Jokes Thread

[degsy]

Younger members might not get this one

And the older members who did...now wish they didn't

 

[AndyC]

Anybody want a job lot of flat batteries ?

Free of charge

 

[kev]

Anybody want a job lot of flat batteries ?

Free of charge

Negative.

 

[AndyC]

Negative.

Terminally dead

 

[Kurt.]

To the bugger who stole my glasses …

I will find you…. I have contacts

 

[Bishop Thumpety-Thump]

Somebody put a lion in the lift at work today.

Caused uproar.

 

[Bishop Thumpety-Thump]

I have a load of albums on cassette that I'm hanging on to until they increase in value, then I plan to sell them via auction. I can just imagine it, 'do I see 60, do I see 90?'

 

[Leylo]

I have a load of albums on cassette that I'm hanging on to until they increase in value, then I plan to sell them via auction. I can just imagine it, 'do I see 60, do I see 90?'

Ffs shoot me Now!

 

[tommytowne]

A man from Barnsley woke up with a sore ass. He goes to the local shop and says to the shopkeeper "does tha sell ass cream?"

The shopkeeper replied.."does tha want Magnum or a Cornetto?"

Same bloke goes to a police station to report that a cat had been injured.
The bobby asks "is it a Tom"
Bloke replies "nah ave brought it with me.

 

[summerisle]

 

[summerisle]

 

[Bishop Thumpety-Thump]

Our old drummer is coming out of retirement and rejoining the band, despite his doctor's advice not to. I fear there might be repercussions.

 

[verreauxi]

So, a good samaritan, a pyromaniac, and a law student walk into a bar. The pyromaniac orders a "Flaming Johnson" which consists of high-proof rum, vodka, sparklers, candles, little crepe-paper "drink-sized" umbrellas, and a big candle. The bartender dutifully makes the drink, sets it in front of the pyromaniac and lights the candles and sparklers. It lights up and, perhaps predictably, catches the rest of the bar napkins on fire. Soon the fire quickly spreads to the rest of the bar and patrons are rushing about.

It quickly became a crowded fire.
The good samaritan yells, "Everybody leave!"
The pyromaniac yells, "Awesome!"
And the law student specializing in free speach yells, "Theatre!"

 

[blueloon]

My wife said I could go to the World Cup next year if I could name three Qatar players.

I said “ Eric Clapton, George Harrison and Jimi Hendrix”

 

[tommye]

I've been diagnosed with having a morbid fear of speed bumps.

I'm slowly getting over it...