Can't be @rsed checking to see if anyone else has copied and pasted from the Guardian Fiver
The priorities of football governing bodies conducting studies into Stuff That Is Wrong With English Football appear to be so skewed they have decided to ignore the serious problems on their own doorsteps – over-priced tickets, lack of atmosphere, greedy owners, ridiculous kick-off times etc, and so on – in favour of hysterical handwringing about the presence of fireworks in football grounds, a Fiver study has revealed.
A survey commissioned by the Premier League has revealed that actual mules have been serving as "eight-year-olds" to smuggle flares and smoke bombs into games on behalf of older fans. The survey also stated that, in the first three months of this season alone, there were 96 pyrotechnic incidents across the Premier League, Football League, Football conference and domestic cup competitions: a worrying epidemic that, according to the Fiver's fairly rough calculations, could be blighting as many as one in every 14 or 15 football matches.
Earlier this season, Tottenham's 2-0 win over Aston Villa was overshadowed when linesman David Bryan was struck on the back of the neck by a smoke bomb thrown by some dunderheaded imbecile at Villa Park. Two men were arrested in connection with the incident, in which Bryan was so badly injured that he required no medical treatment whatsoever and was able to continue running the line. Although fireworks are illegal in football grounds, devices such as coins and pyrotechnic devices known as "cigarette lighters", which regularly cause far more damage when hurled at players or officials, remain inexplicably welcome.
"There have been incidents across the world where people have had bad injuries or died," said a spokeswoman, speaking about the Premier League's apparent determination to remove every last bit of atmosphere from what is actually supposed to be an enjoyable day out. She then went on to provide a detailed breakdown of the number of people who have been hurt or killed by flares or smoke bombs at Premier League grounds: "We've been lucky that our leagues haven't had such major issues yet," she said. "But we want to stop that from happening."
At this point, your buzz-killing Fiver feels compelled to point out that in December 2003, Wolves fan Denise Butler suffered a bad laceration to her face after being hit by a firework prior to a Premier League game between her team and Newcastle at Molineux. The offending firework veered off course into the Billy Wright stand from the pitch, where it was part of a licenced and presumably Premier League-sanctioned pre-match pyrotechnics display. And the predictably over-the-top reaction from the victim's outraged husband? "It was just an unfortunate accident," said Martyn Butler, whose wife was released from hospital after treatment and two nights under observation. "It is just one of those things."