Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
Bluesaint
Player Valuation: £5m
And when one of them goes on holiday who takes over? The hip replacement guy!
gonetomorrow
Player Valuation: £70m
Classroom: Sir? Would you punish a pupil for something he hadn't done?
No of course not.
Good. Because I haven't done my homework.
No of course not.
Good. Because I haven't done my homework.
Swapped our bed for a trampoline the missus hit the roof
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
Donald Trump is meeting the Queen, and he says to her:
“As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
To which the Queen replies. ‘I'm sorry Mr Trump, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
Donald Trump thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?" to which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Trump.”
Trump thought long and hard and came up with, "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little cheesed off by now replied, " Sorry again, Mr Trump, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."
Before Trump could utter another word, the Queen said: "I do however think you're doing quite nicely as a country."
“As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
To which the Queen replies. ‘I'm sorry Mr Trump, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
Donald Trump thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?" to which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Trump.”
Trump thought long and hard and came up with, "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little cheesed off by now replied, " Sorry again, Mr Trump, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."
Before Trump could utter another word, the Queen said: "I do however think you're doing quite nicely as a country."
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
Charles Hawtrey
Player Valuation: £50m
Tried using ‘Beef Stew’ as my laptop password today - wouldn’t accept it... said it wasn’t Stroganoff
Charles Hawtrey
Player Valuation: £50m
I entered ten different puns into an online contest last week. Today I checked to see if i had won but no pun in ten did.
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway outside London; nothing is moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the Members of Parliament and they're asking for a £100 million ransom! Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire; we are going from car to car collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
"Roughly a gallon."
Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the Members of Parliament and they're asking for a £100 million ransom! Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire; we are going from car to car collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
"Roughly a gallon."
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
Russ and Sam, two old friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up.
Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something…
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold -- there sat Russ.
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail' cried Sam. Whatever for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'What about her?'
'Well, the little gold-digging bitch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
One day Russ didn't show up.
Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something…
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold -- there sat Russ.
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail' cried Sam. Whatever for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'What about her?'
'Well, the little gold-digging bitch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
I've just finished my sandwich filling degree.
I do my final eggs ham tomorrow..
I do my final eggs ham tomorrow..
What's the difference between a kangaroo and kangeroot?
One lives in the outback and one's a Geordie stuck in a lift
One lives in the outback and one's a Geordie stuck in a lift
It's my girlfriends 32nd birthday next week. I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."
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