Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[The Esk]

Interesting story about former Torquay United manager Martin Ling, his depression and treatment:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/26647517

 

[GwladysBlue]

OK Gwladys Blue. Well done for coming out on here. Must be a very difficult situation. Stressful too, always being somebody you're not. To have carried that off for so long shows that you have strength.

But I can see that coming out to your family is a gargantuan step for you.

Fact: some family members may judge you negatively if you come out.

But also a fact: they may not. Have you thought about what it would be like to be free of the tension and stress but still loved unconditionally by those close to you?

Not saying that you should def come out.....that has to be your choice. But it's a balanced choice. There are risks and benefits of coming out. There are risks and benefits of staying in the closet.

It is a difficult situation and one of the biggest decision I'll ever make. Staying in the closet is just not an option anymore.

I tried for years to not act on being gay, believing it would be a miserable life. I convinced myself that I could live in the closet and marry a woman and everything would be normal. That wouldn't be fair on me or the woman though.
I met a man that changed my way of thinking, though sadly it ended I'm happy it happened as it confirmed that I could live that life.

I have really good, supportive mates though. I will be coming out, it will be sooner rather than later. It is just about finding the moment to break it to them.

Thanks for the reply. This forum is truly one of the best, considering it is a football forum too.

 

[The Esk]

@GwladysBlue - mate I can only speak of experience in life, like everyone else here I'm not trained in these matters, so maybe this will help, maybe not.

I'm in my 50's and there are a couple of things I know about difficult situations. Firstly, the truth is very important - whatever it is, once it is known then people can deal with it in their own way. Some will accept, others won't - hopefully your family members will (i) because they love you and want you to be happy (ii)they might already suspect the truth anyway and (iii) in this day and age, it's no longer taboo whether you're gay, straight or something in the middle. Ok it might not be what they would like you to be, but so what, it is what you are. Wishful thinking changes nothing.

Secondly, the fear of disclosing something difficult is usually much worse than the act of disclosure. Over the years I have had to tell people things they don't want to hear (although not what you have to say and I know that the best thing is to disclose at the earliest moment you can.

As I say, please don't take my words as from someone who is trained in such matters because I most certainly am not. However in my experience truth and telling the truth at the earliest opportunity always reduces problems in the long term.

Good luck, as @roydo mentioned there is at least one poster on here who is probably best qualified in these matters, not me!

 

[GwladysBlue]

Thank you everybody, it's always nice to get a neutral perspective and acceptance.

Hopefully this will seem like a distant memory soon and I can live the life I want to.

 

[trebilcock66]

@GwladysBlue - mate I can only speak of experience in life, like everyone else here I'm not trained in these matters, so maybe this will help, maybe not.

Secondly, the fear of disclosing something difficult is usually much worse than the act of disclosure. Over the years I have had to tell people things they don't want to hear (although not what you have to say and I know that the best thing is to disclose at the earliest moment you can.

As I say, please don't take my words as from someone who is trained in such matters because I most certainly am not. However in my experience truth and telling the truth at the earliest opportunity always reduces problems in the long term.

Good luck, as @roydo mentioned there is at least one poster on here who is probably best qualified in these matters, not me!

The Esk is spot on there. Once you make the decision, the mist may clear and the problem will not seem so big.

Quick story: one guy who lives in our village was in the closet for years. Worked in the village pub so was known to everyone. When he came out, the most common reaction went something like this....."John's gay? And he thought it was a secret? I always assumed everybody knew." In other words, some of those close to you may suspect already but - like you - are unsure about how to broach it.

I wish you the best whatever you choose to do.

 

[Groucho]

The Esk is spot on there. Once you make the decision, the mist may clear and the problem will not seem so big.

Quick story: one guy who lives in our village was in the closet for years. Worked in the village pub so was known to everyone. When he came out, the most common reaction went something like this....."John's gay? And he thought it was a secret? I always assumed everybody knew." In other words, some of those close to you may suspect already but - like you - are unsure about how to broach it.

I wish you the best whatever you choose to do.

On this note, no one need be afraid to be gay on here. There are plenty of LGBT here. I sincerely hope the following isn't seen as patronising.

I've met a few gay people from here for a pint, they're sound. One knows more about football than me, although he'll disagree.

Quite a pal he is, too.

 

[Clint Planet]

Hi Marnie
That sounds dreadful
Have you been given any help or support to deal with it?

So sorry to hear that, mate. Must be very hard to cope with. I know you'll be struggling with making sense of this devastating event - just remember that it's okay to find it difficult; natural to feel angry and/or hurt.

Talking about it is good. Make sure you talk about i, even if it is just to shout angrily for a while.

 

[Allezfan]

Thanks for the reply. I think when closeted you're more sensitive to the things that get said about gays, especially from family.

Over the years I've heard some horrible things said about gays from close family members and all I could do was sit there and smile.

Yeah, that made me wince, there. Cos, as someone who's been in your position, wow that's pretty familiar.

I'm not going to tell you that no-one is going to react badly if you out yourself because some people will but I do think that a lot of people can have negative things to say about gays on the whole but that wouldn't carry over to a homosexual who they already love and have a close relationship with.

I wish you all the best mate, is all I can say. My thoughts are with you.

And honestly knowing which people will accept you totally and which won't isn't a bad thing.

 

[Woolly Blue]

Thanks for the reply. I think when closeted you're more sensitive to the things that get said about gays, especially from family.

Over the years I've heard some horrible things said about gays from close family members and all I could do was sit there and smile.

I want to come out, I need to come out. I've pumped myself up numerous times 'Just go in and tell them' then the fear grips me and I can't do it. I know they wouldn't want a gay son, I don't think anybody would but I know they need to know because carrying this burden is not possible for the rest of my life. I'm just terrified of rejection or for them to be ashamed of me.

Mate, I can't speak for your parents, but if our lad told us he was gay it wouldn't make the slightest difference to the way we feel about him. You love your kids unconditionally, well, unless they're kopites, that would be hard to deal with.

 

[Chang Elephant]

Mate, I can't speak for your parents, but if our lad told us he was gay it wouldn't make the slightest difference to the way we feel about him. You love your kids unconditionally, well, unless they're kopites, that would be hard to deal with.

So true

 

[GwladysBlue]

Yeah, that made me wince, there. Cos, as someone who's been in your position, wow that's pretty familiar.

I'm not going to tell you that no-one is going to react badly if you out yourself because some people will but I do think that a lot of people can have negative things to say about gays on the whole but that wouldn't carry over to a homosexual who they already love and have a close relationship with.

I wish you all the best mate, is all I can say. My thoughts are with you.

And honestly knowing which people will accept you totally and which won't isn't a bad thing.

Thank you for this and again to everybody else, it is very much appreciated. I hope it all worked out for you too.

I suppose there will be the initial transition period, I don't expect to be welcomed with open arms by everybody but I'm at a point now in my life where I think it is nobody else's business but my own. I think everybody owes it to themselves to try to be as happy as possible.

I am most definitely not a Kopite though so I suppose that should make up for everything else.

 

[wbn61]

well i'll be getting ready to set of for the game in a hour. i'm pretty apprehensive and a bit scared. it seems a long time since I've been away from the house for a long period of time. even getting 2nd thoughts about going but I know that's silly and my son will be there to look after me.

 

[trebilcock66]

well i'll be getting ready to set of for the game in a hour. i'm pretty apprehensive and a bit scared. it seems a long time since I've been away from the house for a long period of time. even getting 2nd thoughts about going but I know that's silly and my son will be there to look after me.

Good luck. Enjoy the game - whatever the result. And if you cope alright (as you probably will) congratulate yourself on a hurdle overcome.

 

[The Esk]

well i'll be getting ready to set of for the game in a hour. i'm pretty apprehensive and a bit scared. it seems a long time since I've been away from the house for a long period of time. even getting 2nd thoughts about going but I know that's silly and my son will be there to look after me.

Mate you are leaving your house but going home.

Hope you have a great day.

 

[Woolly Blue]

Thank you for this and again to everybody else, it is very much appreciated. I hope it all worked out for you too.

I suppose there will be the initial transition period, I don't expect to be welcomed with open arms by everybody but I'm at a point now in my life where I think it is nobody else's business but my own. I think everybody owes it to themselves to try to be as happy as possible.

I am most definitely not a Kopite though so I suppose that should make up for everything else.

It's been said before, but it's very rarely a surprise to people when someone comes out. Off-hand, of the dozen or so folk I know that have come out, only one of them came as a surprise. All the rest, it was more a case "oh aye, fair enough, kind of presumed you were anyway". It's easy for me to say it's no big think like, it's not a situation I've ever had to deal with it and I don't know your background but AF nailed it with "And honestly knowing which people will accept you totally and which won't isn't a bad thing."

well i'll be getting ready to set of for the game in a hour. i'm pretty apprehensive and a bit scared. it seems a long time since I've been away from the house for a long period of time. even getting 2nd thoughts about going but I know that's silly and my son will be there to look after me.

You're just going out to spend the afternoon with your extended Evertonian family mate. Little steps and all that.