Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[ChicagoToffee]

Mate -

Best of luck to you. My first time on this bit of GOT even I've been in and out, lurking here and there, for years.

I have no perspective on your situation so I won't act as if but karma does an excellent job on its own. If he's got it coming, let it happen. Measure the need for revenge / payback carefully.

I hope you find peace and happiness at the end of this - godspeed.

 

[Barnfred 55]

He is the reason I bottled it the times before. One part of me wants to end it as then he won't have a split home and he will be a very wealthy young man.

Sense of worth is a really odd one for me. In my profession, to make the cash I needed for my family I have had to go to the top of my industry, not just the company. Honestly, if you knew what I do and who for... you'd quickly understand the pressure I live with daily.

From my colleagues, they literally put me on a pedestal. Whereas home life, she just want to see it... in fact the opposite, its another stick to beat me with.

Thanks for the kind words, some amazing people on this forum.

Mate don't even think about it, especially for financial reasons. Many life companies have suicide clause in their small print and. besides that, I'm a 1000% certain your lad would rather have you in his life than a few grand. Plus the money would probably end up in the hands of your soon to be ex even if it's written in trust.

 

[anjelikaferrett]

Hey all, where to start with this... apologies to burden others but I'm really struggling.

Things hadn't been great with my partner but life was ok. We have the most amazing perfect little boy, he is very nearly 2. He is my world.

I found out in November that she had been having an affair with her boss, who was also a good friend of mine. Since then life has been really tough. Over Christmas she took my boy to Poland to be with her family and I had 9 days alone when I should have been enjoying the time with my boy.

She has strung me along to keep the comfort of our home, whilst also chasing this other guy. They split for a little and within a week he was already dating other women. He knew what my boy looked like and how young he is, it feels very sinister as I feel he is literally stealing my child.

I have tried on at least 4 occasions to end it now, I just can't cope with him parading my child round like a trophy. Last night was the latest attempt, she got very aggressive trying to stop me and I now have several bite marks on my back and very bruised feet... and one snapped belt.

It has literally smashed me to pieces. I have lost over 15kg since Christmas and I'm desperately trying to be the best me I can be, but she is still living here and I have to watch as she builds a life with him. He leaves a wife and 2 young children.

I am so unlucky, when I did get the courage to call the smaritans, they didn't pick up. People tell me it will get easier and time will heal, but I just can't get past his involvement with my boy. To me he is pure evil, to know the family you are destroying and still do it, not sure what sort of scum does that.

I found a bunch of messages on her phone and that's how I busted them, reading about how my child would be ok with it as he is so young. Society literally sticks the middle finger up at men in this scenario, then want to charge you for it. I would get more help if someone stole my car, but I'm totally powerless in who is involved in my boys life. I just can't see a way I can ever get passed it. I will lose seeing my boy for over 5 years before he is 16, 5 years I can't be there and 5 years of influence from this other guy. My son will treat him like a father figure and that just totally grinds me to the core.

I have had to hear and see so much, I literally did nothing more than work hard to provide for my family. For childcare, the enabler for her to do this, I had to find £1100 a month, all the burden fell on me but I did it. I moved my salary by 15k in a year, it took a lot to do... massive hours, high pressure. She just couldn't see the value as she has no responsibility for finances.

Apologies for the long post, I could literally write a book on what I have been through. I know ending it isn't the way but I can't shake the gut wrenching pain and its been about 10 weeks now.

Please talk to somebody and get some legal advice - especially about taking him out of the country with her. None of this is your fault. You have a beautiful son who loves you and who you love very much. Please hang on to that - nothing can change the fact that you are his Dad. There are others on here who have experienced similar devastating break ups. I'm sure they will be able to offer good advice and support for you. Keep posting x

 

[anjelikaferrett]

I told my husband over 2 weeks ago that I wanted him to leave, he has lost his job as he didn’t return to work after Christmas as he didn’t even phone them with a reason. He drinks 24 hours a day only stops when he passes out on the sofa. He still hasn’t left and until he finds another sucker to put up with his antics, he never will.
I contacted threshold myself and through my therapist and was told there was a waiting list so I’m a little in limbo at the moment.

Oh mate, that's awful. Sorry to hear this. Is there any way you can force him out - get a restraining order if he is abusive to you or your daughter. Much love x

 

[Gwladysover]

I told my husband over 2 weeks ago that I wanted him to leave, he has lost his job as he didn’t return to work after Christmas as he didn’t even phone them with a reason. He drinks 24 hours a day only stops when he passes out on the sofa. He still hasn’t left and until he finds another sucker to put up with his antics, he never will.
I contacted threshold myself and through my therapist and was told there was a waiting list so I’m a little in limbo at the moment.

Sorry to hear that there is a waiting list but hopefully it won’t be too long before you hear. Best wishes.?

 

[Twinkletoes123]

Oh mate, that's awful. Sorry to hear this. Is there any way you can force him out - get a restraining order if he is abusive to you or your daughter. Much love x

He’s no longer abusive since he knows I am serious and want him to go. He looks a real sorry mess ATM, hasn’t showered in weeks but I am well aware it’s a ploy for me to feel sorry for him as he has done it in the past. He drinks JD and chain smokes non stop, hasn’t contributed since before Christmas and I can’t even claim anything.
I have this large collection of dolls that I had in the loft that I am having to sell bit by bit so that I can pay my bills, which is a nightmare itself but it keeps a roof over our head. I haven’t even got a car at the moment as he wouldn’t have it fixed when I offered to pay numerous times and I was met with stop nagging and I’ll do it tomorrow until the cam belt went so it’s gone on the back burner until my finances improve.
My life is an absolute nightmare and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

 

[David09]

Honestly, I'm just wired different. I dont see myself at all. I had a guy I worked with for 6 months in India tell me I was an inspiration to him for my work ethic, even told how when it was tough he thought, what would he do. Never met him in person but just amazed I can have that impact on others.

I guess the boy is the driving factor. No boy, no second chance needed. But I feel I owe it to my son to give everything I got to make sure he has what he needs. She is happy to walk away from a baby for half a week for her selfishness... I just can't believe a mother could do that.

For sure will check out Dads for justice, didn't even consider that but great advice. Thank you!

Hi mate. I've been through a similar type of thing over the past few years.
I have a 16 year old daughter who has been through absolute hell . But she stopped me doing anything daft.
She is settled now and living with her mum which I have now accepted. But we talk most days on the phone and go for a cup of tea most weekends.
My daughter would rather chat on the phone and moan about 6th form though with me rather than thinking about why I committed suicide and left her a bit of money. I no for a fact it would of destroyed her.
Forget about revenge as it wont work as well.
Go to accident and emergency if you get that desperate as they wont turn you away. Please get some help mate.
Your son will always love you. Don't push him away like I did with my daughter. My daughter didn't want to spend time with me when I was miserable and sad. Kids need love , smiles and happiness and I regret the hurt I caused my daughter.
There is always someone here mate for a chat

 

[David09]

Thank you, its amazing how others see it so easily. I have heard things from friends and colleagues that have just floored me. How they see me, I just don't see myself the same way. This morning she even tried to tell me it wasn't an affair, it was a relationship with a future... like shes reclassified it to make it less guilt ridden for her.

I tried posting many times over the last few weeks, today I got the courage to hit post.

My Ex decided she hadn't had an affair either mate. But it was just lies to cover up the fact she had been sleeping with a friends partner and arranging work around it .
She was more worried about her career than her daughter.
Just ignore her lies.
Remember if she pushes you over the edge she has won. My Ex wanted me gone to cover up her affair and other stuff within our marriage.

 

[Spotty]

Hey all, where to start with this... apologies to burden others but I'm really struggling.

Things hadn't been great with my partner but life was ok. We have the most amazing perfect little boy, he is very nearly 2. He is my world.

I found out in November that she had been having an affair with her boss, who was also a good friend of mine. Since then life has been really tough. Over Christmas she took my boy to Poland to be with her family and I had 9 days alone when I should have been enjoying the time with my boy.

She has strung me along to keep the comfort of our home, whilst also chasing this other guy. They split for a little and within a week he was already dating other women. He knew what my boy looked like and how young he is, it feels very sinister as I feel he is literally stealing my child.

I have tried on at least 4 occasions to end it now, I just can't cope with him parading my child round like a trophy. Last night was the latest attempt, she got very aggressive trying to stop me and I now have several bite marks on my back and very bruised feet... and one snapped belt.

It has literally smashed me to pieces. I have lost over 15kg since Christmas and I'm desperately trying to be the best me I can be, but she is still living here and I have to watch as she builds a life with him. He leaves a wife and 2 young children.

I am so unlucky, when I did get the courage to call the smaritans, they didn't pick up. People tell me it will get easier and time will heal, but I just can't get past his involvement with my boy. To me he is pure evil, to know the family you are destroying and still do it, not sure what sort of scum does that.

I found a bunch of messages on her phone and that's how I busted them, reading about how my child would be ok with it as he is so young. Society literally sticks the middle finger up at men in this scenario, then want to charge you for it. I would get more help if someone stole my car, but I'm totally powerless in who is involved in my boys life. I just can't see a way I can ever get passed it. I will lose seeing my boy for over 5 years before he is 16, 5 years I can't be there and 5 years of influence from this other guy. My son will treat him like a father figure and that just totally grinds me to the core.

I have had to hear and see so much, I literally did nothing more than work hard to provide for my family. For childcare, the enabler for her to do this, I had to find £1100 a month, all the burden fell on me but I did it. I moved my salary by 15k in a year, it took a lot to do... massive hours, high pressure. She just couldn't see the value as she has no responsibility for finances.

Apologies for the long post, I could literally write a book on what I have been through. I know ending it isn't the way but I can't shake the gut wrenching pain and its been about 10 weeks now.

Blue Jim, you have legal rights if you are named as the biological father on your child's birth certificate

Hey all, where to start with this... apologies to burden others but I'm really struggling.

Things hadn't been great with my partner but life was ok. We have the most amazing perfect little boy, he is very nearly 2. He is my world.

I found out in November that she had been having an affair with her boss, who was also a good friend of mine. Since then life has been really tough. Over Christmas she took my boy to Poland to be with her family and I had 9 days alone when I should have been enjoying the time with my boy.

She has strung me along to keep the comfort of our home, whilst also chasing this other guy. They split for a little and within a week he was already dating other women. He knew what my boy looked like and how young he is, it feels very sinister as I feel he is literally stealing my child.

I have tried on at least 4 occasions to end it now, I just can't cope with him parading my child round like a trophy. Last night was the latest attempt, she got very aggressive trying to stop me and I now have several bite marks on my back and very bruised feet... and one snapped belt.

It has literally smashed me to pieces. I have lost over 15kg since Christmas and I'm desperately trying to be the best me I can be, but she is still living here and I have to watch as she builds a life with him. He leaves a wife and 2 young children.

I am so unlucky, when I did get the courage to call the smaritans, they didn't pick up. People tell me it will get easier and time will heal, but I just can't get past his involvement with my boy. To me he is pure evil, to know the family you are destroying and still do it, not sure what sort of scum does that.

I found a bunch of messages on her phone and that's how I busted them, reading about how my child would be ok with it as he is so young. Society literally sticks the middle finger up at men in this scenario, then want to charge you for it. I would get more help if someone stole my car, but I'm totally powerless in who is involved in my boys life. I just can't see a way I can ever get passed it. I will lose seeing my boy for over 5 years before he is 16, 5 years I can't be there and 5 years of influence from this other guy. My son will treat him like a father figure and that just totally grinds me to the core.

I have had to hear and see so much, I literally did nothing more than work hard to provide for my family. For childcare, the enabler for her to do this, I had to find £1100 a month, all the burden fell on me but I did it. I moved my salary by 15k in a year, it took a lot to do... massive hours, high pressure. She just couldn't see the value as she has no responsibility for finances.

Apologies for the long post, I could literally write a book on what I have been through. I know ending it isn't the way but I can't shake the gut wrenching pain and its been about 10 weeks now.

Bluejim I'm so sorry for your distress at the moment, but THERE IS HOPE. Firstly your child. When I'm not working I volunteer for the Citizens Advice Bureau. I come across your situation a lot. I will enclose a link I want you to look at. Read carefully buddy as it's very informative. It touches on all aspects of parental responsibility and you will find it very informative. If you are named as the biological father on the birth certificate you have rights to access, to be part of the decision making process in ALL the important aspects of your child's life, including health, education and other important milestones. These rights cannot be denied you by your wife by law, as long as you are a caring responsible parent. In short, if you can't sort out things like access with your wife, then IT WILL be up to the Judge to make that decision. But there is a pre requisite BEFORE a judge gets involved. You MUST HAVE ATTENDED OR TRIED TO ATTEND mediation before it gets to the Court. He / she will take into consideration your personal situation prior to making a decision on access etc but rightly, the child's needs will ALWAYS come first.

As I say, click the link and have a good read because as biological father documented on the birth certificate, YOU DO HAVE RIGHTS, regardless of what your partner may or may not say.

As for your mental health my friend, you feel powerless and hopeless and you THINK you have no contro over the situation but believe me you do. It is perfectly understandable your feeling desperate. The above issues I've alluded to will hopefully, offer you some hope. None the less as others have mentioned, your son needs his father, YOU. Yes it's extremely painfull but you MUST look at the picture hollistically. I'm sure your a loving caring dad and your son needs you around. Visit your GP if you haven't already, they may prescribe medication which may take the edge of things for you. Sorround yourself with people who care and love you, and who will listen. There are excellent Organisations like Children Need Father's, and they are easily accessed via the net etc. If it ever gets to the point that your thinking seriously about killing yourself, call the police. They will attend and get in touch with mental health services. You can also attend the local A / E and tell them how your feeling.

I strongly suspect Blue your mental health will begin to improve somewhat if you have some hope to cling to, and I assure you, there is hope. Share your problems Blue, talk to people, there are lots of people ready to give you the support you need, but they need to know your struggling fella. The World's a better p!ace with you around, your son needs you around and I'm sure he's a fine young boy who's certainly worth fighting for. Do whatever you can to keep yourself safe, to give yourself some options and make sure that those who love and care for you, know your struggling. If you want to DM me, I will respond as soon as I can. Take care fella and all the best.

Parental rights and responsibilities

Who has parental responsibility for looking after children, and how to apply for parental responsibility if you were unmarried to the mother or are not on the birth certificate

www.gov.uk

 

[bluejim95]

Blue Jim, you have legal rights if you are named as the biological father on your child's birth certificate

Bluejim I'm so sorry for your distress at the moment, but THERE IS HOPE. Firstly your child. When I'm not working I volunteer for the Citizens Advice Bureau. I come across your situation a lot. I will enclose a link I want you to look at. Read carefully buddy as it's very informative. It touches on all aspects of parental responsibility and you will find it very informative. If you are named as the biological father on the birth certificate you have rights to access, to be part of the decision making process in ALL the important aspects of your child's life, including health, education and other important milestones. These rights cannot be denied you by your wife by law, as long as you are a caring responsible parent. In short, if you can't sort out things like access with your wife, then IT WILL be up to the Judge to make that decision. But there is a pre requisite BEFORE a judge gets involved. You MUST HAVE ATTENDED OR TRIED TO ATTEND mediation before it gets to the Court. He / she will take into consideration your personal situation prior to making a decision on access etc but rightly, the child's needs will ALWAYS come first.

As I say, click the link and have a good read because as biological father documented on the birth certificate, YOU DO HAVE RIGHTS, regardless of what your partner may or may not say.

As for your mental health my friend, you feel powerless and hopeless and you THINK you have no contro over the situation but believe me you do. It is perfectly understandable your feeling desperate. The above issues I've alluded to will hopefully, offer you some hope. None the less as others have mentioned, your son needs his father, YOU. Yes it's extremely painfull but you MUST look at the picture hollistically. I'm sure your a loving caring dad and your son needs you around. Visit your GP if you haven't already, they may prescribe medication which may take the edge of things for you. Sorround yourself with people who care and love you, and who will listen. There are excellent Organisations like Children Need Father's, and they are easily accessed via the net etc. If it ever gets to the point that your thinking seriously about killing yourself, call the police. They will attend and get in touch with mental health services. You can also attend the local A / E and tell them how your feeling.

I strongly suspect Blue your mental health will begin to improve somewhat if you have some hope to cling to, and I assure you, there is hope. Share your problems Blue, talk to people, there are lots of people ready to give you the support you need, but they need to know your struggling fella. The World's a better p!ace with you around, your son needs you around and I'm sure he's a fine young boy who's certainly worth fighting for. Do whatever you can to keep yourself safe, to give yourself some options and make sure that those who love and care for you, know your struggling. If you want to DM me, I will respond as soon as I can. Take care fella and all the best.

Parental rights and responsibilities

Who has parental responsibility for looking after children, and how to apply for parental responsibility if you were unmarried to the mother or are not on the birth certificate

www.gov.uk

Thanks so much for this. Proper dark times... just wave after wave of pain. Every day there is something, I just have to take the punch and get back up.

Yesterday I had to hear about her realising she hadn't shown me any respect, 30 mins after climbing out of his bed. I told her she is speaking to the wrong guy, try asking him about the respect he had for his wife, children, friend and colleague.

People think I'm crazy when I say I got it from a football forum. But the fact no one has anything to gain apart from friendship means the advice is pure. I can't thank you enough and all the rest here, to take the time for a guy they never met and give such kindness. Gives me faith in the world, really.

When they talk about Everton being a family club, this is what they mean.

 

[bluejim95]

Hi mate. I've been through a similar type of thing over the past few years.
I have a 16 year old daughter who has been through absolute hell . But she stopped me doing anything daft.
She is settled now and living with her mum which I have now accepted. But we talk most days on the phone and go for a cup of tea most weekends.
My daughter would rather chat on the phone and moan about 6th form though with me rather than thinking about why I committed suicide and left her a bit of money. I no for a fact it would of destroyed her.
Forget about revenge as it wont work as well.
Go to accident and emergency if you get that desperate as they wont turn you away. Please get some help mate.
Your son will always love you. Don't push him away like I did with my daughter. My daughter didn't want to spend time with me when I was miserable and sad. Kids need love , smiles and happiness and I regret the hurt I caused my daughter.
There is always someone here mate for a chat

I really get the pushing away part. When all this happened it was really hard to describe. I could only put it down like I was renting a ferrari. Yeah its great, having the experience but you know you have to give it back. Worrying whether anything will happen to ruin the day.

Not like owning one where you can admire it, take it out whenever you want and spend time looking after it.

I know its not my boys fault and I wish he was old enough to understand. Being so young, when these years are so vital to him... all this takes away from him, emotionally, development, financially... she just can't see the damage she is doing to our beautiful son.

I feel for him whilst she shuts her feelings down. She hasn't even processed the fact she will not see her son everyday, whilst ruining the chance to do so.

 

[bluejim95]

Mate don't even think about it, especially for financial reasons. Many life companies have suicide clause in their small print and. besides that, I'm a 1000% certain your lad would rather have you in his life than a few grand. Plus the money would probably end up in the hands of your soon to be ex even if it's written in trust.

Its difficult because I am the sort of person that thinks through as many outcomes as possible, trying to second guess life to navigate a way through. Times like these, all it does it make me suffer needlessly... shutting it down is going against who I am.

I have been made into the issue, she told me she wants something different... in reality its just someone different. She wants the life, the child, the home, the same dreams as before... just me in the way. I just find myself apologising to my boy over and over for not being able to save his family.

 

[anjelikaferrett]

Hi mate. I've been through a similar type of thing over the past few years.
I have a 16 year old daughter who has been through absolute hell . But she stopped me doing anything daft.
She is settled now and living with her mum which I have now accepted. But we talk most days on the phone and go for a cup of tea most weekends.
My daughter would rather chat on the phone and moan about 6th form though with me rather than thinking about why I committed suicide and left her a bit of money. I no for a fact it would of destroyed her.
Forget about revenge as it wont work as well.
Go to accident and emergency if you get that desperate as they wont turn you away. Please get some help mate.
Your son will always love you. Don't push him away like I did with my daughter. My daughter didn't want to spend time with me when I was miserable and sad. Kids need love , smiles and happiness and I regret the hurt I caused my daughter.
There is always someone here mate for a chat

I'm so happy to read about your relationship with your daughter. It's lovely and a great outcome for you and her.

 

[ForeverBlue92]

I just can't bear the thought of him influencing my son. I fought so hard, literally begged her not to do this to our boy. Just got to the point where she is going to do it regardless and I dont think I can watch it play out.

Shes literally just replaced me in what was our future. Still wants another child, still wants the big house, the wedding, etc... just not with me. Given he has literally only given her words, whereas I gave her lifetime comfort and security, I just felt like she owed me a chance. A chance to save the family... if it weren't for my boy, she would have been picking clothes up off the driveway.

When he's old enough he'll know the score mate.

 

[bluejim95]

When he's old enough he'll know the score mate.

I hope so Sir, I really do. Just wish he didn't have to go through all this.

Shes out with the something new today, just had 45 minutes of the little man crying his eyes out, screaming for his mum at the front door. Cried himself to sleep now. Cant tell you how hard it is to watch that.