I put the will in because I want it to get on Newsnow to annoy the less patriotic among us.
You may have noticed that England haven't won anything for a very long time. Longer than Blanco – that fat homeless mexican striker – has been alive (just). 44 years is long enough, and I can think of several reasons why this summer should see the end of the wait for thousands of red faced, slightly bloated, angry englishmen (and women).
Some clear reasons why England will lift the cup in July.
Wayne Rooney
In the form of his life – apart from the last few weeks, when he was blatantly running at 50% to prevent injury, which nearly backfired. He's immensely important to the team – if he doesn't play, then England have no chance. Adversely if he does, then they have as much chance as anyone.
Fabio Capello
Capello treats his players like children, which is precisely where previous regimes went wrong – the spoilt idiots need to be told what to do and when to do it. His superior tactics and experience give the team an edge that they haven't had since.... erm... Graham Taylor... No, since Venables.
Climate
Ironically for a tournament held in Africa it should actually suit England - who struggled in the heat of the past few tournaments - being winter the climate will be similar to a balmy english spring.
Less pressure
With England being largely rubbish for the last 600 years their supporters have become accustomed to it. Sure, there will be the usual red-top hype and flag flapping out of car windows but nobody really expects them to win.
Top teams faltering
Germany's only good player got injured. Italy are old and more interested in bumming each other. Spain have their injury problems. Maradona is clearly mental and will probably get his team going on to the field with pitchforks or something. Portugal are probably rubbish too. At least a couple of those will fail to make it through the group stage, all the better for England.
Heskey probably won't go
He can't score. He can't get a game at club level. He can't get on the plane to South Africa. Surely? If he goes then the English may as well all paint their heads blue and support Honduras.
Penalties
Apparently Capello has 'sorted them out'. Which probably means they have actually ******* practiced them this time.
Still even if the worst happens when it does go to penalties and they go out, there's every chance it will be that fat-haired diving twunt that will miss the crucial kick.
And we can lead the witch-hunt
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