Joke thread

Status
Not open for further replies.
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
 

I went to the graveyard to lay some flowers with my girlfriend yesterday and while I was there I saw 4 men carrying a coffin, I had never seen a burreal before so it stuck in my mind. I stayed there for an hour or so contemplating my loss and the four men still carrying the coffin walked past again.

I got up from my knees and was about to leave when I saw the four men walking past again- my girlfriend said 'those blokes are mad they've been carrying that coffin for ages now' My reply- nah they've just lost the plot.
 
I am sure this is WTLW, but here you go:

Husband and WIFE are sitting quietly in bed reading, when the WIFE looks over at him and asks the question.....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurt look).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?"
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's right-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "[Poor language removed]!!!"
 
On Tuesday morning, Manchester City's new chairman Thaksin Shinawatra approached Richard Branson of Virgin with a view to sealing a new sponsorship deal for the club.

Mr Branson's reply was as follows:

Dear Mr. Shinawatra,

Sponsoring a football club has always been a lifelong ambition of mine and something that interest me greatly.

However, upon discussion with my closest advisors we do not feel it appropriate to place the Virgin logo onto a shirt of a team that gets f**ked every week.

Please accept my apologises and good luck with your new venture.

Mr. R. Branson
Virgin
 
Welton Toffee said:
On Tuesday morning, Manchester City's new chairman Thaksin Shinawatra approached Richard Branson of Virgin with a view to sealing a new sponsorship deal for the club.

Mr Branson's reply was as follows:

Dear Mr. Shinawatra,

Sponsoring a football club has always been a lifelong ambition of mine and something that interest me greatly.

However, upon discussion with my closest advisors we do not feel it appropriate to place the Virgin logo onto a shirt of a team that gets f**ked every week.

Please accept my apologises and good luck with your new venture.

Mr. R. Branson
Virgin
Click to expand...

To which Mr Shinawatra replied:

Mr Branson,

I read with dismay your thoughts on our suitability for your Brand. What could be more appropriate to the Virgin Brand? Have you never seen us play? Of course we should have Virgin emblazoned upon our shirts; the whole [Poor language removed] world knows we couldn't score in a Brothel.

T Shinawatra
 

A lion in the Chester zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a
visitor turned to the keeper and said, 'That's a docile old thing isn't
it?'
'No way', said the keeper, 'its the most ferocious beast in the zoo.'
'Why just an hour ago it dragged a Liverpool Fan into the cage and
completely devoured him.'
'Hardly seems possible' said the astonished visitor, 'why is it lying
there licking its arse?'
'The poor thing is trying get the taste out of its mouth.'
 
Chief Sitting Bull returns to his camp after a week away hunting buffalo and scalping the white man, come here ' Fly's with Eagles ' i've brought a feather back with me, put it in your hair son and be as one with it's spirit, Ah, ' Sweet Flower ' i've missed you daughter, these petals are for you, place them on your pillow and breath in their scent, it will help you dream of beautifull things.

A scruffy, dirty, little boy runs twards him, " What about me dad ? "

[Poor language removed] ! i completly forgot about you ' Two dogs [Poor language removed] '
 

URGENT MISSING REPORT

ROUND YELLOW THING USUALLY FLOATS AROUND IN THE SKY

ANSWERS TO THE NAME ''SUN''

IF YOU SEE HIM TELL HIM IT'S F***ING JULY


HERE'S A SKETCH ARTISTS IMPRESSION RELEASED BY THE POLICE TODAY
 
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
 
How do you get the van out?

whatswrong.jpg
 
HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today Everton lost, but at least I got laid.

:lol: :lol: :lol:
 

Status
Not open for further replies.

Welcome

Join Grand Old Team to get involved in the Everton discussion. Signing up is quick, easy, and completely free.

Register

Shop

Back
Top