Joke thread

Status
Not open for further replies.
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
>> The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl
>> to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
>> deliver the baby.
>> Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed
>> and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by
>> his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
>> The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-
>> eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
>> Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
>> First place......smack him again!"
 

For CT and son

London, UK (Reuters) - A seven year old boy was at the centre of a London
courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who
should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially
awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and
regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree
possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt
beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with
her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the
boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal
references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted
temporary custody to the TorontoFootball Club, whom the boy
firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.:P :P
 
For TX

An Irish Priest Is Transferred To Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his
> bed.
> It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the
> window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
>
>
>
> He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front
> lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
>
>
>
> The conversation went like this:
>
>
>
> "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
>
>
>
> "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
> Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
>
>
>
> Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the
> matter?"
>
>
>
> Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
> smirk,"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took
> care of last rites!"
>
>
>
> There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then
> replied:
>
>
>
> "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of
> kin":lol: :lol: :lol:
 
Betty and Chester had known each other since childhood, but were in their sixties when they got married. They had to wait for Betty's mother to pass away first. Back in those days, there was no hanky-panky before marriage, so Chester and Betty were both still virgins. Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years However, Betty was very apprehensive. She had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not "do it." Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Betty to hurry. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy, he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her red satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as the nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition. In the meantime, Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen up close since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button, gravity having taken its toll over some sixty years. He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going to have to be helped a little more, so he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Betty is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, "Chester, I have acute angina." Chester says, "I hope so, 'cause you've sure got ugly boobs."
 
A Human Resources manager was knocked down, tragically, by a bus and was
killed.
Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.


'Before you get settled in' he said, 'We have a little problem...you see,
we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and we're
not really sure what to do with you.'


'Oh, I see,' said the woman, 'Can't you just let me in?'
'Well, I'd like to,' said St Peter, 'But I have higher orders.
We're instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven,
and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity.'


'Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven', said the woman.
'Sorry, we have rules...' at which St Peter put the HR Manager into the
downward bound elevator.


As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends...
past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks,and they talked about old times.


They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club
where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful
night
telling jokes and dancing.


Before she knew it, it was time to leave.
Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator.
The elevator went back up to heaven where St.Peter was waiting for her.


'Now it's time to spend a day in heaven,' he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, pl! aying the
harp and singing...
which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell.


At the day's end St. Peter returned.'So,' he said,
'You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven'.
'You must choose between the two.'


The woman thought for a second and replied, 'We! ll, heaven is certainly
lovely,
but I actually had a better time in hell'.
'I choose hell.'


Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back
down to hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish an! d putting it in
old sacks.
The Devil approached and put his arm around her.


'I don't understand,' stuttered the HR Manager,
'Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club.
We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time.
Now all there is, is just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends
look miserable.'



The Devil simply looked at her and smiled,






'Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff.'.................
 

MALE SENSITIVITY TEST

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You should time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to an entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

8. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.


Evaluating Results:
If you answered "A" more than 6 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered "B" more than 6 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 6 times, "YOU DA MAN!"





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
See what's new at AOL.com and Make AOL Your Homepage.
MALE SENSITIVITY TEST

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You should time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to an entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

8. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.


Evaluating Results:
If you answered "A" more than 6 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered "B" more than 6 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 6 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
 
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
 
If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam
answers .

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I,
O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
 
Whilst most people know about the hooligan violence that blighted football in the 70's and 80's, few will be aware of the clashes that took place between rival children's TV gangs. This week sees the publication of 'Congratulations you've just met the RJF', the long awaited biography from children's TV favourites, Rod, Jane and Freddy. This explosive book brings readers face to face with the relentless violence of 80's kiddies TV.Some extracts are as follows;

Beginnings Rod: In 1979 there were a lot of really useful firms operating out of ITV and "The Rainbow Boys" were one of the best in the business. The problem was, because we were new, we were always on the outside looking in. It was time to make a bit of a noise and show them we could handle ourselves.

Freddy: We decided we were going to take Play School in their home pub, Chatters wine bar in Hampstead. On the face of it, it was a fookin ridiculous thing to do. They were pretty handy and had a big reputation, but that didn't mean nothing to us. We were ready to make our mark and didn't care how we did it.

Jane: We got there early and just kept a low profile. Pretty soon the whole place was filling up. There were quite a few faces in there: Fred Harris, Derek Griffiths, Big Ted. I can't say it bothered me. All I was thinking was, "You're going to get it, you numpties!"

Rod: I think it was Johnny Ball who clocked us. I can remember him saying something like "I can think of a number: the three w****s stood over there"and it all kicked off. Even though they hit us with everything they had, we took it. All I can remember is Freddy screaming, "Hold the line, just hold the f'in line" and we did.

Jane: I didn't think they could believe that three of us had taken about forty of them at their place. They just melted away, flicking the V's at us and looking like a total set of pu-s--s. I saw Hamble with blood p!ssing from an open head wound. To be honest I was too wound up to care.

Rod: We walked away from there with our heads held high. The Rainbow Boys would have to take notice now. Rod, Jane and Freddy had well and truly arrived.

The Battle of Blue Peter

Rod: There's been a whole heap of bull spoken about who vandalised the Blue Peter Garden. The truth is that place got torn up in one of the maddest, bloodiest children's television rucks I can ever remember.

Jane: Blue Peter were always giving it some about how they were the best in the business. We were happy to let them think that. Our feeling was they'd got sloppy and hadn't fought anyone decent for about five years. Their shows always went out live, so the plan was to wait until the end of the live broadcast and pile in. The trouble was it didn't work out like that.

Freddy: We'd gone over the wall and started heading towards them. It was Simon Groom and Janet Ellis and we could tell we'd taken them by surprise.Rod wades in and bang, bang, bang they both go down like a sack of s^$te. It was all a bit too easy and we couldn't work out why the camera crew were holding back. Then we realised, they'd been having some sort of past presenter's reunion. They all came pouring out of the studios: Noakes, Purves, Singleton; all ready to kick seven shades of shte out of us.

Jane: As far as we were concerned there was only one thing to do. Stand our ground. Other firms would have run but we just thought, fck, this far and no further. It wasn't easy mind. They were tooled up with bottle tops from a bring and buy sale. Peter Duncan was just wading into us with a bicycle chain shouting, "Take that you c*~* !" I honestly didn't think we'd last much longer.

Rod: Then we heard it. The best sound in the world; "Up above the streets and houses, Rainbow climbing high!" It was The Rainbow Boys battle cry the cavalry was coming. Zippy dropped the nut on Biddy Baxter and suddenly things were a bit more even. I swear on my mother's grave if security hadn't stepped in we'd have murdered the b*****ds.

Freddy: The garden was totally f***d. They covered it up and said it was the work of vandals. No it wasn't, it was the scene of our finest hour
 
A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and

she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
OR
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
 

chicoazul said:
Lesson learned: Never, ever give Monty your email address as you will have lots of stuff from him with the prefix 'Fwd:'

Wait there, [Poor language removed].
Click to expand...

You're just jeallous because you are not on the list, only people asked get on that list mate:P :P
 
i believe the bit i quoted is from ''bart the lover'' where he sets up Edna K.

the chumbawumba song is where lisa pretends to be at college.
 

Status
Not open for further replies.

Welcome

Join Grand Old Team to get involved in the Everton discussion. Signing up is quick, easy, and completely free.

Register

Shop

Back
Top