Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[COYBL25]

Hey all, where to start with this... apologies to burden others but I'm really struggling.

Things hadn't been great with my partner but life was ok. We have the most amazing perfect little boy, he is very nearly 2. He is my world.

I found out in November that she had been having an affair with her boss, who was also a good friend of mine. Since then life has been really tough. Over Christmas she took my boy to Poland to be with her family and I had 9 days alone when I should have been enjoying the time with my boy.

She has strung me along to keep the comfort of our home, whilst also chasing this other guy. They split for a little and within a week he was already dating other women. He knew what my boy looked like and how young he is, it feels very sinister as I feel he is literally stealing my child.

I have tried on at least 4 occasions to end it now, I just can't cope with him parading my child round like a trophy. Last night was the latest attempt, she got very aggressive trying to stop me and I now have several bite marks on my back and very bruised feet... and one snapped belt.

It has literally smashed me to pieces. I have lost over 15kg since Christmas and I'm desperately trying to be the best me I can be, but she is still living here and I have to watch as she builds a life with him. He leaves a wife and 2 young children.

I am so unlucky, when I did get the courage to call the smaritans, they didn't pick up. People tell me it will get easier and time will heal, but I just can't get past his involvement with my boy. To me he is pure evil, to know the family you are destroying and still do it, not sure what sort of scum does that.

I found a bunch of messages on her phone and that's how I busted them, reading about how my child would be ok with it as he is so young. Society literally sticks the middle finger up at men in this scenario, then want to charge you for it. I would get more help if someone stole my car, but I'm totally powerless in who is involved in my boys life. I just can't see a way I can ever get passed it. I will lose seeing my boy for over 5 years before he is 16, 5 years I can't be there and 5 years of influence from this other guy. My son will treat him like a father figure and that just totally grinds me to the core.

I have had to hear and see so much, I literally did nothing more than work hard to provide for my family. For childcare, the enabler for her to do this, I had to find £1100 a month, all the burden fell on me but I did it. I moved my salary by 15k in a year, it took a lot to do... massive hours, high pressure. She just couldn't see the value as she has no responsibility for finances.

Apologies for the long post, I could literally write a book on what I have been through. I know ending it isn't the way but I can't shake the gut wrenching pain and its been about 10 weeks now.

Hello mate,

Just thinking out loud, have you looked at the likes of Fathers for Justice for help, support and advice ?

Forget about all the getting dressed up as Batman and hanging off bridges stuff, they`ve evolved into a highly effective and professional outfit, who have access to free legal services / advice c/o some of their members, who are in the legal game and been burnt themselves.

They really helped an old mate of mine, who`s missus did the exact same thing as happened to you, except they had a couple more kids than you.

You need legal advice about your rights and also what she can and can`t do. That way you can sort out legally binding access to your child, that she will have to comply with.

There`s quite a few lads on here, who`ve been / are in a similar situation to the one you`re in now and I`m sure they can offer some very good practical advice and support.

First thing you need to do, is start recording everything - time/date/ location/what went on and who was there.

If you ever end up with a solicitor, this will help them measurably.

 

[COYBL25]

Thank you, its amazing how others see it so easily. I have heard things from friends and colleagues that have just floored me. How they see me, I just don't see myself the same way. This morning she even tried to tell me it wasn't an affair, it was a relationship with a future... like shes reclassified it to make it less guilt ridden for her.

I tried posting many times over the last few weeks, today I got the courage to hit post.

Ps - I`m assuming your ex is Polish ?

The only reason I ask, is that I used to work with a load of Polish girls in a Solicitors office that I worked at - they ran the Polish / Eastern European section of the firm.

They seemed to be quite brutal with the way they treated their boyfriends, literally using each one as a stepping stone for someone who was in a better position and wealthier. Their only aim in life, seemed to be to keep going through men, until they got to the most powerful and wealthy man they could get to.

It seemed to me, looking from the outside in, that this was culturally normal, as the way they behaved, seemed to them to be normal and with no shame at all, in going after fellas, who had money, even if they had partners and families.

 

[blue to the bone]

Thank you, its amazing how others see it so easily. I have heard things from friends and colleagues that have just floored me. How they see me, I just don't see myself the same way. This morning she even tried to tell me it wasn't an affair, it was a relationship with a future... like shes reclassified it to make it less guilt ridden for her.

I tried posting many times over the last few weeks, today I got the courage to hit post.

Well done for sharing mate. That's an important step. You will get plenty support now . It's tough but ending it is not the solution

 

[Earwigjoe]

I just can't bear the thought of him influencing my son. I fought so hard, literally begged her not to do this to our boy. Just got to the point where she is going to do it regardless and I dont think I can watch it play out.

Shes literally just replaced me in what was our future. Still wants another child, still wants the big house, the wedding, etc... just not with me. Given he has literally only given her words, whereas I gave her lifetime comfort and security, I just felt like she owed me a chance. A chance to save the family... if it weren't for my boy, she would have been picking clothes up off the driveway.

You feel like she owed you a chance??? Mate you've done nothing wrong except fall in love with the wrong person, many of us have done the same thing. She really doesn't deserve any of these things you want to give her. If you can love yourself half as much as you love her you'll realise you deserve better.Get legal advice and Take @COYBL25 advice and seek out fathers for justice and youll realise you're not on your own. Youre Daddy to a wonderful little boy - you're his King - dont let a dishonest woman come between you. ?

 

[Twinkletoes123]

Hope everyone who posts here is doing OK.
I'm mixing the good with the bad days .
@Twinkletoes123 hope your situation improved

I told my husband over 2 weeks ago that I wanted him to leave, he has lost his job as he didn’t return to work after Christmas as he didn’t even phone them with a reason. He drinks 24 hours a day only stops when he passes out on the sofa. He still hasn’t left and until he finds another sucker to put up with his antics, he never will.
I contacted threshold myself and through my therapist and was told there was a waiting list so I’m a little in limbo at the moment.

 

[Toffeeforme]

Hey all, where to start with this... apologies to burden others but I'm really struggling.

Things hadn't been great with my partner but life was ok. We have the most amazing perfect little boy, he is very nearly 2. He is my world.

I found out in November that she had been having an affair with her boss, who was also a good friend of mine. Since then life has been really tough. Over Christmas she took my boy to Poland to be with her family and I had 9 days alone when I should have been enjoying the time with my boy.

She has strung me along to keep the comfort of our home, whilst also chasing this other guy. They split for a little and within a week he was already dating other women. He knew what my boy looked like and how young he is, it feels very sinister as I feel he is literally stealing my child.

I have tried on at least 4 occasions to end it now, I just can't cope with him parading my child round like a trophy. Last night was the latest attempt, she got very aggressive trying to stop me and I now have several bite marks on my back and very bruised feet... and one snapped belt.

It has literally smashed me to pieces. I have lost over 15kg since Christmas and I'm desperately trying to be the best me I can be, but she is still living here and I have to watch as she builds a life with him. He leaves a wife and 2 young children.

I am so unlucky, when I did get the courage to call the smaritans, they didn't pick up. People tell me it will get easier and time will heal, but I just can't get past his involvement with my boy. To me he is pure evil, to know the family you are destroying and still do it, not sure what sort of scum does that.

I found a bunch of messages on her phone and that's how I busted them, reading about how my child would be ok with it as he is so young. Society literally sticks the middle finger up at men in this scenario, then want to charge you for it. I would get more help if someone stole my car, but I'm totally powerless in who is involved in my boys life. I just can't see a way I can ever get passed it. I will lose seeing my boy for over 5 years before he is 16, 5 years I can't be there and 5 years of influence from this other guy. My son will treat him like a father figure and that just totally grinds me to the core.

I have had to hear and see so much, I literally did nothing more than work hard to provide for my family. For childcare, the enabler for her to do this, I had to find £1100 a month, all the burden fell on me but I did it. I moved my salary by 15k in a year, it took a lot to do... massive hours, high pressure. She just couldn't see the value as she has no responsibility for finances.

Apologies for the long post, I could literally write a book on what I have been through. I know ending it isn't the way but I can't shake the gut wrenching pain and its been about 10 weeks now.

Hi do you have someone who you can get support from. Family or friends. In these situations it helps to have someone help with cooking and getting out for walks. It may seem impossible to do but you need to force yourself. Join a gym. Get some medical advice you should probably be on some antidepressants to help get you through. Stay off the ale. All this might seem impossible but if you do it you will come through this much quicker. She sounds like a horror to me and her time will come. Seak legal advice to maintain contact with your son. Spoil him when you see him as she will likely poison your name. Lastly and this may seem a bit harsh, thank your lucky stars you got rid of this witch whilst still a young man. Hope you get through this good luck be strong.

 

[bluejim95]

Ps - I`m assuming your ex is Polish ?

The only reason I ask, is that I used to work with a load of Polish girls in a Solicitors office that I worked at - they ran the Polish / Eastern European section of the firm.

They seemed to be quite brutal with the way they treated their boyfriends, literally using each one as a stepping stone for someone who was in a better position and wealthier. Their only aim in life, seemed to be to keep going through men, until they got to the most powerful and wealthy man they could get to.

It seemed to me, looking from the outside in, that this was culturally normal, as the way they behaved, seemed to them to be normal and with no shame at all, in going after fellas, who had money, even if they had partners and families.

This is why I love this forum. Literally blown my mind with this. Such a cross section of people with zero agenda... just helping out fellow blues.

The beauty is, he won't be wealthier for much longer. I have the keys to end his career, just positioning myself before I unlock. I will feel like I have won the lottery twice if it happens after this post.

Thank you!

 

[COYBL25]

This is why I love this forum. Literally blown my mind with this. Such a cross section of people with zero agenda... just helping out fellow blues.

The beauty is, he won't be wealthier for much longer. I have the keys to end his career, just positioning myself before I unlock. I will feel like I have won the lottery twice if it happens after this post.

Thank you!

Tread carefully mate, as for every action, there is a reaction.

Seek legal advice before you do anything.

 

[Devanski]

I told my husband over 2 weeks ago that I wanted him to leave, he has lost his job as he didn’t return to work after Christmas as he didn’t even phone them with a reason. He drinks 24 hours a day only stops when he passes out on the sofa. He still hasn’t left and until he finds another sucker to put up with his antics, he never will.
I contacted threshold myself and through my therapist and was told there was a waiting list so I’m a little in limbo at the moment.

Glad to see you posting again @Twinkletoes123, I was concerned when you weren’t around for a time ?.

Things have improved even if only marginally.

You have told him that you want him out and you’ve contacted threshold. It’s unfortunate that they have a waiting list but stay strong and be patient, small steps have been taken and your freedom may be coming soon (ish).
Sending my best wishes .

 

[blue to the bone]

I told my husband over 2 weeks ago that I wanted him to leave, he has lost his job as he didn’t return to work after Christmas as he didn’t even phone them with a reason. He drinks 24 hours a day only stops when he passes out on the sofa. He still hasn’t left and until he finds another sucker to put up with his antics, he never will.
I contacted threshold myself and through my therapist and was told there was a waiting list so I’m a little in limbo at the moment.

Sorry to hear that but good see u posting.
Small consolation but it looks like u made a brave decision telling him and set the wheels in motion even if it takes time

 

[bluejim95]

You feel like she owed you a chance??? Mate you've done nothing wrong except fall in love with the wrong person, many of us have done the same thing. She really doesn't deserve any of these things you want to give her. If you can love yourself half as much as you love her you'll realise you deserve better.Get legal advice and Take @COYBL25 advice and seek out fathers for justice and youll realise you're not on your own. Youre Daddy to a wonderful little boy - you're his King - dont let a dishonest woman come between you. ?

Honestly, I'm just wired different. I dont see myself at all. I had a guy I worked with for 6 months in India tell me I was an inspiration to him for my work ethic, even told how when it was tough he thought, what would he do. Never met him in person but just amazed I can have that impact on others.

I guess the boy is the driving factor. No boy, no second chance needed. But I feel I owe it to my son to give everything I got to make sure he has what he needs. She is happy to walk away from a baby for half a week for her selfishness... I just can't believe a mother could do that.

For sure will check out Dads for justice, didn't even consider that but great advice. Thank you!

 

[Devanski]

Thank you, its amazing how others see it so easily. I have heard things from friends and colleagues that have just floored me. How they see me, I just don't see myself the same way. This morning she even tried to tell me it wasn't an affair, it was a relationship with a future... like shes reclassified it to make it less guilt ridden for her.

I tried posting many times over the last few weeks, today I got the courage to hit post.

I’ll only add that you cannot take yourself out of your sons life and rob him of his father.
Some great advice has been given by others and hopefully you can take that advice and use it to rebuild your sense of worth and the importance you will have in your sons life.
Stay strong @bluejim95 and keep posting here as much as you need. You are not alone. ?

 

[bluejim95]

Tread carefully mate, as for every action, there is a reaction.

Seek legal advice before you do anything.

Thanks for all this... felt like I been on my own and today you have all made me feel worthwhile again. She literally been setting me up to fail for months, day after day. I actually felt like I have done something wrong.

I have a little battle plan, cut the ties, make sure she has nothing on me, show her the door... if I can ruin him just after, it wont fix anything but I will feel like karma gave him a double slap.

 

[bluejim95]

Hi do you have someone who you can get support from. Family or friends. In these situations it helps to have someone help with cooking and getting out for walks. It may seem impossible to do but you need to force yourself. Join a gym. Get some medical advice you should probably be on some antidepressants to help get you through. Stay off the ale. All this might seem impossible but if you do it you will come through this much quicker. She sounds like a horror to me and her time will come. Seak legal advice to maintain contact with your son. Spoil him when you see him as she will likely poison your name. Lastly and this may seem a bit harsh, thank your lucky stars you got rid of this witch whilst still a young man. Hope you get through this good luck be strong.

It really is when you know who your true friends are. Two great friends that I lost my way with through pandemic and life... one contacted me to wish me a happy birthday. Told him where my head was at, 30 mins later they had both binned off work and stayed with me all day. Havent seen them for 2 years...

I'm doing all the positive stuff, exercise, family, friends, therapy... poor lady, she over ran my session by 45 mins. Just I can't shake the thought of him having my boy as a trophy. I try to do so much positive but struggle to balance it against the bad. As she still lives with me, she's mastered the technique of giving me tiny snippets to make me think there might be a way back... every day another punch to get up from.

I do think she has been forcing me to call it so she can say it was me that broke the family.

 

[bluejim95]

I’ll only add that you cannot take yourself out of your sons life and rob him of his father.
Some great advice has been given by others and hopefully you can take that advice and use it to rebuild your sense of worth and the importance you will have in your sons life.
Stay strong @bluejim95 and keep posting here as much as you need. You are not alone. ?

He is the reason I bottled it the times before. One part of me wants to end it as then he won't have a split home and he will be a very wealthy young man.

Sense of worth is a really odd one for me. In my profession, to make the cash I needed for my family I have had to go to the top of my industry, not just the company. Honestly, if you knew what I do and who for... you'd quickly understand the pressure I live with daily.

From my colleagues, they literally put me on a pedestal. Whereas home life, she just want to see it... in fact the opposite, its another stick to beat me with.

Thanks for the kind words, some amazing people on this forum.