Very few bullies make anything of their lives...unless they end up on the opposing side of the spectrum because they come up against someone stronger (not necessarily a bully in their own mould) or because they simply grow up and become more introspective and realise what assholes they were when younger. It's part of maturing but doesn't make it any easier for their 'victims'.
Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues
- Thread starter Groucho
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BiggyRat
Player Valuation: £35m
Terrific news! I was wondering how you went.
Yes. Hold on to the moment where it dissipated & you kicked it into gear on the presentation. Remember it when you start feeling anxious. It may not allay the feeling, but, as a gentle reminder to yourself that it can work out well, it can only help.
I'm one of those "arseholes as a child" that Larbert Toffee is refering to. Professionally and personally one could objectively view my overall life as a "success". Married 37 years, job I love, holiday every year blah blah blah. But I carry around with me a stain on my soul from childhood. I used to join in the bullying of a pupil in school. I wasn't the only one but that frankly is pathetic. I joined in and took an active part in his bullying. He did smell, his clothes were "tatty" and there a number of other "characteristics" I deemed were worthy of bullying. Throughout the years I have reflected and frankly metaphorically speaking, beat myself up over. But not just a little bit of self loathing, huge great whopping chunks of "I was a complete vile rotten (add expletives) of your own choice. His face is engraved onto my memory, as his home address, his physical attributes, what he looked like and how he smelled like and my heart absolutely aches for what I put this quiet, sensitive soul through. I've never forgotten not forgave myself nor do I want these things to come to fruition. My faith, belief in God has at least enabled me to question whether or not I'm worthy of forgiveness. I'm a God fearing man and believe at the time of my passing I will be judged. I believe all of us will be asked "how have you lived your life?". I've said sorry many times and wish I could be contrite in front of him and apologise.
I was just reminded when the topic of bullying came up and have often wondered if my professional calling is more than a little connected to how I treat that young man and how I subconsciously want to make amends by doing "good deeds". Even that feels so self centred and far to introspective. I genuinely believe it's God's way of saying "Terry, you can't do that son and not expect consequences ". What a complete utter arsehole i was. I was very cruel to that boy and I hate myself for it.
I was just reminded when the topic of bullying came up and have often wondered if my professional calling is more than a little connected to how I treat that young man and how I subconsciously want to make amends by doing "good deeds". Even that feels so self centred and far to introspective. I genuinely believe it's God's way of saying "Terry, you can't do that son and not expect consequences ". What a complete utter arsehole i was. I was very cruel to that boy and I hate myself for it.
you’ve tortured yourself for to long
you’ve admitted guilt and i’m sure the
lad has forgotten mate
times a healer don’t beat yourself up
( no pun intended here )
That's the issue bud and thanks for support. With my mental Health Nurse hat on, I fear he has not forgotten and the bullying he was exposed to will have caused lasting psychological mental turmoil. Of course I can't "change"things now but its a stain on my character and me as a person. I hope he has found happiness in his life. I suppose I wanted to gently inform people our actions can sometimes have far reaching ramifications. Thank you for the kind words.
I’d wager that this applies to many of us in one form another.
I know in my secondary school, there were three categories of kids :
The bullies.
The bullied.
The invisible ( the sensible )
Most boys will always try and run with the bullies, out of the fear of being bullied themselves.
Without going all Darwin, young animals bully their weaker siblings too.
To me it’s an inbuilt and subconscious survival instinct - Lord of the Flies.
It was also the way the school system was then too, a pecking order that was encouraged on the sly.
Plus if your dad was anything like mine, you were expected to be one of the “ top boys “ and that included bullying others.
From my experience as a parent, things seem to have changed massively, as I know in the schools that both of my lads went to, there was a zero bullying policy and any suggestion of it was quickly stamped on before it took root.
As much as I know you bitterly regret what you did, there’s quite a bit more too it, than “ I was a bully “
This, however, it doesn't negate "I was a bully". It STILL bothers me COYBL, and although its not something I'm fixated or pre occupied about, its never too far away. Use my experiences on the subject as something people may learn from.
Well done. I missed the chance to make a timely reply to your original post so I'm very happy that it all went well. You must feel very proud of yourself - and deservedly so.
I’m new on here and saw this post and just wanted to say that I’m a professional counsellor and I think you would benefit from counselling mate. You are self aware but the self loathing is stopping you enjoying life. There’s no good anyone telling you not to beat yourself up as only you can stop this.
Please speak to a counsellor. There will also be a lot more to this than what you go in to talk about.
Good luck.
PKwalnuts
Player Valuation: £15m
Finished 14 sessions recently of NHS appointed therapy, and it has been hard but worth while. I've learnt loads about how to adjust my reactions to things, and although everyday has it's moments that are challenging, it has been so beneficial to learn a little bit more about why I am like I am and what I can do to be better. Trauma responses are tough to get control of. I'm not there et, and Ive only dipped my toe in the water of a lifetime of ongoing recovery. I self referred, I waited and then despite the imposter syndrome, and guilt of taking a place of someone who may really need it, as I was doing OK, I committed and I've really been helped by a proffesional and it's such a weight off. I'm doing miles better. If you are struggling with anything from your past, or anxious about your future, talk to someone, get help, there's trained people who will support you to make sense of things, if you take that step. Those that have already, have attested on previous pages and inspired me to try. Thanks to them, truly grateful, and hopefully this does the same.
Thanks bud, I'm on top it. Self loathing in terms of accepting and having the insight to recognise that it's an episode of my life I'm thoroughly ashamed of. I've talked about it in Supervision at work and spoke to the children I work with about. (I was happy to and thought it appropriate to disclose it). I have a Counselling qualification myself and fully accept and respect your thoughtful suggestion though. I tend to "subscribe" to me thinking and reflecting about it as a way of penance for my bullying. My wife very bluntly says "you're getting paid back Terry", although I would never view it in such "retrubutary " terms as "being paid back", especially professionally. Thanks for support bud.
dachshund
Player Valuation: £5m
You've obviously changed your ways and done a lot of good.
While I might carry some damage from the bullying still, I have forgiven those who did it. Because there is no point in carrying that anger and hatred. Neither should you have to carry hatred for and anger at yourself. Hope you can find some peace eventually
It's people like you as I have said many times that makes my work and yes, life worthwhile. God bless
Last night I finally bit the bullet and told him I will not be his best man and that's he's making a mistake by rushing into this whole marriage idea. He's of course reacted badly and I think that's likely it for our friendship.
We have hardly spoken the last couple of months. I've had things to contend with like my health battles and changing jobs. He's been doing whatever he's been doing. Then he messaged me last night, and he asked if I've been working on my speech? That really P'd me off, he hasn't been checking in with me to ask how I've been doing, hasn't told me anything about how the plans for the day itself, nor has he even sent out any official wedding invitations. It's supposed to be happening in 3 weeks! And I'm supposed to be his best man.
I replied with I don't know what kind of speech he is expecting since I barely know his bride-to-be (I've met her once) and the whole wedding is being so rushed. He said "just talk about how long we've known each other and how you wish us loads of success". I sort of lost my rag and just let him have it. Said I won't say any such thing because I'd feel ridiculous, that I barely know this person he wants me to least dveryone blessing, that the whole idea IMO is a mistake, and that he needs to ask someone else.
Without being whinger I have enough of my own problems at the moment than to be dealing with this nonsense delusion that he wants to pull me into.
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coollino
Player Valuation: £80m
He may have reacted badly as he knows you are right
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