Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
gonetomorrow
Player Valuation: £70m
What do you call a nun who keeps sleepwalking?
A roaming catholic.
A roaming catholic.
Elvis the pelvis
Player Valuation: £750k
Have you ever seen Stevie Wonders wife ?
No either has he
bluejohn66
Player Valuation: £15m
Stevie Wonder received a cheese grater for Christmas, he said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A fella was having a few drinks by himself at a London casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman.
They got on famously and ended up in bed.
The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Ascot that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs.
The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed £100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.
In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes.
He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then £5000 in front.
In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her growler.
He backed nothing.
After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4.
'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?'
'Sh*t', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched!'
They got on famously and ended up in bed.
The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Ascot that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs.
The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed £100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.
In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes.
He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then £5000 in front.
In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her growler.
He backed nothing.
After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4.
'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?'
'Sh*t', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched!'
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
wba83
Player Valuation: £8m
Boss of the zoo sitting at his desk when his new worker kicks his door off its hinges all his clothes ragged of him starts screaming
at him that elephant just knock s###e out of me and bummed me .what you messin bummed you .yeah bends over and shows him his arse you could fit your head up it . Boss go's no way nellys cock not that big .Ya I know he fingered me first
at him that elephant just knock s###e out of me and bummed me .what you messin bummed you .yeah bends over and shows him his arse you could fit your head up it . Boss go's no way nellys cock not that big .Ya I know he fingered me first
Why did the baker have smelly hands?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Because he kneaded a poo.
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
gonetomorrow
Player Valuation: £70m
You see our neighbour around a lot.
He lives in a tumble drier.
He lives in a tumble drier.
Welcome
Join Grand Old Team to get involved in the Everton discussion. Signing up is quick, easy, and completely free.
Shop
