Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
I wrote the names of everyone I unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my room mate rolled it into a joint and smoked it.
Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.
Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.
Two students from Asia came to my high school.
They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling.
Ving is in my math class, and the dude is like a math wiz. I’m really struggling, so I ask Ving if he’d give me a hand with my homework.
Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor.
I’m like yeah sure what?
He asks me to drive him to the city hall after school. He says he wants to change his name to something more American.
I’m like alright dude! So after school I’m driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and Ling is totally giving Ving the cold shoulder. I’m like what’s the deal and Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is totally pi**ed that he’d disrespect his ancestry by changing it.
So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a super long time. Finally it’s our turn and Ving tells me he’s picked “Lee” as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about the ancestry [Poor language removed], blah blah.
Then it’s time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can’t do it.
The lady at the desk is like ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request.
Argh, stupid small town laws, Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors.
“DAD!” Ling and Ving exclaim.
He looked at them and cried, “Don’t stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!”
They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling.
Ving is in my math class, and the dude is like a math wiz. I’m really struggling, so I ask Ving if he’d give me a hand with my homework.
Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor.
I’m like yeah sure what?
He asks me to drive him to the city hall after school. He says he wants to change his name to something more American.
I’m like alright dude! So after school I’m driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and Ling is totally giving Ving the cold shoulder. I’m like what’s the deal and Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is totally pi**ed that he’d disrespect his ancestry by changing it.
So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a super long time. Finally it’s our turn and Ving tells me he’s picked “Lee” as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about the ancestry [Poor language removed], blah blah.
Then it’s time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can’t do it.
The lady at the desk is like ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request.
Argh, stupid small town laws, Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors.
“DAD!” Ling and Ving exclaim.
He looked at them and cried, “Don’t stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!”
I got offered a good deal on one of those DeLorean cars.
Trouble is, I’d only use it from time to time.
Trouble is, I’d only use it from time to time.
A man was in a bar when he heard a voice say " Nice shirt " . Then he heard the same voice say " Nice shoes you have on, too" He couldn't see anybody else there so he asked the barman , who replied " That will be the nuts on the bar, sir. They're complimentary"
BlueAde
Player Valuation: £1m
I don’t need a thesaurus, my volcabulary is absolutely big....
tommytowne
Player Valuation: £50m
Bloke phones the vet.
"You've got to help me, there's two dogs shagging in my garden and they won't stop"
"Go outside and wave a stick at them making lots of noise"
"Done that, won't work"
"Go back and throw a bucket of water over them"
"Done that, won't work"
"Go out and tell them there's a phone call for them"
"That's not going to work"
"It did when you phoned me"
"You've got to help me, there's two dogs shagging in my garden and they won't stop"
"Go outside and wave a stick at them making lots of noise"
"Done that, won't work"
"Go back and throw a bucket of water over them"
"Done that, won't work"
"Go out and tell them there's a phone call for them"
"That's not going to work"
"It did when you phoned me"
I just read the whole thing. What do I win?
My approval for committing to the joke.
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
Two shop fitters in the centre of Liverpool were sitting down for a break in a soon-to-be new shop ....as yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some old pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling. You know these senior citizens are such nosey parkers"
No sooner were the words out of his mouth than, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,“Must be doing well then ... only two left.”
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some old pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling. You know these senior citizens are such nosey parkers"
No sooner were the words out of his mouth than, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, “We're selling arse-holes.”
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,“Must be doing well then ... only two left.”
Methuselah
Player Valuation: £35m
I don't bother with Wikipedia, her indoors knows it all.
"Give it to me!" she screamed "I'm so wet right now!"
She can yell all she wants, I'm keeping my umbrella.
She can yell all she wants, I'm keeping my umbrella.
Cellardweller
Player Valuation: £8m
If there was a competition for saggy breasts, my wife would beat everyone. In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Just had a text from my ex girlfriend saying she's made a voodoo doll of me.
I think she's pulling my leg.
I think she's pulling my leg.
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