Goodbye son.
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
Goodbye son.
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, at the court, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
Lawrence explained that, as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop.
"You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around..." he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
"I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' Senior Constable Brenda Taylor told the magistrate.
'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin...'
Constable Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence...
"I said: 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?
The magistrate, clearly mystified and desperate to hear more asked what happened next...
"Lawrence froze. He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me straight in the eye and said: 'A pumpkin? [Poor language removed] – is it midnight already'?"
The next day, at the court, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
Lawrence explained that, as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop.
"You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around..." he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
"I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' Senior Constable Brenda Taylor told the magistrate.
'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin...'
Constable Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence...
"I said: 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?
The magistrate, clearly mystified and desperate to hear more asked what happened next...
"Lawrence froze. He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me straight in the eye and said: 'A pumpkin? [Poor language removed] – is it midnight already'?"
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counseling.
He asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So, after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?"
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey, a camel and a goat ?"
"You may indeed!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"It could lead to dancing".
He asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So, after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?"
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey, a camel and a goat ?"
"You may indeed!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"It could lead to dancing".
deipnosophist
Player Valuation: £80m
Prior to midnight, he was banging a carriage?
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
"Can you tell me what you were doing between 6 and 9"
"Yes officer, most days I was at school, or playing with friends".
"Yes officer, most days I was at school, or playing with friends".
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
WARNING, don't join the Tesco dating agency or you'll end up with a bag for life.
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
I've just started a new job as a church bell ringer. It's my first day so they're just showing me the ropes.
deipnosophist
Player Valuation: £80m
campanology is a job which is very unforgiving on mistakes i.e. you don't want to drop a clanger
It actually sounds quite appealing
matchworks
Player Valuation: £1m
What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot? One is a marsupial and the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.
Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
must have been the exhaust pipe!
deipnosophist
Player Valuation: £80m
...no wonder then that the carriage's post coital doppelganger (i.e the pumpkin) was completely knackered
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
I parked in a hospital car park.
The attendant came up to me and said to me, "you can't park there, it's for badge holders only".
So I told him, " but I've got a bad shoulder".
The attendant came up to me and said to me, "you can't park there, it's for badge holders only".
So I told him, " but I've got a bad shoulder".
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