Jokes Thread

[Dylan]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

 

[carlos21]

Evening mate. How you doing?

I am good you staying up all night,

 

[carlos21]

Hi Carlos. You'll have had your tea? Big cheese?

Gammon chips peas mate.

 

[CahillsCornerFlag]

What do you call an Indian man who owns 5 corner shops?

An entrepreneur.

 

[JammyP]

Gammon chips peas mate.

Marmite toast.

 

[silent bob]

I am good you staying up all night,

No mate i`m off to bed in a minute. I`m goosed.

 

[carlos21]

Marmite toast.

You staying up all night mate.

 

[carlos21]

No mate i`m off to bed in a minute. I`m goosed.

Good lar.

 

[JammyP]

You staying up all night mate.

No - training for the school run - up at 6. Heading for bed, but have to be careful not to wake up Mrs Jammy - she needs to be out first in the morning.

 

[chrissyjack]

Quasimodo in the pub " Can I have a whisky please "
Bartender " Bells alright ? "
Quasimodo .." Mind your own business "

 

[carlos21]

No - training for the school run - up at 6. Heading for bed, but have to be careful not to wake up Mrs Jammy - she needs to be out first in the morning.

Okay mate,

 

[JammyP]

Two men at the bar. The start exchanging insults. First one shouts out “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

 

[Dylan]

I have an EpiPen!

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

 

[Dylan]

A boy walks into a barbers shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?

Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied,

“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

 

[carlos21]

I have an EpiPen!

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

Go to bed.