Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[EFCPaul]

I've been thinking about this. and if you know different then apologies. You say she's a single Mum. Have you considered that she might be very nervous about going out with somebody, it may have been some time since anybody asked her out, she may not have had anybody showing any romantic interest in her for a while, she might have had a bad experience in the past and doesn't entirely trust the male species. Don't give up on her yet.

I DON'T know different, that's what has driven me mad haha. Yes she's a single mum with a young child and she seemed a bit nervous when I asked for her number (but a happy nervous). You may well be right when you say I shouldn't give up but my own mental demons cause me to assume the worst in every confusing scenario I find myself in.

I'm going to see her tomorrow, I hope to talk to her a bit and get a feel for what the situation is. I like her, I'm willing to be patient and make an effort to get her to trust me, but what I'm not willing to do is make an arse out of myself just to get a second look. I've seen other lads behave around girls like dogs that want to go out for a walk, they're the type of lads I really dislike because they have no self-respect or real respect for women and are likely only after one thing. I'm not like that, I have confidence issues yes but I do have some self-respect that I'd never throw away. You'd think a lot of people would find that to be a positive character trait but it seems like everywhere I look you see people getting ahead by lowering themselves to gormless suck-ups.

 

[EFCPaul]

Saw and spoke to the girl today in work.

I knew immediately when I saw her that something was amiss because she didn't seem pleased to see me at all. We worked in separate areas but every time we passed she seemed to give me the cold shoulder, barely speaking when I acknowledged her. I knew what that meant but I still wanted to speak to her to put my angst to rest.

As the day went on I got a bit stressed as I thought about what to do over and over, I couldn't really focus on my tasks. Another girl who works there is a mutual friend who's been away, I told her about us swapping numbers but then me hearing nothing. She could see I was confused by it all so she urged me to ask the girl about what was going on to put my mind at rest even though I said I was getting bad vibes. I was in two minds all dy but eventually I decided to do it, at the end of the day when it was just me and her by the exit door waiting to leave. I asked her directly if she'd changed her mind about us going out and she immediately began to splutter and make excuses. Said she saw my text earlier in week but didn't reply to it because of some problem with her phone battery (a proper crap excuse that). She tried to hop around the subject but I didn't let her because I said;

"If you've changed your mind that's fine, just tell me". Her exact words in response were;

"I don't want to say yes, but er... I'll just see how it goes and where I'm up too and stuff".

The first part of what she said was the true answer, that's all I wanted to hear. I eventually left her to get my coat and when I came back other colleagues had joined us so we didn't speak (she didn't say goodbye as we left either even though I said it to her).

I'm not upset, I'm more bemused like I was last time to be honest. Bemused and a bit annoyed. I don't feel like I was mislead, I think the girl was genuinely interested last week and for whatever reason has changed her mind. That's fine, everyone is entitled to do that and I can respect a girl's decision. What I'm not happy about is how she was clearly blanking me like I suspected she was, hoping I'd get the message and leave her alone, and then today didn't want to be anywhere near or speak to me until I caught her after the shift was over before she could scurry away. I've done nothing except be a gentleman to this girl so her behaviour to me was outright spineless. If you tell somebody you'd like to go out but then decide against it then at least have the guts to tell them so they're not left waiting on you and feeling confused. This girl wouldn't even drop me a text to say how she felt and wanted to avoid me (as we were talking by the exit she kept opening the door and looking out hoping her lift had come so she could go, she was DESPERATE to be anywhere else).

I'm not going to let this hurt me, I know I've done nothing wrong here in this situation. If the girl has her own issues which have caused her to back out then fine, that's her business and I don't wish any bad on her. Just I definitely know now that she wasn't worth it, not at all. Bullet dodged and my angst gone, I actually feel LOADS better because it's settled now.

Thanks for the love and advice people, we all solider on.

 

[Kenshin]

Saw and spoke to the girl today in work.

I knew immediately when I saw her that something was amiss because she didn't seem pleased to see me at all. We worked in separate areas but every time we passed she seemed to give me the cold shoulder, barely speaking when I acknowledged her. I knew what that meant but I still wanted to speak to her to put my angst to rest.

As the day went on I got a bit stressed as I thought about what to do over and over, I couldn't really focus on my tasks. Another girl who works there is a mutual friend who's been away, I told her about us swapping numbers but then me hearing nothing. She could see I was confused by it all so she urged me to ask the girl about what was going on to put my mind at rest even though I said I was getting bad vibes. I was in two minds all dy but eventually I decided to do it, at the end of the day when it was just me and her by the exit door waiting to leave. I asked her directly if she'd changed her mind about us going out and she immediately began to splutter and make excuses. Said she saw my text earlier in week but didn't reply to it because of some problem with her phone battery (a proper crap excuse that). She tried to hop around the subject but I didn't let her because I said;

"If you've changed your mind that's fine, just tell me". Her exact words in response were;

"I don't want to say yes, but er... I'll just see how it goes and where I'm up too and stuff".

The first part of what she said was the true answer, that's all I wanted to hear. I eventually left her to get my coat and when I came back other colleagues had joined us so we didn't speak (she didn't say goodbye as we left either even though I said it to her).

I'm not upset, I'm more bemused like I was last time to be honest. Bemused and a bit annoyed. I don't feel like I was mislead, I think the girl was genuinely interested last week and for whatever reason has changed her mind. That's fine, everyone is entitled to do that and I can respect a girl's decision. What I'm not happy about is how she was clearly blanking me like I suspected she was, hoping I'd get the message and leave her alone, and then today didn't want to be anywhere near or speak to me until I caught her after the shift was over before she could scurry away. I've done nothing except be a gentleman to this girl so her behaviour to me was outright spineless. If you tell somebody you'd like to go out but then decide against it then at least have the guts to tell them so they're not left waiting on you and feeling confused. This girl wouldn't even drop me a text to say how she felt and wanted to avoid me (as we were talking by the exit she kept opening the door and looking out hoping her lift had come so she could go, she was DESPERATE to be anywhere else).

I'm not going to let this hurt me, I know I've done nothing wrong here in this situation. If the girl has her own issues which have caused her to back out then fine, that's her business and I don't wish any bad on her. Just I definitely know now that she wasn't worth it, not at all. Bullet dodged and my angst gone, I actually feel LOADS better because it's settled now.

Thanks for the love and advice people, we all solider on.

I'm sorry to hear that mate. I can't offer a perfect answer to that and if your gut instinct tells you there isn't much chance then go with that rather than hang the hope still if that makes sense.

What I can do is offer a little bit of justification. Perhaps she was scared of the thought of getting into anything considering her circumstances. Swapping numbers she liked the attention considering she is a single parent and probably does like you but one scenario is that she got scared of being in a relationship and essentially backed out.

Don't use that as anything other than a lesson learned and move on so to speak. If she has her own issues then leave her to have them. She has your number so if she ever changed her mind then she knows where you are. Just stay positive with her and try and maintain that connection so to speak.

Another thing I will say and this is not patronising in any way but feel a bit of pride. I remember reading your posts about feeling scared to ask a girl out in work and your anxiety issues in regards to that. So be proud, you asked a girl out and she said yes. Whatever the reasons behind it not going further, you have essentially broken down that mental barrier and not only that seen first hand that having that confidence to do it works. So don't feel too disheartened, be happy you did that and won the battle so to speak.

 

[EFCPaul]

I'm sorry to hear that mate. I can't offer a perfect answer to that and if your gut instinct tells you there isn't much chance then go with that rather than hang the hope still if that makes sense.

What I can do is offer a little bit of justification. Perhaps she was scared of the thought of getting into anything considering her circumstances. Swapping numbers she liked the attention considering she is a single parent and probably does like you but one scenario is that she got scared of being in a relationship and essentially backed out.

Don't use that as anything other than a lesson learned and move on so to speak. If she has her own issues then leave her to have them. She has your number so if she ever changed her mind then she knows where you are. Just stay positive with her and try and maintain that connection so to speak.

Another thing I will say and this is not patronising in any way but feel a bit of pride. I remember reading your posts about feeling scared to ask a girl out in work and your anxiety issues in regards to that. So be proud, you asked a girl out and she said yes. Whatever the reasons behind it not going further, you have essentially broken down that mental barrier and not only that seen first hand that having that confidence to do it works. So don't feel too disheartened, be happy you did that and won the battle so to speak.

Cheers mate, having read my last comment back I now think I've been harsh on the girl in my description, I was just venting out of frustration but can't edit it now.

As a young mum she has commitments and something may have happened during the week in her life that caused this sudden pendulum swing, I just have to take it on the chin. I don't think she wanted to intentionally mislead me or has any idea how much angst I've had (and I caused that myself with my own insecurities and lack of medication). I hope next time she sees me she's a bit more relaxed because there's no bad-feelings and I don't want her to feel awkward.

I feel fine, my confidence has definitely come up but I've decided that for the next while I'm going to just not think about relationships. I just need to focus on being the best me I can possibly be and not let my insecurities ruin who I am as a person.

 

[jinkyali]

What's the difference between CBT and speaking to a psychiatrist?

Going to go private but not sure of what approach to take .

 

[EFCPaul]

What's the difference between CBT and speaking to a psychiatrist?

Going to go private but not sure of what approach to take .

A psychiatrist is a doctor who diagnoses any mental health challenges you may have and how best to treat them.

CBT, in my experience, is just a more mellow version of therapy where you talk about what's on your mind and try to figure out an answer to your situation for yourself (whilst a professional listens and helps).

 

[COYBL25]

A psychiatrist is a doctor who diagnoses any mental health challenges you may have and how best to treat them.

CBT, in my experience, is just a more mellow version of therapy where you talk about what's on your mind and try to figure out an answer to your situation for yourself (whilst a professional listens and helps).

Hi mate, sorry about the girl you work with.

Some very good stuff there from @Kenshin.

Just thinking out loud here, have you considered a reputable online dating site ?.

That way it'd all be private so to speak and away from the glare of your work colleagues.

 

[Bungle]

What's the difference between CBT and speaking to a psychiatrist?

Going to go private but not sure of what approach to take .

When I did CBT it was all about trying to change your thought processes and effectively re-wire my brain to react in a more rational manner when I started to feel anxious about something which in reality was fairly minor.

Different things work for different people, I was given tasks to do after each session like putting myself in a position that I knew would bring on anxiety (which ironically made me feel anxious), and as it was happening I had to write down every emotion and feeling, as well as any physical reactions like sweating more, increased heart rate, fidgeting etc.

We'd then go through my 'homework' at the next session and break it down to a point where you start to see how irrational most of those thoughts are.

I found CBT a much better long term solution as it gave me things to implement in every day life. I found seeing a counsellor/psychologist gave me a good outlet for just blurting out all my feelings and getting stuff off my chest.

Good luck whatever you try, what worked for me might not work for others but I got a lot more out of CBT than I ever thought I would.

 

[Frank Gallagher]

When I did CBT it was all about trying to change your thought processes and effectively re-wire my brain to react in a more rational manner when I started to feel anxious about something which in reality was fairly minor.

Different things work for different people, I was given tasks to do after each session like putting myself in a position that I knew would bring on anxiety (which ironically made me feel anxious), and as it was happening I had to write down every emotion and feeling, as well as any physical reactions like sweating more, increased heart rate, fidgeting etc.

We'd then go through my 'homework' at the next session and break it down to a point where you start to see how irrational most of those thoughts are.

I found CBT a much better long term solution as it gave me things to implement in every day life. I found seeing a counsellor/psychologist gave me a good outlet for just blurting out all my feelings and getting stuff off my chest.

Good luck whatever you try, what worked for me might not work for others but I got a lot more out of CBT than I ever thought I would.

Nice one mate. great advice there

 

[The Cowboy]

Dunno if this is right thread for this, but can anyone offer any advice on anger management? Cos I'm struggling badly at the moment. I exploded at the kids this morning over totally trivial stuff, and I shout at them way too much. My main concern is that they shout at each other too, so my behaviour is influencing them too, which is really getting me down.

 

[Kenshin]

Dunno if this is right thread for this, but can anyone offer any advice on anger management? Cos I'm struggling badly at the moment. I exploded at the kids this morning over totally trivial stuff, and I shout at them way too much. My main concern is that they shout at each other too, so my behaviour is influencing them too, which is really getting me down.

Ok mate, i think i can help but need a little bit more information if that is ok?

Why do you feel short tempered? What do you think causes it? You say you shout at the kids, what for? Is it something you feel growing inside you or do you just snap? What sorts of situations bring the feelings on?

In terms of how you approach kids, i can relate, it can be frustrating dealing with kids sometimes so i can probably advise from personal experience. But please, if you can share a bit more information then i can possibly help you.

 

[The Cowboy]

Ok mate, i think i can help but need a little bit more information if that is ok?

Why do you feel short tempered? What do you think causes it? You say you shout at the kids, what for? Is it something you feel growing inside you or do you just snap? What sorts of situations bring the feelings on?

In terms of how you approach kids, i can relate, it can be frustrating dealing with kids sometimes so i can probably advise from personal experience. But please, if you can share a bit more information then i can possibly help you.

I tend to just snap, and it'll be properly pathetic things. I find it ramps up when I'm trying to get out the door in the morning. The usual parental crap, I just get badly annoyed when the kids choose the worst moment to have a strop or kick up a stink when they can't find something.

Work contributes to it, a lot. I don't really like my current role and I might be placed in a different company but that's not certain yet, so I'm bothered that it might fall through.

This morning was the worst I've ever been and looking back, it scared me how much I lost it. I just can't marry the stress levels (relatively low, all things considered) to my disproportionate response.

 

[COYBL25]

I tend to just snap, and it'll be properly pathetic things. I find it ramps up when I'm trying to get out the door in the morning. The usual parental crap, I just get badly annoyed when the kids choose the worst moment to have a strop or kick up a stink when they can't find something.

Work contributes to it, a lot. I don't really like my current role and I might be placed in a different company but that's not certain yet, so I'm bothered that it might fall through.

This morning was the worst I've ever been and looking back, it scared me how much I lost it. I just can't marry the stress levels (relatively low, all things considered) to my disproportionate response.

If it's any consolation I hate the mornings trying to get the kids out if the door too and I think for a lot of parents this is the most stressful part of the day. If you're five mins out of synch the whole day can just get off to a bad one - they're late for school, you're late for work, traffic is jammed up etc etc.

I know that this may not be possible, as it's defendant on your domestic circumstances/time etc, but excercising really does bring stress levels down massively. It will also help you sleep better too, as you're less stressed going to bed and properly tired, rather then "frazzled " due to work / kids etc.

The only other option is get up a bit earlier and before them. This gives you the chance to wake up in your own time and have a bit of a relax before the bedlam begins.

 

[The Cowboy]

If it's any consolation I hate the mornings trying to get the kids out if the door too and I think for a lot of parents this is the most stressful part of the day. If you're five mins out of synch the whole day can just get off to a bad one - they're late for school, you're late for work, traffic is jammed up etc etc.

I know that this may not be possible, as it's defendant on your domestic circumstances/time etc, but excercising really does bring stress levels down massively. It will also help you sleep better too, as you're less stressed going to bed and properly tired, rather then "frazzled " due to work / kids etc.

The only other option is get up a bit earlier and before them. This gives you the chance to wake up in your own time and have a bit of a relax before the bedlam begins.

Exercise is a major factor. I had to give up running due to a knee injury, I've had various ailments and injuries recently and I feel desperately unfit.

I decided to give the running another go this evening as it happens, and the knee seems to have held up ok, so I'm going to see about getting back out a bit more. I think I'll feel a lot better once I get my fitness back up.

 

[anjelikaferrett]

Dunno if this is right thread for this, but can anyone offer any advice on anger management? Cos I'm struggling badly at the moment. I exploded at the kids this morning over totally trivial stuff, and I shout at them way too much. My main concern is that they shout at each other too, so my behaviour is influencing them too, which is really getting me down.

I'm really no expert but this sounds like displaced anger. For example, your best friend at the office is suddenly let go, and you spend the rest of the day dreading that the axe is about to fall on you, too. Later, at home, you hold it together — until your 6-year-old pops out of bed for the fifth time, asking for another glass of water. At which point you hear yourself roar, “Oh for heaven’s sake! Would it kill you to just go to sleep for once?!” If we feel powerless in a situation we take our anger out on the people who will least likely fight back. I remember having a really rubbish day at work once, I yelled at my then 17 year old son for some trivial misdemeanour. Unfortunately he was doing psychology A Level and he gave me a lecture about displaced anger. My Mum used to do it to me all the time - she would be annoyed with my brothers and shout at me instead. It's also called stress-rolling. You roll your stress onto somebody else. Notice it in other people: the man who yanks his dog around every time he has a bad day at work; the brand-new ex-smoker who shouts at her husband when she runs out of nicotine gum. Watch these people and get a feel for how disproportionately intense their behaviour is. Then honestly identify the same sort of overreactions in yourself. Where does your temper flare? When do you weep hysterically? One sign that you’re stress-rolling may be a hint of sheepish guilt or shame. This will show up after you’ve rolled your negativity onto someone, or even while you’re doing the rolling. Deep down, your conscience will be whispering, “I’m not being fair. This isn’t about Johnny eating all the toast. I’m just venting because I've had a bad day at work.” You need to identify what the real stress in your life is.

As I said I'm not an expert but hope it helps.