Jokes Thread

The summer is finally coming to an end and the bears are getting ready for their annual wintertime sleep. However, this civilised sloth have arranged for the king of the bears to say some words before they go to bed until the springtime.

The leader strides up confidently steps up to make his speech, and greets his community:

"Hi! Bear nation!"
 

leslad said:
The summer is finally coming to an end and the bears are getting ready for their annual wintertime sleep. However, this civilised sloth have arranged for the king of the bears to say some words before they go to bed until the springtime.

The leader strides up confidently steps up to make his speech, and greets his community:

"Hi! Bear nation!"
Click to expand...
As Yogi might say to Boo-Boo: "that's better than your average joke"
 
Man at funeral, watching his deceased wife being carried to the hearse in her coffin by the pallbearers, when one of them stumbles on the step leading out of the church, and the coffin drops on the ground: and out leaps the wife!! very much alive. Indeed, 20 more years of marriage are shared before the wife 'again' passes away.
So again the man is sat watching his deceased wife being carried in her coffin by the pallbearers and as they near leaving the church he calls out desperately "for the love of God, mind that step!!"
 
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare,
’It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other..’

He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'


And thus began my life of celibacy.
 
AndyC said:
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare,
’It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other..’

He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'


And thus began my life of celibacy.
Click to expand...
flour and flower being homophones, he'd have gotten away with saying "corn flour isn't it"
Cornflowers are very pretty...
 

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
 

JammyP said:
"Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
Click to expand...

giphy.gif
 

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