They are all flakes
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's.”
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog killed her, also."
A very touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man answered "Get in Line"
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's.”
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog killed her, also."
A very touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man answered "Get in Line"
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.
Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted, "Mickey Mouse."
'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald, Duck !!"
Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted, "Mickey Mouse."
'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald, Duck !!"
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £80m
All these puns about chocolate where funny but now all they're getting is a ripple of applause
ricardobee
Player Valuation: £35m
i just found a suitcase at the side of the road with 5 puppies in it so I called the RSPCA
"Are they moving?"
I suppose that explains the suitcase
"Are they moving?"
I suppose that explains the suitcase
ricardobee
Player Valuation: £35m
Just burnt my Hawaiian pizza
Should have put it on aloha temperature
Should have put it on aloha temperature
barely a ripple
[Sorry Al, just looked up the page...]
A German driver is pulled over on a Polish motorway.
Polish policeman: "What’s your name, sir?"
German: "Willy Schmidt."
Policeman: "OK. Age?"
Willy: "49."
Policeman: "Occupation?"
Willy: "Oh no, I’m only visiting."
Polish policeman: "What’s your name, sir?"
German: "Willy Schmidt."
Policeman: "OK. Age?"
Willy: "49."
Policeman: "Occupation?"
Willy: "Oh no, I’m only visiting."
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.
"The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job mate, for the first two hours all we do is stand around drinking coffee and scratching our nuts, no need for you to be in for that"
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.
"The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job mate, for the first two hours all we do is stand around drinking coffee and scratching our nuts, no need for you to be in for that"
Had a dream last night I was surrounded by all these beautiful women dressed in orange.
I woke and realised it was just a Fanta-sy.
I woke and realised it was just a Fanta-sy.
Or @ilikecheese !
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