Not Safe For Work! Spurty's Newsround

[SpurtingLesbian]

http://metro.co.uk/2012/10/28/army-of-nazi-raccoons-force-germans-to-admit-defeat-609094/

Army of Nazi raccoons force Germans to admit defeat​

Raccoons introduced by the Nazis have officially occupied Germany after experts admitted they are there to stay.
The north American invaders – freed in the wild on the orders of Luftwaffe chief Hermann Goering – broke into houses at the weekend as they sought food and shelter in cold weather.
As homeowners complained about furniture being ripped to make cosy nests, the German Hunting Federation said the mammals will never be ousted.
‘The raccoon is firmly established in Germany, this has to be accepted,’ said spokesman Daniel Hoffman.
Magnus Wessel, head of the conservation department at Friends of the Earth Germany, said: ‘Limiting their numbers is pretty much all that can be done.’
Raccoons, which German pest controllers say now number in the millions, often choose to live under houses as they feel safe from predators and can steal food from the bins.
As the cold conditions hit, a couple arrived back from holiday to find one of the animals had climbed down the chimney and eaten all the food in their cupboards in Spessart, Hesse.
A raccoon chased off a cat after breaking in through its flap, eating a packet of biscuits and ripping up a cushion for a nest at a home in Kaiserslautern.
Goering ordered the release of a breeding pair of raccoons when he was the Third Reich’s chief forester in 1934, to give hunters something to shoot.
More got out in 1945 when an Allied bomb hit a farm where they were being reared for their pelts.

 

[TheFinnFan]

Army of Nazi raccoons force Germans to admit defeat​

Raccoons introduced by the Nazis have officially occupied Germany after experts admitted they are there to stay.
The north American invaders – freed in the wild on the orders of Luftwaffe chief Hermann Goering – broke into houses at the weekend as they sought food and shelter in cold weather.
As homeowners complained about furniture being ripped to make cosy nests, the German Hunting Federation said the mammals will never be ousted.
‘The raccoon is firmly established in Germany, this has to be accepted,’ said spokesman Daniel Hoffman.
Magnus Wessel, head of the conservation department at Friends of the Earth Germany, said: ‘Limiting their numbers is pretty much all that can be done.’
Raccoons, which German pest controllers say now number in the millions, often choose to live under houses as they feel safe from predators and can steal food from the bins.
As the cold conditions hit, a couple arrived back from holiday to find one of the animals had climbed down the chimney and eaten all the food in their cupboards in Spessart, Hesse.
A raccoon chased off a cat after breaking in through its flap, eating a packet of biscuits and ripping up a cushion for a nest at a home in Kaiserslautern.
Goering ordered the release of a breeding pair of raccoons when he was the Third Reich’s chief forester in 1934, to give hunters something to shoot.
More got out in 1945 when an Allied bomb hit a farm where they were being reared for their pelts.

their leader i suppose

 

[SpurtingLesbian]

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2015/12/09/navys_new_ship_sets_sail/?mt=1449692195910

US Navy's newest ship sets sail with Captain James Kirk at the bridge

The stealthy Zumwalt looks like a giant iPhone battery case

​

The US Navy's largest destroyer has finally set sail. And at its helm is Captain James Kirk.
The USS Zumwalt, named after Admiral Elmo Zumwalt, has embarked on its first open ocean trials after eight years of construction.
The $4bn Zumwalt is at the cutting edge of technology and will be the first of three in its class (originally there were going to be 32*). It looks like a cubist painting of a warship, or maybe the iPhone battery case of ships.
The joy of having Captain James A. Kirk (sorry, not a "T.") in charge has not been missed by the USN, with actor William Shatner even sending a signed photo of himself wishing the team god speed.

​

The Zumwalt is expected to cover a wide range of roles, both at sea and near land. It has a comparatively small crew of 158 thanks to its extensive automation (although not as few as the ACTUV drone ship).
The main focus of the Zumwalt's sea trials will be its stability: its gentle sloping sides are good for minimising its radar signature (USN press releases claim the 15,000-ton destroyer shows up on radar as the size of a fishing boat) but not as good for staying upright without computer assistance.

 

[TheFinnFan]

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2015/12/09/navys_new_ship_sets_sail/?mt=1449692195910

US Navy's newest ship sets sail with Captain James Kirk at the bridge

The stealthy Zumwalt looks like a giant iPhone battery case

​

The US Navy's largest destroyer has finally set sail. And at its helm is Captain James Kirk.
The USS Zumwalt, named after Admiral Elmo Zumwalt, has embarked on its first open ocean trials after eight years of construction.
The $4bn Zumwalt is at the cutting edge of technology and will be the first of three in its class (originally there were going to be 32*). It looks like a cubist painting of a warship, or maybe the iPhone battery case of ships.
The joy of having Captain James A. Kirk (sorry, not a "T.") in charge has not been missed by the USN, with actor William Shatner even sending a signed photo of himself wishing the team god speed.

​

The Zumwalt is expected to cover a wide range of roles, both at sea and near land. It has a comparatively small crew of 158 thanks to its extensive automation (although not as few as the ACTUV drone ship).
The main focus of the Zumwalt's sea trials will be its stability: its gentle sloping sides are good for minimising its radar signature (USN press releases claim the 15,000-ton destroyer shows up on radar as the size of a fishing boat) but not as good for staying upright without computer assistance.

that is....amazing.

 

[SpurtingLesbian]

Man dies during sex with scarecrow he dressed in lipstick and long-haired wig
The rotting remains of Jose Alberto, whose neighbours said was a loner, were found in his home

A man was found dead in his home after having sex with a scarecrow that he had dressed up in a wig, lipstick and strap-on sex toy.

The rotting remains of Jose Alberto were discovered in his home after neighbours reported a foul smell coming from the building.
Police forced their way into the home in San Jose de Balcare, eastern Argentina, and were stunned to discover the 58-year-old shepherd lying dead.
Next to him lay a scarecrow that had been dressed up as a woman - but wearing astrap-on sex toy.
Rodolfo Moure, a spokesman for the prosecutor, said: "I initially thought there were two bodies but then I realised one was a scarecrow wearing lipstick and a long-haired wig.
"It was lying next to the deceased and had a six-inch strap-on penis.
"There were no signs of violence and we are working on the assumption that the man died during sex with the scarecrow.
"Straw had been stuffed inside the old clothes that had been sewn together to make the scarecrow.
"We are now waiting the results of an autopsy.”

Neighbours said the man, who was known to live alone and had no mobile phone, was often seen as a loner.

 

[Philw]

It has a comparatively small crew of 158 thanks to its extensive automation (although not as few as the ACTUV drone ship).
The main focus of the Zumwalt's sea trials will be its stability: its gentle sloping sides are .... not as good for staying upright without computer assistance.

So basically they stuck 158 ppl in it to see if it floats? Sign me up for that trip!!

 

[SpurtingLesbian]

All hail Magneto!!!!



Boy who suffered powerful electric shock claims he now has 'superpowers' like X-Men's Magneto as metal objects stick to him

• Russian schoolboy claims to have powers like X-Men's Magneto
• He got up one morning as a human magnet following electric shock
• When he woke up, he realised coins had stuck to his body overnight
• Nikolai Kryaglyachenko now wants to be a superhero when he's older

A schoolboy who was almost killed when knocked out by a massive electric shock now claims the accident gave him superpowers like those of X-Men's Magneto.
Nikolai Kryaglyachenko, 12, had been walking home after school when he lent briefly against a lamp post that was live from a faulty wire, and was blasted across the pavement.
He said: 'When I came round I felt groggy but managed to get home and told my mum what had happened.

He said: 'I can do things I couldn't do before, but I don't have a lot of control over it. Even when I do not want to do it, I still attract things. Once I even attracted a glass - it just moved towards me.'
Nikolai added that he has now decided he wants to be a superhero when he is older, saying that he would want to do something that helped people.
He has also found himself one of the most popular boys at school with many of his classmates asking him to demonstrate his superpowers.
Stories about 'living magnets' began to appear at least in the middle of the 19th century.

Nikolai pictured with his classmates, who he says constantly ask him to show off his new 'superpower'

Factory worker Leonid Tenkaev pictured in 2004. He claimed to have obtained the ability to attract metal objects following the Chernobyl nuclear disaster
In 2004, the story of a Russian factory worker Leonid Tenkaev and his family received extensive media coverage when he appeared to obtain the ability to attract objects after the Chernobyl nuclear disaster.
Although people who have the ability to attract metal items are commonly referred to as 'magnets', many of them can also hold plastic, glass, wood and paper items on their body.
Only some of them develop a 'preference' for a particular material.
In 1990, as many as 300 'living magnets' gathered for a conference in Sofia, the capital of Bulgaria, after young woman Marinela Brankova demonstrated her amazing ability on TV. The woman could hold 7kg of metal on a vertical palm.
Scientists say however that rather than people being magnetic, it is probably nothing more than unusually sticky skin.

 

[SpurtingLesbian]

The President of Croatia Doesn’t Seem to Care That This Man’s Pants Fell Down During a Photo-Op

​

On any given day, there’s a lengthy list of things normal people have reason to be afraid will happen to them. It’s entirely possible, for example, someone could innocently sleep through their alarm before an important meeting, or call an acquaintance they know pretty well by the wrong name, or accidentally hit reply all to an office-wide email.
And then there are the nearly impossible-to-predict scenarios that usually only happen in cartoons, like when a character slips on a banana peel, or forgets to get dressed before going to school, or has their pants fall down while receiving an award from their country’s president.
Oh, wait. That last one actually happened Tuesday when Ivan Zvonimir Cicak, who heads the Croatian Helsinki Committee for Human Rights, was being honored for his work. Cicak did not appear to be wearing a belt while posing for a photo-op with Croatian President Kolinda Grabar-Kitarovic.
Luckily, Grabar-Kitarovic presented Cicak with an award that was large enough to protect him from too much major embarrassment.
And the head of state — Croatia’s first female president — barely acknowledged the mishap, offering only a slight downward glance as Cicak stooped down and pulled up his slacks.

​

 

[SpurtingLesbian]

http://www.theguardian.com/healthcare-network/2015/aug/20/removed-toy-dinosaur-womans-vagina

The day I removed a toy dinosaur from a woman's vagina

At first I thought my patient had a bad case of thrush. How wrong I was

‘I don’t advise inserting children’s toys during sexual activity ...​

As student nurses, we pick one of our second-year placements and are advised to go into an area that interests us most. I chose to do a five-week stint in a sexual health clinic. Sexual health clinics are magical places where surprises spring from the walls. I once walked into work to find an aggressive looking – but lovely – nurse loudly spelling the word “gonorrhoea” down the phone while slurping white hot chocolate from a mug with the c-word on it. All before 7.30am.
I made particular friends with a doctor – we’ll call him Dr Ray. He was a genial Nigerian man who possessed the sense of abandon that could only arise from being a married religious professional who has seen more vaginas than Charlemagne. Dr Ray asked me to lead a couple of his appointments; he had a ton of paperwork to get through and was faced with getting it done or actually seeing his patients (thank you NHS management). He suggests an apparent win-win situation: we both sit in the consulting room, I leading the appointments and he sitting in the corner, quietly knuckling down to his paperwork but on hand should I need him.
I am chuffed – I’m still a student, I’ve never run a clinic before and it’s great experience. We carefully select my first ever patient, paying particular attention to the age and gender. She’s middle-aged, which would suggest she’s unlikely to have anything particularly unusual going on. Pompously, I walk into the waiting room and call her name. As she gets up and walks over, I notice a peculiar gait: “Thrush” I think, “She’s clearly got a really nasty bout of thrush.” Other than the hobble, she looks entirely normal.
Once in the room, I explain who I am, who Dr Ray is, and how we will go about things. I ask her about her sexual history, whether she has children etc. She tells me in a clipped accent that she’s been married for 20 years and has young children. She hasn’t slept with anybody else since getting married. “Thrush!” I smugly congratulate myself. “Irrefutably thrush.”
“So what brings you here today, Mrs T?” I ask, demurely. “Well” she begins, shifting her position and wincing, “I was playing with my son’s dinosaur, and it’s stuck.”
“OK, Mrs T, but why are you in the sexual health clinic today?” I continue, somewhat bemused.
“It’s stuck,” she repeats, giving me a pointed look.
There is a long pause, the penny’s still in the air for me, but I can see the outline of Dr Ray’s shoulders silently heaving as he contains his giggles.
“I’m still not quite with you. Can you elaborate on that please?” I ask.
“It’s a T-Rex,” she adds. She gestures helplessly towards her crotch and looks stricken. “It’s stuck.” The penny finally drops.
I am overwhelmed with a range of questions but, understandably, lost for words. At this point Dr Ray interjects and suggests we get our patient on to the couch. Speculum in, we come face to face with Rex, who is poised for battle with my forceps, claws up, as it were. There is a part of the female anatomy called the posterior fornix, a little trench, right up by the cervix – “whose anatomical purposes, among others, include pooling sperm” I think to myself. This poor little fornix had pooled a 5cm tall toy T-Rex (made in China). Rexy had managed to get lodged so when looking toward the cervix using a speculum you could just see his head and front claws above this anatomical parapet.
After some deft manoeuvring with the forceps and a prophylactic course of antibiotics, the offending item was deposited in the medical waste bin. One of the best sentences I have ever uttered as a nurse, scratch that, one of the best sentences I’ve ever said, is: “I don’t advise inserting children’s toys during sexual activity, however if you do choose to masturbate with a toy dinosaur, I recommend buying your own, and perhaps putting it in a condom, or tying a leash to its foot.”
The lady nods appreciatively and hobbles off. Dr Ray and I wait in silence, poised until she’s safely out of earshot, before we both break down with laughter. It took every ounce of my strength to remain professional that day, and I learned never to pre-empt patients or their conditions again.

 

[SpurtingLesbian]

http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/pub-warned-after-dj-played-10576378

Pub warned after DJ played Peppa Pig theme tune when police officers walked in

• The licensee of Cloony's Bar in Llandudno has been handed a warning by Conwy Council following the incident in October

Cooney's Irish bar in Mostyn Street, Llandudno​

A North Wales pub which played the theme tune to children’s TV show Peppa Pig when police officers visited in October has had it’s licensed reviewed.
Officers were also subjected to snorting noises when they entered Cooney’s bar on UpperMostyn Street in Llandudno .
Owners Joanne Cooney and her husband Michael have now been handed a formal warning by Conwy Council’s licensing committee.
Any further transgression of licence conditions in the next six months will see the couple hauled back before the committee.

'Draw a line'
The bar’s DJ played the Peppa Pig theme tune and made snorting noises when police visited in October this year.
As a result North Wales Police applied for a review of the pub’s licence and the restriction of opening hours.
After Wednesday’s hearing, Mrs Cooney said: “We want to draw a line under it and get on and a have a good relationship with the police.
“I am sorry for everything but we are relieved and want to move on.”

'Unhappy officers'
Cllr Ken Stevens, chairman of the licensing committee, heard evidence from North Wales Police’s licensing officer Aaron Haggas about incidents going back to April 2014.
He said one officer who dealt with a former door supervisor was not happy about going to the bar on his own.
“If an officer is not happy to visit then how do members of the public feel?” he told the hearing.
Regarding the incident with the DJ, he said “officers should not have to ask for a manager to deal with a situation”.

Extra staff
Mr Haggas said the conditions police were seeking in addition to the licence restriction were “just normal licence conditions which should be followed as a matter of course”.
Mrs Cooney said the conditions being asked for by North Wales Police had been satisfied and that SIA trained staff were now supervising the doors.
In addition, there were now eight members of staff licensed to work in the bar, she said.

'Last chance'
When asked about the DJ who made remarks to the police, she said: “The DJ is still with us at the moment. He has three children and a wife.
“I said: ‘This is your last chance, you are not allowed to have drink. If you have a drink then we will have to let you go.’
“He’s been on his best behaviour since.”
After deliberating for more than an hour, Cllr Stevens said: “Up until now, the premises has been run in a lax and unprofessional manner.
“We accept that changes have been made to management and the premises.”

Right to appeal
He said staff would have to be trained every six months, and there would need to be signage and till prompts regarding drunkenness and radio links with the rest of the town’s Pubwatch scheme.
Cllr Stevens said there was to be no drinking of alcohol by staff on duty, a CCTV screen would need to be positioned behind the bar, and the manager on duty would have to have a personal licence with his or her name being recorded at all times.
Cllr Stevens also said that only door staff who were SIA registered were to be used at the bar.
North Wales Police has 21 days to appeal the decision.

 

[Toffeelover]

To avoid overly irritating the more grumbly transvestites on GOT, I'll most most of my excellent MUST SEE news in this thread (well until it gets locked then I'll start a new one)
I've NSFW'd it because it's probably just a matter of time.

let's start with a safe one about spotting Virgins shall we?


500 Years of Virgin Mary Sightings in One Map
Apparitions of the Virgin Mary, inspiring wonder and devotion among millions, have been tracked for centuries.

The Roman Catholic Church follows and investigates sightings of the Virgin Mary around the world.
Seeing Mary
Starting in the 16th century, the Roman Catholic Church instituted a strict vetting process for miracles like the 2,000 sightings of the Virgin Mary claimed since A.D. 40. To be worthy of belief and church support, apparitions must be deemed miraculous with a high degree of certainty and in line with church doctrine, and found to have had a positive impact.

Centuries of Miracles

The maps are fantastic mate. Just demonstrate what a heathern country we live in. Mary has not been allowed to be seen since Henry 8th.

 

[SpurtingLesbian]

Mini Fedoras For Man Buns Now Exist, Apparently
man buns had seen their hipster heyday, a whole new way of wearing them has emerged...
This is a mini man bun fedora. There are no words.

According to a Seattle blog, it's the latest menswear trend seen in the city's trendiest spots and "successfully unites the best of contemporary styles in hair and hats for young men."
The bloggers also reckon the look will be everywhere this autumn. We can only pray that they're wrong.

 

[carlos21]

Mini Fedoras For Man Buns Now Exist, Apparently
man buns had seen their hipster heyday, a whole new way of wearing them has emerged...
This is a mini man bun fedora. There are no words.

According to a Seattle blog, it's the latest menswear trend seen in the city's trendiest spots and "successfully unites the best of contemporary styles in hair and hats for young men."
The bloggers also reckon the look will be everywhere this autumn. We can only pray that they're wrong.

Evening dude how are you tonight.

 

[SpurtingLesbian]

Evening dude how are you tonight.

I'm not too bad, bit on the bored side as you can no doubt tell.
Just trawling the Interwebs so you don't have to.

How's the you? all fine and dandy I trust?

 

[Donald Twain]

This is the only thread with enough spunk for all !