Jokes Thread

[summerisle]

 

[Jamiednm]

An Englishman decides he wants a quieter life, so sells up and moves to a remote Scottish village up in the highlands.

The first night, there's a knock at the door. He answers and there stands a 6ft 8in Scottish brute, massive ginger beard, kilt, huge leather belt etc. He says "Would ye like to come to a Kay-lee?"

The Englishman said "What's a Kay-lee?"

Scotsman: "Well there'll be lots of eating, lots of drinking, a bit of dancing and lots of shagging"

Englishman: "Yes, that sounds great! What shall I wear?"

Scotsman: "Just come as you are, it'll only be the two of us"

 

[Jamiednm]

An Irishman bought a chainsaw from B&Q.

A couple of days later, he takes it back and says "this is no good to me, you said I could get through 6 trees a day with this, but I'm only doing 2. It's broken or something"

The shop assistant said "Let's have a look at it", then pulls the string and it starts up first time.

Irishman: "What's that f***ing noise?"

 

[Sarnia Kevin]

"You're so childish" screamed the wife. "Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends, it’s ridiculous, this relationship is over!"I said, “This relationship is what? Over."

 

[Cels]

You know the "Church" has reached a new low when during an exorcism a demon suddenly appears and commands the Priest to get out of the child.

 

[Kurt.]

Just gave my wife the most amazing orgasm …… the ungrateful cow spat it straight out …

 

[Sarnia Kevin]

 

[Rita_Poon]

View attachment 236826

Could go a very different way with that setup couldn't it...?

 

[Super Kevin sheedy]

So, I asked the bloke in the army and navy stores ‘where are your camouflage jackets?’

He said ‘good aren’t they?’

(One of Doddys)

Doddy the legend

 

[Super Kevin sheedy]

So, I asked the bloke in the army and navy stores ‘where are your camouflage jackets?’

He said ‘good aren’t they?’

(One of Doddys)

Seen Ken loads of times, hilarious

 

[Brendan Janus]

Doddy the legend

Ken Dodd ?

 

[Ivo]

Ken Dodd ?

Ken dodd's dad's dog's dead.

Bit of a tongue twister.

 

[Brendan Janus]

Is

Ken dodd's dad's dog's dead.

Bit of a tongue twister.

Is that the Ken Dodd who failed to pay his taxes, even more than Lester Piggott, & got away with it

 

[summerisle]

 

[the golden visionary]

Is

Is that the Ken Dodd who failed to pay his taxes, even more than Lester Piggott, & got away with it

Good on him if he did