Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[WA Toffee]

I'm really, really low at the moment.

Basically, I used to be a cam girl who catered for a very niche fetish. I uploaded clips to a fetish site and I used to go on a certain forum catering to said fetish. I can't do the clips anymore because it just makes me panicky. A while back, a guy manipulated me into doing stuff I didn't want to do over a chat programme. I had to read his erotic fic. I told him many time I hated my voice and he wasn't comfortable doing it, but he talked me into reading stuff for him. He sent me photos of random women, tried to get me to make up stories. I lost it and just burst into tears and since then, i've never done cam stuff or clips. I didn't exactly make a lot of money as the site is hosted in the US and they deduct an admin fee. Today I went back on Fetlife just to see how things were, and I had some 20 year old messaging me asking to be my slave and I just lost it and broke down crying.

Maybe I should ask those women Big Nev talks to what I'm doing wrong. People on social media say sex work is empowering but I just ended up feeling dehumanised. I felt like I was a little broken doll being twisted and manipulated by giant hands. I got asked to role play and pretend to be something I'm not, sexy teacher, sexy secretary, sexy football fan (not kidding, I've done clips where I wore an Everton shirt and people liked that). I don't feel sexy or confident. I feel ugly inside and out.

I'm so sorry. Now I know how my mum feels. Although my suicide attempts were overdoses, not cutting.

I can't begin to imagine how low you must feel to go through that. The important thing is not how your parents feel, but how you feel. As you mention, Big Nev does do a lot of good work in this area, perhaps you could reach out to him somehow? Even if he can't help personally he would definitely have some good contacts he can put you in touch with.

 

[Bazlar]

Simple solutions don’t necessarily apply in complex lives, mate. I can think of a number of psycho-social reasons that might explain this type of action. Obviously won’t be appropriate to voice these as I don’t want to presume or speculate about someone’s life on a public forum.

Spot on mate. No two cases are the same.We can catorgarise but really we can't. Every two people are different and so are their problems

 

[Bazlar]

I'm really, really low at the moment.

Basically, I used to be a cam girl who catered for a very niche fetish. I uploaded clips to a fetish site and I used to go on a certain forum catering to said fetish. I can't do the clips anymore because it just makes me panicky. A while back, a guy manipulated me into doing stuff I didn't want to do over a chat programme. I had to read his erotic fic. I told him many time I hated my voice and he wasn't comfortable doing it, but he talked me into reading stuff for him. He sent me photos of random women, tried to get me to make up stories. I lost it and just burst into tears and since then, i've never done cam stuff or clips. I didn't exactly make a lot of money as the site is hosted in the US and they deduct an admin fee. Today I went back on Fetlife just to see how things were, and I had some 20 year old messaging me asking to be my slave and I just lost it and broke down crying.

Maybe I should ask those women Big Nev talks to what I'm doing wrong. People on social media say sex work is empowering but I just ended up feeling dehumanised. I felt like I was a little broken doll being twisted and manipulated by giant hands. I got asked to role play and pretend to be something I'm not, sexy teacher, sexy secretary, sexy football fan (not kidding, I've done clips where I wore an Everton shirt and people liked that). I don't feel sexy or confident. I feel ugly inside and out.

I'm so sorry. Now I know how my mum feels. Although my suicide attempts were overdoses, not cutting.
[/QUO

You aten't doing anything wrong darling. You may jave done some things you regret but that can be put right. It sounds like you have the backing of your mum whoch is most important. None of us on hére or anywhere else have done things we don't regret, but I am sure with the help of yer mam you can get through this. They usually know best yer know

 

[AmericasToffee]

I'm really, really low at the moment.

Basically, I used to be a cam girl who catered for a very niche fetish. I uploaded clips to a fetish site and I used to go on a certain forum catering to said fetish. I can't do the clips anymore because it just makes me panicky. A while back, a guy manipulated me into doing stuff I didn't want to do over a chat programme. I had to read his erotic fic. I told him many time I hated my voice and he wasn't comfortable doing it, but he talked me into reading stuff for him. He sent me photos of random women, tried to get me to make up stories. I lost it and just burst into tears and since then, i've never done cam stuff or clips. I didn't exactly make a lot of money as the site is hosted in the US and they deduct an admin fee. Today I went back on Fetlife just to see how things were, and I had some 20 year old messaging me asking to be my slave and I just lost it and broke down crying.

Maybe I should ask those women Big Nev talks to what I'm doing wrong. People on social media say sex work is empowering but I just ended up feeling dehumanised. I felt like I was a little broken doll being twisted and manipulated by giant hands. I got asked to role play and pretend to be something I'm not, sexy teacher, sexy secretary, sexy football fan (not kidding, I've done clips where I wore an Everton shirt and people liked that). I don't feel sexy or confident. I feel ugly inside and out.

I'm so sorry. Now I know how my mum feels. Although my suicide attempts were overdoses, not cutting.

What do you think drew you to go back to a place that caused you so much grief?

 

[goodisonopheliac]

What do you think drew you to go back to a place that caused you so much grief?

A guy I knew through the kink was messaging me on Facebook. I think he still wants me to perform for him.

 

[goodisonopheliac]

Simple solution: don’t go on FetLife, don’t be a camgirl, don’t do anything of that ilk. No one is forcing you to, it seemingly doesn’t benefit you in the slightest, I’m baffled why you’d even bother with it in the first place.

Validation, and because I was told I'd make a lot of money from it. I didn't. It is a VERY niche kink and plenty of men would rather get their porno for free if they can. I've been asked to do videos for individuals but they've backed off when I said I'd charge.

 

[Nymzee]

Validation, and because I was told I'd make a lot of money from it. I didn't. It is a VERY niche kink and plenty of men would rather get their porno for free if they can. I've been asked to do videos for individuals but they've backed off when I said I'd charge.

Well you say it doesn’t pay well, so what brought you to do it again?

Just curious if you could try list for the people here, and for yourself, 5 positive reasons you participate in anything of this nature.

 

[goodisonopheliac]

I haven't done it in ages.

 

[Nymzee]

I haven't done it in ages.

We can maybe help you if you let us.

 

[goodisonopheliac]

You asked me what brought me to do it again. I haven't done it again. I can't even remember the last time I made any clips.

 

[Nymzee]

You asked me what brought me to do it again. I haven't done it again. I can't even remember the last time I made any clips.

You literally wrote this yesterday?

Today I went back on Fetlife just to see how things were, and I had some 20 year old messaging me asking to be my slave and I just lost it and broke down crying.

I'm not trying to get at you... just a little confused.

 

[goodisonopheliac]

I checked my messages, and that was it. I made it very clear to him I wasn't interested and didn't want to video chat with him.

 

[The Missing Lineker]

Interesting articles making the rounds about the rise of stress related absenteeism from work and the problem of so called presenteeism and leavism (where workers repeatedly take annual leave days to cover for not feeling mentally well enough to attend work). Apparently a great number of the line managers polled said they felt inadequately trained to spot and tackle mental health problems at work.

I bet most of the employers these managers work for are in the public sector. My suspicion is that the root problem is people are promoted to managerial level when clearly they don’t have the necessary basic attributes such as good people skills! See it all the time. This will continue to be the practice because the public sector doesn’t pay the money required to attract good managers so has to continually promotes from within, often putting ill equipped and ill suited people in supervisory roles. It actually doesn’t make good economical sense this. Imagine how much of the estimated billion pounds lost to stress related absence could be reduced by paying a decent rate for managerial positions thereby attracting decent managers?

From my experience of working with lots of HR departments and monitoring sickness trends and causes, a good manager makes a massive difference between a mental health employee coping or not coping at work. Training is only one aspect in making a good manager but you’ve got to have at least a basic level of people skill and capacity for empathy that a lot of well-heeled public sector managers in particular just don’t have! Good managers who support and promote good mental health in the workplace is the start needed to change the very culture of looking after mental health in the workplace and remove this entrenched societal stigma about mental health illness.

Rant over

 

[AmericasToffee]

A guy I knew through the kink was messaging me on Facebook. I think he still wants me to perform for him.

I'm not a professional but it seems like going back to that place in any shape, form or fashion for any reason would be a negative for you. Just based on what you've told us here.

 

[chrismpw]

I checked my messages, and that was it. I made it very clear to him I wasn't interested and didn't want to video chat with him.

I can understand the drive of your curiosity, but surely the best course is to say no to that site.

The World is a big old place with an enormous other bunch of things to explore.