Paul w
Player Valuation: £25m
You've just made that up haven't you?
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
I'm afraid it's a complete lie . The taxi was on time .
Paul w
Player Valuation: £25m
I knew it!
I was gonna go as Paul Daniels and attach a pack of chocolate and toffee covered biscuit fingers to my arm . Well every magician has Twix up his sleeve, like
Scouser walks into the job centre and says " please help me get a job.. I'm sick of drawing benefits every fortnight and expecting the state to give me handouts still 17 years since I left school. .. it's about time I worked for a living.
Counter assistant said " mate ... it's your lucky day. A multi millionaire yank has just been in.. he's looking for somebody to be a chaperone to his stunning 21 year old twin daughters as they've just moved to the country... he expects you to drive them.around all day, accompany them on shopping trips or to the gym. . Take them to lunch every day.. all expenses paid. . And,, as they are grown women who have needs and desires you would be expected to perform any act requested of you as part of your duties. For doing this you will get paid a grand a week tax free in your hand every Friday.
The scouser said " wow... sounds amazing. .. you're joking yeah ? "
Counter assistant said " well you started it "
Counter assistant said " mate ... it's your lucky day. A multi millionaire yank has just been in.. he's looking for somebody to be a chaperone to his stunning 21 year old twin daughters as they've just moved to the country... he expects you to drive them.around all day, accompany them on shopping trips or to the gym. . Take them to lunch every day.. all expenses paid. . And,, as they are grown women who have needs and desires you would be expected to perform any act requested of you as part of your duties. For doing this you will get paid a grand a week tax free in your hand every Friday.
The scouser said " wow... sounds amazing. .. you're joking yeah ? "
Counter assistant said " well you started it "
Paul w
Player Valuation: £25m
Wow.
bluelord49
Player Valuation: £8m
Towards the end of a round of golf, Jim hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden ... POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'
Then POOF!... she was gone!
After James recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the [Poor language removed] willows.'
Jim shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden ... POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'
Then POOF!... she was gone!
After James recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the [Poor language removed] willows.'
Jim shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track.
Police think it was race related.
The police also stated there are too many suspects. After the gun was fired they all ran. They are going around in circles with their witnesses.
A police spokesman stated: "There are a lot of hurdles to clear in a case like this"
Police think it was race related.
The police also stated there are too many suspects. After the gun was fired they all ran. They are going around in circles with their witnesses.
A police spokesman stated: "There are a lot of hurdles to clear in a case like this"
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.
The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic;
Her husband, a retired salty Navy Chief Petty Officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a friend for coffee.
While awaiting her friend’s arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message: "If you
are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send
me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband responded: "I'm having a crap. Please advise."
It almost brought a tear to my eye......
The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic;
Her husband, a retired salty Navy Chief Petty Officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a friend for coffee.
While awaiting her friend’s arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message: "If you
are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send
me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband responded: "I'm having a crap. Please advise."
It almost brought a tear to my eye......
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"Well, the good news is... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon."Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours.”
"That’s unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just two”, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.”
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"Well, the good news is... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon."Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours.”
"That’s unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just two”, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.”
Tried this one myself however couldn't get hold of a Twix had to use another well known choc bar,halfway through the night it fell from my sleeve and I slipped on it,it was a careless wispa.....
Did you call a TimeOut on your act
No mate I was mars barred
H
Have a break...
a bell maul
Player Valuation: £30m
A woman, wanting to spice up her and hubby's sex life, buys a pair of crotchless knickers.
She gets home, puts them on and sashays into the living room where hubby's sat watching the footie.
She seductively lifts her leg on the sofa's arm, providing hubby with unobstructed view of 'things downstairs'
"mmmm baby" she whispers," would you like a bit of this?"
Hubby takes one look, and violently recoiling replies "F*** no!...have you seen what it's done to your knickers!!"
She gets home, puts them on and sashays into the living room where hubby's sat watching the footie.
She seductively lifts her leg on the sofa's arm, providing hubby with unobstructed view of 'things downstairs'
"mmmm baby" she whispers," would you like a bit of this?"
Hubby takes one look, and violently recoiling replies "F*** no!...have you seen what it's done to your knickers!!"