Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
Philw
Player Valuation: £50m
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found that the problem was thick matted hair in its ears. So he cut out the hair, cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the Chemist and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the chemist and gets some 'Nair' hair remover.
At the cash desk the pharmacist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The pharmacist says: "Well in that case stay off your bicycle for at least a week."
He found that the problem was thick matted hair in its ears. So he cut out the hair, cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the Chemist and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the chemist and gets some 'Nair' hair remover.
At the cash desk the pharmacist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The pharmacist says: "Well in that case stay off your bicycle for at least a week."
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
I've asked my girlfriend to polish the chain mail from my medieval uniform.
She always said that she wanted a night in, shining armour.
She always said that she wanted a night in, shining armour.
Convicted hitman Jimmy "Noodles " McClardy confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures.
Police have confirmed this may be the first known case of knick-knack paddy whack.
Police have confirmed this may be the first known case of knick-knack paddy whack.
Luigi was arrested after getting drunk and climbing a lamppost
He was charged with being a high-tiddly-Iti
He was charged with being a high-tiddly-Iti
chrismpw
Player Valuation: £70m
NAG NAG NAG Let's have a lawyer story!!
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
Tramp knocks on the huge door of a well known Welsh former United player.
"Any chance of something to eat mate? I've not eaten for three days".
"Everything you see here I have earned by hard work, that's why I deserve it. But I'm a fair man. There is a gallon of white paint and a brush by my porch at the back of the house. Paint the porch and I will get the cook to knock something up for you".
Half an hour later the tramps is back at the front door.
"That was quick. I'll ring for the cook"
"Just one thing though mate, it wasn't a Porsche, it was a BMW...."
"Any chance of something to eat mate? I've not eaten for three days".
"Everything you see here I have earned by hard work, that's why I deserve it. But I'm a fair man. There is a gallon of white paint and a brush by my porch at the back of the house. Paint the porch and I will get the cook to knock something up for you".
Half an hour later the tramps is back at the front door.
"That was quick. I'll ring for the cook"
"Just one thing though mate, it wasn't a Porsche, it was a BMW...."
toffeejack
Player Valuation: £100m
not a joke but couldn't fine the yew tree thread. So i'm on a course in birmingham atm and was taking a taxi to the course centre and just when i looked out of the window i saw this sign as we drove past the road.
I did have a good chuckle to myself. Until the taxi driver stopped in the middle of nowhere and said here's the hospital :s idiot thought i said i wanted to go to QE (Queen Elizabeth Hospital, not QA.
I don't even have an accent to misunderstand!
I did have a good chuckle to myself. Until the taxi driver stopped in the middle of nowhere and said here's the hospital :s idiot thought i said i wanted to go to QE (Queen Elizabeth Hospital, not QA.
I don't even have an accent to misunderstand!
gonetomorrow
Player Valuation: £70m
What do you call a bear who's missing a paw?
Rupert the Bstard?
Rupert the Bstard?
the Vinester is double ace. UNlike his bro who is pyar kopite.Tim Vine likes this...
tommytowne
Player Valuation: £50m
Didn't know that? Maybe sad to admit it but my conceptions of a person change the instant I find out they are RS.
Particularly in the celebrity world who have no connection with the city so by deduction reckon they are pure glory hunters.
tommytowne
Player Valuation: £50m
Anyway, back on topic .....
A bloke in work speaking to a rather busty lady in accounts, told her that he could tell what day if the week she was born just by fondling her titties.
That's ridiculous she said and challenged him to prove it, so he spent the next 30 seconds having a good old grope.
OK she said, what day of the week was I born?
Yesterday was his reply!
A bloke in work speaking to a rather busty lady in accounts, told her that he could tell what day if the week she was born just by fondling her titties.
That's ridiculous she said and challenged him to prove it, so he spent the next 30 seconds having a good old grope.
OK she said, what day of the week was I born?
Yesterday was his reply!
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