Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[coollino]

From the sounds of it you can't need 100% proof to know what's going on? Sounds like more than just a hunch.

If you deem her a friend then say something to her privately.

Wouldn't you talk to your out-of-work friends if you were worried about their wellbeing? (not their job security)

My main issue is I think she will spiral if it's a yes or no, I think I'm going to have to though l. I guess it's the best thing to do long term regardless

 

[Nymzee]

My main issue is I think she will spiral if it's a yes or no, I think I'm going to have to though l. I guess it's the best thing to do long term regardless

You said it seems to be getting worse anyway so isn't that spiralling in itself? Personally I think it would be worse for you to notice and do nothing about it.

Work is work, whatever really. But a long-term break up, CBT therapy, this time of year being rough for people, just look out for her.

You don't necessarily have to go straight into it with her. Just make her aware you're there to talk to and she might come to you with it anyway.

 

[Rita_Poon]

You said it seems to be getting worse anyway so isn't that spiralling in itself? Personally I think it would be worse for you to notice and do nothing about it.

Work is work, whatever really. But a long-term break up, CBT therapy, this time of year being rough for people, just look out for her.

You don't necessarily have to go straight into it with her. Just make her aware you're there to talk to and she might come to you with it anyway.

Similar to this.

 

[Rita_Poon]

Got (another ) bit of a crap situation at work

Me and a few others think that the person the same level as me, who I guess you could say I share a job with, is drinking a fair bit at lunch or during work. The people who notice drink, and we have a pint/wine together at lunch quite often. But I mean like when WFH calling us and slurring words, forgetting what she said, repeating stuff etc. and in work you can def smell it if you are suspicious

It's happened before with her, when she found out she couldn't have kids (I was the only person she told outside of her family initially). Work found out and supported her through it, although I can't imagine they will be as accommodating this time - this time she split from her partner of 17 years

I probably do class her as a friend, I was invited to her wedding and the only person/couple from work to be invited and she tells me a lot of things that her proper friends don't know

She has had depression before and is currently going though CBT

If what we suspect is going on, I reckon she'll be caught in the next few weeks as it seems to have ramped up a lot

So, do I mention something to her even though I don't have 100% proof? It could go very badly if I am right or not

Or do I just not say anything as it's not really my business to do so?

I don't really care about work going wrong, I can deal with that myself - I just don't want her to lose her job etc

First Christmas in nearly two decades 'on her own'.
The scars of depression stick, it's very easy to travel down a negative path that you've been down before. It becomes consuming and in some cases wallowing. Sometimes CBT can be quite painful, and if she's carrying the kids issue around with her like a ball and chain its steadily exhausting her. Previous turns to alcohol often lead to reoccurrences, it's a negative means of control in that doing something, anything, is better than doing nothing and still feeling crap.
Do you share a line manager? And if so what are they like?

There is a way to gently address your concern, but it depends on if you can walk on egg shells well enough by talking around it.
"I'm concerned for a friend who I think is suffering quite a bit and I don't know if I should ask them how they are coping or not as it looks like they're struggling, and by the sounds of it it's effecting them in work as well"
That might be soft enough for her to encourage her to cough it up, but again, you know her, and the best intentions pave the way to hell. You have to evaluate her as a colleague and what the fallout could be as well as any knock on effect long term in work.

[On a side note, and this is not taking the pish, with the cloud over your recent Christmas party stuff with a certain other lady and the rebuffing of the interest, do you find you get on very well with the ladies in work as appears evidenced in the case above? You seem quite personally involved with your colleagues is all.]

 

[coollino]

First Christmas in nearly two decades 'on her own'.
The scars of depression stick, it's very easy to travel down a negative path that you've been down before. It becomes consuming and in some cases wallowing. Sometimes CBT can be quite painful, and if she's carrying the kids issue around with her like a ball and chain its steadily exhausting her. Previous turns to alcohol often lead to reoccurrences, it's a negative means of control in that doing something, anything, is better than doing nothing and still feeling crap.
Do you share a line manager? And if so what are they like?

There is a way to gently address your concern, but it depends on if you can walk on egg shells well enough by talking around it.
"I'm concerned for a friend who I think is suffering quite a bit and I don't know if I should ask them how they are coping or not as it looks like they're struggling, and by the sounds of it it's effecting them in work as well"
That might be soft enough for her to encourage her to cough it up, but again, you know her, and the best intentions pave the way to hell. You have to evaluate her as a colleague and what the fallout could be as well as any knock on effect long term in work.

[On a side note, and this is not taking the pish, with the cloud over your recent Christmas party stuff with a certain other lady and the rebuffing of the interest, do you find you get on very well with the ladies in work as appears evidenced in the case above? You seem quite personally involved with your colleagues is all.]

Aha! I'll get back to the rest in a bit when I have some time. But nah, I'm not an office flirt . The thought would fill me with dread. I spend all day trying to act like peep show Mark tbh

In short, I work with a lot of scientists who have the personality of a brick so I think being able to look at the other sex in the eye pretty much makes you a hunk

I'm just friends with people, I don't care about their gender and not does my gf. She has plenty male friends and thats healthy (to us). To the point where she has even been to strip clubs with her mates when I have been sat at home on my own. I'm not sure I could in a relationship when I am only allowed male friends

But no, she knows my gf well, we used to go to the pub a lot together and my gf had various miscarriages too so they used to speak without me being there

 

[Rita_Poon]

Aha! I'll get back to the rest in a bit when I have some time. But nah, I'm not an office flirt . The thought would fill me with dread. I spend all day trying to act like peep show Mark tbh

In short, I work with a lot of scientists who have the personality of a brick so I think being able to look at the other sex in the eye pretty much makes you a hunk

I'm just friends with people, I don't care about their gender and not does my gf. She has plenty male friends and thats healthy (to us). To the point where she has even been to strip clubs with her mates when I have been sat at home on my own. I'm not sure I could in a relationship when I am only allowed male friends

But no, she knows my gf well, we used to go to the pub a lot together and my gf had various miscarriages too so they used to speak without me being there

That last line pulled the rug from under me. Hence the sad face. Bit more difficult to analyse the rest in light of that, so firstly, I'm very sorry you both went through the trauma of miscarriages, I can't imagine the loss.
Re the above. There was no mention of 'office flirt'
I actually had agony aunt in mind (I realise it's uncle in your case, but the classic terms best). [I should be more familiar with peep show Mark, but I'm not atm].
Then you've followed up with 'hunk'. hmmm. It's saturday post everton nightmare, I reckon your typing quick and a few shandy's in. Heart of the matter is your concern for your colleague. Gently gently method? Who was key to her support when the previous occurrence happened? Is that care in the workplace still applicable? [your mention of certain others involvement in some chatter seems to lead to them not being involved on the caring side of things, do you have vultures sniping in work?]

 

[coollino]

That last line pulled the rug from under me. Hence the sad face. Bit more difficult to analyse the rest in light of that, so firstly, I'm very sorry you both went through the trauma of miscarriages, I can't imagine the loss.
Re the above. There was no mention of 'office flirt'
I actually had agony aunt in mind (I realise it's uncle in your case, but the classic terms best). [I should be more familiar with peep show Mark, but I'm not atm].
Then you've followed up with 'hunk'. hmmm. It's saturday post everton nightmare, I reckon your typing quick and a few shandy's in. Heart of the matter is your concern for your colleague. Gently gently method? Who was key to her support when the previous occurrence happened? Is that care in the workplace still applicable? [your mention of certain others involvement in some chatter seems to lead to them not being involved on the caring side of things, do you have vultures sniping in work?]

cheers, yeah it was a crap time but we finally had a kid third time of trying - which we didn't expect at all.

yes, i was typing very quickly tbh but i'm on my laptop now. I meant mark corrigan from the peep show.

regarding support - the place is a lot more toxic now in my opinion, the mood of the company is loads worse than it was in 2019. plus the newer office open plan, and people moan to HR even about talking so i think it could be a recipe for disaster. i don't think she'll get another chance. the head of HR is the same, and she is really nice but i think it would end up going higher up than her... and they aren't as nice. from what I heard, it was the head of HR who basically saved her job last time

we do share a line manager. i'm very much on the fence on whether i should mention it to him. he was very much a company man, but with how the company has got worse for caring for people recently - he isn't as much any more but i still cannot work out which way he should go. my best bet might be the HR manager. But sadly, i don't trust anyone higher up than me anymore -i'm not even fully sure with her

last time she was on the phone to me like this, and i think she sounded very drunk, she text me the next day apologising and saying she had a panic attack (she was signed off for a month after that). but it has happened to me more than once now so i'm not 100% sure she was having one when on the phone, or it could be both. i have no idea why she calls people when she is WFH and drunk, but it seems a common thing - which makes me think she must be more than a bit tipsy. i did wonder if it was the start of meds but she said she has done her best to avoid them

i have recently asked how she was doing in person, when it was just us two, and she said ok but she didn't seem great - but obv i can't push her on her answers

i'm sure the issues would be much, much worse if i ignored it so maybe i just have to take the risk and speak to her. even if i'm wrong, i hope she can see where i am coming from

 

[Rita_Poon]

First Christmas in nearly two decades 'on her own'.
The scars of depression stick, it's very easy to travel down a negative path that you've been down before. It becomes consuming and in some cases wallowing. Sometimes CBT can be quite painful, and if she's carrying the kids issue around with her like a ball and chain its steadily exhausting her. Previous turns to alcohol often lead to reoccurrences, it's a negative means of control in that doing something, anything, is better than doing nothing and still feeling crap.
Do you share a line manager? And if so what are they like?

There is a way to gently address your concern, but it depends on if you can walk on egg shells well enough by talking around it.
"I'm concerned for a friend who I think is suffering quite a bit and I don't know if I should ask them how they are coping or not as it looks like they're struggling, and by the sounds of it it's effecting them in work as well"
That might be soft enough for her to encourage her to cough it up, but again, you know her, and the best intentions pave the way to hell. You have to evaluate her as a colleague and what the fallout could be as well as any knock on effect long term in work.

[On a side note, and this is not taking the pish, with the cloud over your recent Christmas party stuff with a certain other lady and the rebuffing of the interest, do you find you get on very well with the ladies in work as appears evidenced in the case above? You seem quite personally involved with your colleagues is all.]

Possibly the least direct path? Softly softly. You flesh out your concern without laying any blame. Bad that the company has become more toxic, workers that feel valued contribute more honestly and buy into the general direction of the work. Tough call.

 

[Armaghtoffee]

Got (another ) bit of a crap situation at work

Me and a few others think that the person the same level as me, who I guess you could say I share a job with, is drinking a fair bit at lunch or during work. The people who notice drink, and we have a pint/wine together at lunch quite often. But I mean like when WFH calling us and slurring words, forgetting what she said, repeating stuff etc. and in work you can def smell it if you are suspicious

It's happened before with her, when she found out she couldn't have kids (I was the only person she told outside of her family initially). Work found out and supported her through it, although I can't imagine they will be as accommodating this time - this time she split from her partner of 17 years

I probably do class her as a friend, I was invited to her wedding and the only person/couple from work to be invited and she tells me a lot of things that her proper friends don't know

She has had depression before and is currently going though CBT

If what we suspect is going on, I reckon she'll be caught in the next few weeks as it seems to have ramped up a lot

So, do I mention something to her even though I don't have 100% proof? It could go very badly if I am right or not

Or do I just not say anything as it's not really my business to do so?

I don't really care about work going wrong, I can deal with that myself - I just don't want her to lose her job etc

Say to her mate.

She is in a spiral and your arm around the shoulder that ‘you had a drink last night’ is a gentle nudge that it’s noticed. Make a joke of it but hopefully it sparks a conversation.

 

[Spadge Vernacular]

Although theme of this message is about his battles with addiction, the core of the message is important amd seems fitting for here.

 

[StHelensBlue]

Or both

Well, psychopaths are pathological liars.

Has anybody here manage to successfully quit drinking?

And if so, how?

It's been a bit out of hand for me lately and it's a path i really don't want to go down

For me, it was about 10 years ago. I wouldn't say I was drinking every night, but it was a few times a week and I'd get drunk. Anyhow, my wife threatened to kick

This is actually a good read. There are no quick fixes, no affirmations that will make this stuff go away. Our inner critic goes through our inner personal files and picks out where our weaknesses are. Then we lash ourselves over it. Nobody really knows why we give ourselves such a hard time over issues that others would find trivial.

The biggest battle we have, is the battle with ourselves. I've definitely overthought things in my life, which crippled me. I've underachieved in a previous career, as I didn't think I was good enough or that I'd get slagged off for feeling. It takes time, but you can get over this.

 

[matty1878]

hope everyone on here has a healthy new year

 

[Spotty]

From the sounds of it you can't need 100% proof to know what's going on? Sounds like more than just a hunch.

If you deem her a friend then say something to her privately.

Wouldn't you talk to your out-of-work friends if you were worried about their wellbeing? (not their job security)

Got (another ) bit of a crap situation at work

Me and a few others think that the person the same level as me, who I guess you could say I share a job with, is drinking a fair bit at lunch or during work. The people who notice drink, and we have a pint/wine together at lunch quite often. But I mean like when WFH calling us and slurring words, forgetting what she said, repeating stuff etc. and in work you can def smell it if you are suspicious

It's happened before with her, when she found out she couldn't have kids (I was the only person she told outside of her family initially). Work found out and supported her through it, although I can't imagine they will be as accommodating this time - this time she split from her partner of 17 years

I probably do class her as a friend, I was invited to her wedding and the only person/couple from work to be invited and she tells me a lot of things that her proper friends don't know

She has had depression before and is currently going though CBT

If what we suspect is going on, I reckon she'll be caught in the next few weeks as it seems to have ramped up a lot

So, do I mention something to her even though I don't have 100% proof? It could go very badly if I am right or not

Or do I just not say anything as it's not really my business to do so?

I don't really care about work going wrong, I can deal with that myself - I just don't want her to lose her job etc

 

[Spotty]

Got (another ) bit of a crap situation at work

Me and a few others think that the person the same level as me, who I guess you could say I share a job with, is drinking a fair bit at lunch or during work. The people who notice drink, and we have a pint/wine together at lunch quite often. But I mean like when WFH calling us and slurring words, forgetting what she said, repeating stuff etc. and in work you can def smell it if you are suspicious

It's happened before with her, when she found out she couldn't have kids (I was the only person she told outside of her family initially). Work found out and supported her through it, although I can't imagine they will be as accommodating this time - this time she split from her partner of 17 years

I probably do class her as a friend, I was invited to her wedding and the only person/couple from work to be invited and she tells me a lot of things that her proper friends don't know

She has had depression before and is currently going though CBT

If what we suspect is going on, I reckon she'll be caught in the next few weeks as it seems to have ramped up a lot

So, do I mention something to her even though I don't have 100% proof? It could go very badly if I am right or not

Or do I just not say anything as it's not really my business to do so?

I don't really care about work going wrong, I can deal with that myself - I just don't want her to lose her job etc

I would approach her and sensitively leg her know her drinking is being noticed, you're concerned, and you want to help. She has a lot going on - CBT and not being able to have children - however you don't know what she's experiencing. CBT has a great evidence base - it works - but it's a short term intervention. Her problems may be more entrenched. For example experiencing trauma as a child would require on going therapy. I and you are guessing bud but you're first step should be informing her you've noticed. If you're up to it, offer her support. As a mental health professional I'd be concerned for her well being and whilst it doesn't " appear " to be a crisis, ig wouldn't be a stretch to see her situation deteriorating.

Speak to the Lady first, encourage her to get support. I would also sensitively say that you're prepared to take it further as far as work is concerned. By doing so you may help her keep her job. Hopefully work would be supportive. The poor women is struggling and it's admirable you want to help. But first step, speak to her and see what she says. It may be a God's send for her. Take care bud and well done

 

[blue to the bone]