Jokes Thread

[Bishop Thumpety-Thump]

 

[summerisle]

 

[Noisy noise annoys]

 

[anjelikaferrett]

Elton John has announced that he has put so much weight on during lockdown that is having to have his clothes tailored. So it's goodbye normal jeans....

 

[summerisle]

Nothing like a classical joke to feel superior. lol

 

[Johnnytotal]

Just been down the local market & picked up an Oxford vaccination for £2 although I could have got 3 for a Pfizer .

 

[zzebra]

Dropped my car off for its MOT this morning and said they will ring me when it's ready.Just got a call at work.

" It's not good news I'm afraid. Your big end has gone,you have a leaking flange and your emissions are borderline toxic"

" Oh no! Can I book it into the garage to get repaired?"

"Garage? This is your Doctor. I've just got your results back from the hospital!"

 

[Methuselah]

Blind guy takes up free fall parachuting. His mate asks him 'how do you know when you're getting near the ground?' He said 'the lead goes slack'.

 

[chrissyjack]

A fella working in a sex toy warehouse was killed when a pallet load of dildos fell on him...hit him like a ton of pricks.

 

[blueloon]

My girlfriend is a ghost - I knew it as soon as she walked through the door.

 

[blueloon]

Just before my operation I asked the Doctor if I could do my own anaesthesia.

He said “ Fine by me, knock yourself out.”

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Paddy runs in to the pub.
"Mick ,your cars been stolen "
"You see who pinched it ,pat ?"
"No but I got the reg number ....."

 

[Seathestars]

Just been on a website checking on something for my diabetes.
It asked if I accept all cookies, not sure if its a trick question

 

[Seathestars]

I might try that Dolly Parton diet
My mate Joe is on it and it’s really made Joe lean

 

[Seathestars]

Just found the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine
Can’t believe it’s not Buddha