Jokes Thread

[Milk]

Two candles talking …

One asks: “What you doing later?”
Other one answers: “Dunno. Might go out”

 

[Joey66]

Jimmy saville walked into a florist and asked for a bunch of flowers

Orchids ?


No just the flowers today thanks

?

 

[Milk]

?

You’re a horticulturalist Joey …. Flowers or Kids

Geddit?

 

[Ray Purchase]

Browsing ToffeeWeb, this gave me a laugh.

Paul Kossoff
16 Posted 08/10/2025 at 23:44:03

Someone was stealing soil from my friends allotment. I thought he'd lost the plot.

Now someone keeps adding more and more... The plot thickens.

 

[Seathestars]

I seen the news just now about the coach in the USA carrying a load of Elvis Fans to Gracelands.
It crashed off the road.
No one was hurt but apparently the passengers were all shook up.

 

[BITTER TWISTED & BLUE]

Man spots a friend of his struggling to walk,bent over and groaning with every step.

Very concerned he asks the friend “what’s wrong are you in pain” friend replies “I’ve had an accident”.

“Oh no what happened was it a car crash,tripped up or fell of a ladder” he asks?

“No no nothing like that I’ve myself”

“Ahh well,in that case you should walk upright leaning slightly back and holding your keks out at the back”.

Accident victim groans and carries on walking replying “aye,I will - when I’ve finished”



Credit to Jethro RIP.

 

[davep]

"The doctor says, 'Guys, I need to be saved. I heal people and am a valuable resource to the human population.' He grabs a parachute and jumps out.

The professor says, 'Well, I've won the Nobel Peace Prize and spoken to the leaders of the free world. The president of the United States called me the smartest man alive. It is obvious I need to be saved.' He grabs a parachute and jumps out, leaving the priest and the young boy...but only one parachute.

The priest smiles sadly at the boy and says, 'Son, I've lived a long and fruitful life. You are young and have the rest of yours in front of you. Take the last parachute.'

The boy replies, 'It's okay, sir. The smartest man alive just jumped out of the plane with my backpack.'"

I'm a big fan of starting jokes half way thru. Skip the boring stuff, get to the punchline quicker.

 

[davep]

I asked my sister-in law if my brother was the only one she was ever with

She said no, all the rest of them were nines and tens

Surely her answer was yes then?

 

[Joey66]

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came up and flashed them. One old lady immediately had a stroke. The other couldn't quite reach...​

 

[Joey66]

A man walks into a doctor's office, sits down and says "Now doctor, this may sound kind of strange, but I have five penises"

The doctor, taken aback asks him "My god, well how do your pants fit?"

To which the man replies "Like a glove"

 

[Joey66]

If you went camping and woke up with a condom hanging out of your ass would you tell anybody?

No? Want to go camping sometime?

 

[Joey66]

An elderly couple are celebrating their 50th anniversary at the restaurant where they first met. At dinner they begin reminiscing about old times. "Honey, do you remember when we made love against that fence out back?" the man asks. "Of course", replies the woman, "that was a night to remember! We should do it again, for old times' sake." The old man grins and takes his wife out the back exit. Their waiter, having overheard this, decides he has to see if they can actually still do it, and follows them out. He sees the old woman lift her dress and the old man drop his trousers. As she leans against the fence he enters her. They immediately start banging each other like jackhammers, frantically pounding into each other. After going at it for a good while, they collapse back onto the ground and lay there gasping. The waiter approaches, and says, "I'm sorry to seem like a voyeur, but that was some of the most amazing sex I've ever seen! I can't believe you two have been doing it like that for 50 years!" The old man replies, "We haven't. 50 years ago that fence wasn't electrified."