Joke thread

[monty]

Dedicated to our English teachers and Ghost

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this.....How do non-natives ever
learn all the nuances of English???

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that word is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the
list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP , and why are
the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the
house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP
trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this up
is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP .

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to
be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the
dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page
and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP
is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you
may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes
out we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, it wets UP the earth.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so
.... Time to shut UP .....!

Oh...one more thing:!
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U P

 

[micknick]

Have you heard the one about Emile Heskey being recalled for England?

 

[Dylan]

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws


1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's

a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

I use that all the time.

 

[Ct jr.]

Two cows are grazing in a field and one says to the other "how about that mad cow disease eh?"
The other cow replies " who cares I'm a helicopter!"

 

[Ct jr.]

A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 single whiskeys, so the bar tender gives him the three glasses and he walks off to a table and drinks them one by one. The next few days he repeats this. After the 4th day of this the bartender says "I can put those all together for you if you want" so the guys says " no I like to drink three seperate ones becuase it feels like i am drinking with my 2 brothers back in ireland" This goes on for a while until one day he only orders 2 single whiskeys. The bartender asked him if anything happened to his brothers and he says "No i just gave up drinking"

 

[Ct jr.]

What happens when you tell a duck a funny joke?

They quack up.

 

[monty]

What happens when you tell a duck a funny joke?

They quack up.

Older than your dad

 

[monty]

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not


After reading all of the above, I have a new personal rule, "I WILL NO LONGER WORK DURING DRINKING HOURS.

 

[monty]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
>THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD." WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
>
>MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
>FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH
>BORE HIS FULL NAME.
>
>SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE
>BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON
>SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
>
>THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO
>OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM
>IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL
>
>"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
>
>"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
>
>HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
>
>"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED.
>
>HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD WRINKLED, FAT,
>GRAY, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

 

[monty]

> A man boards an aeroplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he
>
> glances up and sees the most beautiful woman he has ever seen
>
> boarding the plane.
>
> He soon realises she is heading straight towards his seat.
>
> A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she
>
> takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation,
>
> he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?".
>
>
>
> Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states.
>
>
>
> Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.
>
> Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever set his eyes on, sitting
>
> RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
>
> Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your
>
> business role at this convention?"
>
>
>
> Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the
>
> popular myths about sexuality."
>
>
>
> "Really," he says, swallowing hard," What myths are those?"
>
> Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men
>
> are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American
>
> Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth
>
> is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of
>
> Greek descent."
>
>
>
> Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry,"
>
> says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know
>
> your name!".
>
>
>
> "Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos."

 

[monty]

This is superb

This is a story about

A Fly, a Fish, a Bear

A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story......


(Maybe not the one

Most of you expect....

So, read on!)


In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

"Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist

From the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking,

"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking,

"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches

That fish will jump for the fly...

And I will grab the fish!!"

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank

Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...

And that fish leaps for it...

That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.

I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."



Now, you probably think this is

Enough activity on one river bank,



But I can tell you there's more....







A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,



"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...

And that fish jumps for that fly..

And that bear grabs for that fish..

The dumb hunter will shoot the bear

And drop his cheese sandwich."



A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,

(as was fashionable to do on the banks of

This particular river around lunch time)



"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..

And that fish jumps for that fly .

And that bear grabs for that fish

And that hunter shoots that bear..

And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .

Then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he

Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.


The fish swallows the fly...


The bear grabs the fish..


The hunter shoots the bear..


The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...




The cat jumps for the mouse..

The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story....






Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

Some [Poor language removed]'s gonna be in serious danger.

 

[monty]

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?"

The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating. "
The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!"
The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that."
The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?"
The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said." The first guy says, " So??? What happened?" The other guy says, "She bit my cock, shat on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! "

 

[monty]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Dianne: What in the hell is that? Rhonda: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.Dianne: Where did you get it? Rhonda: You can get them at any drugstoreThe next day, Dianne hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

 

[monty]

An exquisite painting was on display in an art gallery.

It depicted three naked, black men sitting on a park bench.

What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out.

The artist noticed their confusion so he walked up to them and asked, "Can I help you with this painting?"

One woman replied, "We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

"I`m afraid you`ve misinterpreted the painting," the artist explained.
"The three men are not Africans. They are coal miners, and the bloke in the middle went home for lunch!!."

 

[monty]

Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the! first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"


"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"


"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.





"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.


"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"




"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."