Jokes Thread

[The old lady]

Dad why is my sister's name Teresa?

Because it is an anagram of Easter, and your mum loves Easter.

Ok thanks Dad.

No worries Alan.

 

[AndyC]

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

 

[AndyC]

On the morning that Daylight Saving Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked.

You're supposed to turn your clock back".

 

[Frank Gallagher]

On the morning that Daylight Saving Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked.

You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Oh wowzers!

 

[summerisle]

After the theft today of a consignment of viagra police say they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

 

[summerisle]

I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He asked me to describe the symptoms. I replied, " Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has big blue hair ".

 

[chrissyjack]

At any given time, the urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

 

[TheFinnFan]

Knock knock

- who is it?

- yers mar!

 

[gonetomorrow]

Hi, you're through to the Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Hi, you're through to the Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

P!ss poor joke?

 

[tommytowne]

P!ss poor joke?

Talking of which.......
I was at the doctors the other day. He said he would like me to provide samples of my sperm, urine and faeces and pop them into the surgery during the week. I left him with my underpants.

 

[Kurt.]

Hi, you're through to the Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

Better than going straight through

 

[Milk]

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore but down there I am still mourning. He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.

The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

 

[Milk]

A woman was in labour.
Just as the midwife was about to begin the delivery, the baby stuck it's head out and asked the midwife
" Are you my daddy?"
The astonished midwife was astounded and could only say
"No I'm not"
At this, the baby disappeared back inside
The midwife called the nurse
The nurse came in and once again, the baby stuck it's head out and asked .
Are YOU my daddy?"
"NO. I am not!"
Once again back in he went
At this point hearing all this commotion, the father came in.
Once again the little head appeared.
"Are YOU my daddy?"
"Yes I am"
The baby pushed a little until it was half out, beckoned the father to come up close
When the father was really up close, the baby reached out and stuck his finger in his fathers eye, and shouted
"fudgein' hurts doesn't it?!"

 

[bluelord49]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous, “says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .........
"What the f+++ would they want with a plasterer??!"