Jokes Thread

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Three men die and go to the gates of heaven, waiting in line to talk with St. Peter.

St. Pete says to the first "So you want into heaven, now? I don't think so. You loved booze so much that you married a woman named 'Brandy'"

The next man steps up and says "I'd like to go into heaven now." St. Peter looks him up and down, and says "Request denied. You loved money so much that you married a woman named 'Penny'"

The third man turns to his wife and says "Come on, Fanny, we're not getting in here."

 

[Bishop Thumpety-Thump]

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?

One , two , a one two three four !!

How many Freudians does it take to chance a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, the other to hold the cock…I mean the Dad…I mean the ladder!

 

[Milk]

Does anyone know if it's possible to take a graft from the buttocks and graft it onto a very badly burned face?

Arse skin for a friend.

 

[Milk]

I’m currently reading a book called “Fear of Sunlight” by Gladys Knight

 

[Blue 1]

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs... and no p***s?
...
Still no fking idea

No, you call it a deer. It's lack of eyes, legs and penis do not alter its species.

 

[ClausThomsen]

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs... and no p***s?
...
Still no fking idea

Penis isn't a swear word mate.

 

[Bedfordblue]

No, you call it a deer. It's lack of eyes, legs and penis do not alter its species.

 

[Vintage]

Penis isn't a swear word mate.

And there was me thinking he meant pants because the deer had no legs

 

[Rita_Poon]

And there was me thinking he meant pants because the deer had no legs

 

[ClausThomsen]

A deer, a female deer....

 

[Bishop Thumpety-Thump]

 

[Groucho]

You’ve heard the one about gaslighting.

 

[Kurt.]

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and asks “can you make me one with everything ?”

 

[Bedfordblue]

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and asks “can you make me one with everything ?”

Thought he was vegetarian

 

[Milk]

The water companies may be filling England's rivers with sh!t, but with their 36 percent price rise announcement, it's good to see at least they're still taking the p!ss.