Jokes Thread

[Cels]

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I came to this thread to do two things; spread love, and quote Air Supply song titles... and I'm all out of love.

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[Methuselah]

Ambulance knocks a policeman down. Ambulance driver and assistant puts policeman in back of ambulance. Driver says to policeman 'you were lucky we were coming this way'.

 

[Bluesaint]

My grandfather always used to go on about how things were better back in his day, he always told me that you could always leave your doors open, back in his day. No wonder his submarine sank.

 

[Brisan123]

Did you know that their are 4 types of orgasm? There's...

The positive... the "Oh Yes! Oh Yes! Oh Yes!"
The negative... the "Oh No! Oh No! Oh No!"
The religious... the "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"

And, of course, the fakes...
"Oh Gerrard! Oh Gerrard! Oh Gerrard!"
Or
"Oh Klop! Oh Klop! Oh Klop!"

Substitute as appropriate.

Or the multiple .............please god don't let the batteries run out

 

[Bishop Thumpety-Thump]

Doctor: your body has completely run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg

 

[blueloon]

Little bit of trivia to boost your quiz knowledge.

First prem goal scorer-Brian Deane

First prem hatrick-Eric Cantona

First player to ever get injured-Virgil van Dijk

 

[anton66]

Or the multiple .............please god don't let the batteries run out

 

[Bishop Thumpety-Thump]

'Fred, Daphne, Shaggy and Velma, can you name one of Africa's big five animals?'

'Rhino?'

'I know you do Scooby, but it's not your turn!'

 

[Drumblue]

'Fred, Daphne, Shaggy and Velma, can you name one of Africa's big five animals?'

'Rhino?'

'I know you do Scooby, but it's not your turn!'

 

[Sadken]

I was in court last week, the judge had no fingers....justice thumbs.

 

[Kurt.]

Teacher - “if you had one apple now and your father gives you one when you get home what would you have ?”

Schoolboy “one apple and a sore arse miss”

 

[Kurt.]

I moved my pawn.... it was agony
I moved my queen.... thought I was dying
I moved my king ..... almost passed out


I was suffering bad chess pains

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Husband says too his wife,
"Have you read Marx?"
She replied.
"Only when you slap my ass really hard."

 

[Brownie]

I said to the doctor "Have you got anything for excessive wind?" and he gave me a kite.

 

[anjelikaferrett]

I went into my local Fish and Chip shop and ordered a chip butty.
The woman serving asked me “What type of bread would you like?”
I replied “Ciabatta Bread?”
She said “No, only the fish, jumbo sausage and Mars bars”!