Joke thread

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Some old some new but all are enjoyable
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"


Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.



Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.



Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe".



How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
 

A naked woman was looking at herself in the bedroom mirror, ~

Oh my god i look ugly, fat and old, please give me a compliment dear

Husband ~ well there's [Poor language removed] all wrong with your eyesight.
 
a couple were smuggling animals through customs, and just before the border the couple have to hide the animals on their person.

'right luv' says the bloke to his girlfriend 'i'll hide this snake down my trousers, you put that skunk down yours'

"but what about the smell?" she asks
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'if it dies, it dies' he says.
 
This appeals to me !!


An elderly man in Queensland, Australia had owned a large property for
several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had
planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming
when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the
shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over,
as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten-litre bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the dam naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Old men may walk slowly, but they can still think fast.:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I Notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

Good question, noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread - wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know - it - all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
 

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . . in no time."

Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
 
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or

>boyfriend along shopping

>

>This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in

>Oxford:

>
>Dear Mrs. Murray,

>

>While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty

>Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you

>and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his

>antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all

>verified by our surveillance

>cameras:

>

>1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's

>trolleys when they weren't looking.

>

>2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute

>intervals.

>

>3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to

>feminine products aisle.

>

>4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,

>"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

>

>5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

>

>6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and

>told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a

>Calor gas stove.

>

>7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,

>he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

>

>8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a

>mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

>

>9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the

>Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the

>antidepressants were.

>

>10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming

>the "Mission Impossible" theme.

>

>11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"

>using

>different size funnels.

>

>12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled

>"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

>

>13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,

>assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

>

>And; last, but not least:

>

>14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a

>while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

>

>Yours sincerely,

>
>Charles Brown

>Store Manager

>
 
Old Pablo was strolling up the hillside one day, just outside the town where
he lived, accompanied by his grandson, Pepe. About halfway up he paused for
breath and stood looking out across the town. (From this point on you are
required to imagine a stereotype Cuban accent):

"Pepe" said the old man, "what do you see out there?"
"I see the clean white houses with the red roofs grandfather" replied the
boy.
"And who built the white houses with the red roofs, Pepe?"
"You did grandfather".

"That is right" said Pablo. "When we came here there was nothing, but it was
I who built the houses that all the people live in. Do they call me 'Pablo
the House Builder' Pepe?"
"No, grandfather, they do not".

The old man put his arm round Pepe's shoulders and they continued their walk
until at last they crested the hill and saw the ocean and harbour spread out
before them.
"Look out along the coast, my boy" said the old man to Pepe "what do you
see?"
"I see the harbour, grandfather, with the big ships going in and out".
"And who built the harbour, Pepe?"
"You did grandfather".

"That is right. Once we finished building the town it was I who excavated
the harbour and built the quaysides so that the big ships could come and
trade with us and
make us all prosperous.

And do they call me 'Pablo the Harbour Builder'?"
"No grandfather, they do not".

"And Pepe, look out on the ocean and tell me what you see there".
"Oh grandfather, I see all the little boats with their brightly coloured
sails and the people having such fun on the water" said Pepe excitedly.
"And who built the boats, Pepe?"
"Oh you did grandfather, you did!"
"Yes, it was I. I who started the boatyard and built all the little boats
which the prosperous people could buy and use for their leisure time.

And do they call me 'Pablo the Boat Builder'?"
"No grandfather, they do not!" answered the boy.

"No they do not!" said Pablo, suddenly angrily.
"But just ONCE, just ONE TIME I f*cked a donkey . . . !!!!!!!!"
 
montyblue said:
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or

>boyfriend along shopping

>

>This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in

>Oxford:

>
>Dear Mrs. Murray,

>

>While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty

>Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you

>and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his

>antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all

>verified by our surveillance

>cameras:

>

>1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's

>trolleys when they weren't looking.

>

>2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute

>intervals.

>

>3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to

>feminine products aisle.

>

>4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,

>"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

>

>5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

>

>6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and

>told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a

>Calor gas stove.

>

>7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,

>he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

>

>8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a

>mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

>

>9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the

>Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the

>antidepressants were.

>

>10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming

>the "Mission Impossible" theme.

>

>11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"

>using

>different size funnels.

>

>12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled

>"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

>

>13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,

>assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

>

>And; last, but not least:

>

>14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a

>while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

>

>Yours sincerely,

>
>Charles Brown

>Store Manager

>
Click to expand...

absolutley hilarious monty - keep them coming :lol: :lol: :lol:
 

With a couple celebrating their 58th anniversary on the 24th of March, the
minister asked John to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he
managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the congregation, "Well, I treated her with respect,
spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired "Trips to where?"

"For our 50th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, John.
Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 60th
anniversary?"

John said, "I' m going to go get her back."
 

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