Jokes Thread

[chrismpw]

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

 

[gonetomorrow]

A guy was trying on a pair of shoes and told the salesman that they were too tight.

"Try them with the tongue out"

"They're thtill thoo thighth!"

 

[summerisle]

I heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.

 

[Dylan]

A hipster burnt his tongue. He drank his coffee before it was cool.

 

[summerisle]

 

[summerisle]

 

[summerisle]

 

[Sarnia Kevin]

Stopping the Volcano in Hawaii:

According to ancient Hawaiian tradition, the quickest way to APPEASE PELE and have the volcanic fires stop is to make a human sacrifice into her fires, and according to tradition, that needs to be a celebrated leader who was born in Hawaii and held a position of power for 8 years.

Obama quickly announced he was actually born in Kenya, and has the Birth Certificate to prove it.

 

[summerisle]

 

[Dylan]

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

That priest is in prison now.

 

[BNJ1878]

I used to be in a band called leather patches

We only did Elbow covers

 

[summerisle]

 

[tommytowne]

Bloke goes to the doctors and says Doc, I'm hurting all over the place.
Doc says whereabouts?
The bloke then says it hurts when I point at my knee, it hurts when I point at my stomach, it hurts when I point at my shoulder, it hurts when I points at my ribs.
Doc says I know what it is, you've got a broken finger!

 

[summerisle]

 

[summerisle]

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair ?
Virgin mobile.