Let's try and apply some of these insights to the BBC Gossip page :
"Everton have joined Newcastle in the chase for Andros Townsend. Toffees boss Roberto Martinez tried to take the 22-year-old to Goodison on loan last summer." - I can't be bothered to invent something new, let's resurrect an old story instead.
"Everton want Wilfried Bony to replace on-loan Romelu Lukaku" - He must be somewhere on Martinez's wish list, let's make out like he's the number one target.
"Manchester City are planning to strengthen their defence with a move for Mehdi Benatia" - I hear that Lescott may be on his way out.
"Arsenal and West Ham have held talks over the signing of Anderlecht defender Cheikhou Kouyate" - They phoned Anderlecht and asked is he available. When told the price, they hung up the phone.
"Liverpool are willing to meet a £20.4m release clause fee for Valencia midfielder Dani Parejo, according to Spanish newspaper" - Let's throw in the name of an English club to hype up some interest.
"Chelsea are prepared to offer David Luiz in exchange for Mario Mandzukic plus £15m" - I'm too lazy to invent a credible story, so I'll just invent a swap deal, even though they never happen any more at the top level.