OK, a little Lescott light relief: press release fun

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BlackToffee

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OK, imagine that Man City has submitted another bid. Your the Everton press officer and its your job to respond to that bid. You can't swear as this site won't allow it, and in this example the full text will be sent out to press release.

How would you put together a press release rebuffing or even accepting (grudgingly I hope) a bit. Remember little kiddies may be reading it.

Have fun.....
 

" Everton Football Club would like to announce that we have accepted a bid of £104 million for defender Joleon Lescott. We wish Joleon all the very best for the future."
 
"We have rejected the offer from Manchester City for £25 million as we are not looking to sell our better players. Joleon also mentioned he would probably only leave Everton for Arsenal, and maybe Chelsea and United. And some spanish clubs probably. Certainly not some trophyless turds"
Click to expand...

That.
 
We can confirm today that Joleon Lescott will remain an Everton player for the forseeable future. When asked if he was interested in going to Eastlands he replied "HAHAHAHA and why would I want to do that"
 

"Everton Football Club can confirm that a third offer of 20 million pounds have been received from Manchester City. While this offer is no less impressive than the others, please view the following video:

-Video cues, 3-2-1. Camera focused on the front door of the Manchester City training complex. We see Mark Hughes walk out resplendent in his new MCFC threads, holding hands with Gareth Barry and Roque Santa Cruz. As the three begin skipping down the lane, two damsels appear, showering the path with the Shiek's pound notes in front of the smiling trio, so their studs tread only on money. Hughes drops the ball he's holding and the three begin to one-touch amongst themselves, whistling all the while. Like a blue blur, Everton captain Phil Neville comes flying from off-screen and slide tackles all three - boots and pound notes go flying. Neville stands and glowers over the fallen mercenaries, adds a few unmentionable comments, then calmly trots of - end of video.

"As previously stated, Everton will not be selling any players. Offer rejected."

If you watch the video closely, Moyes is visible in the background, arms crossed with a wry smile on his face. He mutters "Love that Pip" and turns and walks away.
 
After discussing terms with the player, his agents, and the club, Everton have decided to sell Joleon Lescott to Manchester City...... HAHAHAHAHAHA you didn't think i was serious did you?
 
Okay, i've decided to do a different take on this and portray this as a screen play ala 300

Mark Hughes: All the sheik requires is this: a simple offering of Jolean Lescott for whom we will pay handsomely and will be seen as Everton’s submission to the will of Man City.

Moysey: Well, that's a bit of a problem. See, rumor has it that the Chelsea have already turned you down for John Terry, and if those cockney boy-lovers have found that kind of nerve—

Bill Kenwright: We must be diplomatic -.

Moysey: (cutting him off) And of course Evertonians... have their reputation to consider.

Mark Hughes: Choose your next words carefully, Mr Moyes. They may be your last as manager of Everton.

[Moysey turns and ponders the offer, looking at various people around him, the last of whom is Robert Earl.]

Moysey: Nil Satis Nisi Optimum...? [points finger accusingly at Mark Hughes, whose back is to the door. The Everton party hold back the other Man City representatives.]
Mark Hughes: Madman... You're a madman!

Moysey: Nil Satis Nisi Optimum...No Everton player is going anywhere, unlike you [indicates the door to Mark Hughes]

Mark Hughes: No man, Scouser or Scot ever threatens a the Sheik’s messenger!

Moysey: You bring your Roque Santa Cruz and your Vincent Kompany to Goodison’s hallowed ground! You insult our Chairman. You threaten our fans with relegation and despair! Oh, I've chosen my words carefully, Manc. Perhaps you should have done the same.

Mark Hughes: This is blasphemy! This is madness! [Moysey looks at Robert Earl and winks, Robert Earl nods an understanding.]

Moyesy: [facing the Mark Hughes] Madness? THIS IS EVERTON!! [Nuts Mark Hughes and kicks him out the door]
 

BlackToffee said:
OK, imagine that Man City has submitted another bid. Your the Everton press officer and its your job to respond to that bid. You can't swear as this site won't allow it, and in this example the full text will be sent out to press release.

How would you put together a press release rebuffing or even accepting (grudgingly I hope) a bit. Remember little kiddies may be reading it.

Have fun.....
Click to expand...

Bit unrealistic if it's Ian Ross.
 
We are very pleased to announce that we have rejected Man City's offer of £40 million pounds for Joleon Lescott.
If we are honest, we thought the player would go but instead he has signed a 5 year extension to his current contract, making it like a new signing, and given the fee mentioned, a record new signing, this is the 4th consecutive summer that mr kenwrite has made the funds available to do so, showing just how commited that he is to this club, he used to stand just over there as a young lad in the boys pen you know ?
Bill was saying just last night that he hoped he wouldnt have to move his little joleon over to his manchester piccadilly platform as he still has flashbacks to the day when he blew his little whistle, waved his little flag and watched his favourite loco disappear under the coffee table tunnel with little miniature wayne on board.
 
I'd send a little video to each newspaper and TV-studio with this message:

-We can confirm that we have received a third bid from ManC for Lescott at £23M. And we would like to respond in this way.

Here I take forth the fax with their offer and show it to the camera.. before blowing my nose in it and throw it in the wastebasket.

-We hope this will put and end to the rumours of him leaving us.
 
Everton fc today can confirm that Joleon Lescott has been sold to man city for 104.45674556737383949473456272923846484 million pounds. Joleon was only interested in the move as the contract offered him a special hair dresser who could finally put lescott out of his ugly hair cut and hopes to have silky hair like Tim howard very soon.

Lescott added, " Isn't it great?? I always dreamed of having silky hair and now at city i can achieve big hair. For the last 10 years people have been laughing at at my hair style every single day at traing ground, well who's gonna laugh now??"
 

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