Joke thread

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monty

monty

Sack Sky and donate to GOT...donations are needed
Two Irishmen in London whilst looking for work were strolling down Oxford
> >Street.
> >
> >After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of
> >amazement on his face and says:
> >
> >"Murphy, will you have a look at that shop over there. I thought that
> >London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!"
> >
> >
> >Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at
that.
> >Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00, I think that we should buy
the
> >lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling
them
> >in Dublin, so we would."
> >
> >
> >Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever
> >have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay Taxes and duty on things
> >like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're
> >going to export them and make our fortune, so he won't."
> >
> >
> >Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got idea! You can do the best
English
> >accent, out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and
I'll
> >just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish. No
> >he won't."
> >
> >
> >"OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and
> >look English."
> >
> >
> >So the two visitors to the illustrious capital city go into the shop,
where
> >Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his
best
> >Cockney impression:
> >
> >"Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle 'un Flutes', 20 'Dickie
> >Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind I'll be paying with
> >the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in my 'Sky Rocket'."
> >
> >
> >Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at
> >Murphy as well, then says to Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?"
> >
> >
> >Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be'Jesus. Mary Mother of Christ, if
that
> >ain't me best English accent? How in God's name did you know that we were
> >Irish?"
> >
> >
> >The Owner replies: "This is a Dry Cleaners".
 

Honour of Stupid People . . .
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer goods.


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)


==========================


On Sainsbury's peanuts --
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

===========================




On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)


==========================



On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)


=======================



On a Sears hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

====================================



On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)


===========================


On a bar of Dial soap --
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)


============================





On some Swanson frozen dinners --
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)



========================



On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)



==============================



On Nytol Sleep Aid --
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)


==============================




On most brands of Christmas lights --
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)


==========================



On a Japanese food processor --
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


==============================



On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)


===========================




On a child's Superman costume --
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


========================



On a Swedish chainsaw --
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


===========================




Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread
the stupidity to someone you want to bring a smile to
(maybe even chuckle)...


=============================

****Blessed are the cracked:
for it is they who let in the light*****
 
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world
> you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected
> as others see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may
> result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal
> in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their
> domain names enough consideration:
>
>
> 1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent
> that represents a celebrity. Their domain name. wait for it. is
> www.whorepresents.com
>
> 2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice
> and views at www.expertsexchange.com
>
> 3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
>
> 4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
>
> 5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company.
> www.powergenitalia.com
>
> 6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South
> Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
>
> _________________________________________________________________
>
 
Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
> Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
> Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
> need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
> before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
> Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me
> when I am travelling in Australia ?" Operator: " Doesn't the product give
> you a clue?"
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ): "If
> I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the
> other side of the car?"
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
> Cardiff please".
> Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
> Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell
> off".
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
> Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
> Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box
> told a worried operator:
> "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
> Customer: "OK".
> Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
> Customer: "No".
> Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
> Customer: "No".
> Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
> point?".
> Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see
> the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from
> there?"
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that
> I need it. If I turn my pc clock back two weeks will I have my file back
> again?".
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long
> time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is a true
> story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording
> monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk
> employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect
> organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former
> WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these
> conversations!):
>
> Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
> Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
> Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
> Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
> away."
> Operator: "Went away?"
> Caller: "They disappeared."
> Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
> Caller: "Nothing."
> Operator: "Nothing??"
> Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
> Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
> Caller: "How do I tell?"
> Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
> Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
> Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" Caller:
> "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
> Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
> Caller: "What's a monitor?"
> Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
> it have a little light that tells you when it's on??" Caller: "I don't
> know."
> Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
> power cord goes into it. Can you see that??" Caller: "Yes, I think so."
> Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
> into the wall." Caller: "Yes, it is."
> Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
> two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??" Caller: "No."
> Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
> other cable."
> Caller: "Okay, here it is."
> Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
> back of your computer."
> Caller: "I can't reach."
> Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
> Caller: "No."
> Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
> Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because
> it's dark."
> Operator: "Dark??"
> Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming
> in from the window. "
> Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then." Caller: "I can't."
> Operator: "No? Why not??"
> Caller: "Because there's a power failure.."
> Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
> now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
> came in??"
> Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
> Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
> like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
> from."
> Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
> Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
> Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
> Operator: "Tell them you're too f###ing stupid to own a computer
>
 

This skinny little white bloke steps into a lift, looks up and sees this
> HUGE black guy standing next to him.
>
> The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says:"7 feet
> tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
>
> The white man faints and falls to the floor.
>
> The big guy kneels down and brings him to life, shaking him. The big guy
> says, What's wrong with you?"
>
> In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"
>
> The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you
> the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I
> weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch dick, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each,
> and my name is Turner Brown."
>
> The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn
> around "
 
Two Irishmen in London whilst looking for work were strolling down Oxford
> >Street.
> >
> >After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of
> >amazement on his face and says:
> >
> >"Murphy, will you have a look at that shop over there. I thought that
> >London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!"
> >
> >
> >Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at
that.
> >Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00, I think that we should buy
the
> >lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling
them
> >in Dublin, so we would."
> >
> >
> >Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever
> >have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay Taxes and duty on things
> >like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're
> >going to export them and make our fortune, so he won't."
> >
> >
> >Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got idea! You can do the best
English
> >accent, out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and
I'll
> >just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish. No
> >he won't."
> >
> >
> >"OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and
> >look English."
> >
> >
> >So the two visitors to the illustrious capital city go into the shop,
where
> >Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his
best
> >Cockney impression:
> >
> >"Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle 'un Flutes', 20 'Dickie
> >Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind I'll be paying with
> >the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in my 'Sky Rocket'."
> >
> >
> >Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at
> >Murphy as well, then says to Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?"
> >
> >
> >Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be'Jesus. Mary Mother of Christ, if
that
> >ain't me best English accent? How in God's name did you know that we were
> >Irish?"
> >
> >
> >The Owner replies: "This is a Dry Cleaners".
 
This is a true story, indicating how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, I think the man would have said: "Well, [Poor language removed] me! A talking pig!”

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
 
this is an actual convo between my friend and someone from a different part of his company:




Me: Software support, Mark speaking. How can I help?

Customer: Its not working....

Me: The software?

Customer: Yes...

Me: What the error?

Customer: I told you its not working...

Me: I'll need to know what error message is and where it is before I can help you.

Customer: Its says 'Unable to connect to remote server.' when I try and do an online update.

Me: Ok. Do you have a firewall on your system?

Customer: No.

Me: Ok double click on .... [static]

Customer: Sorry about that im having to use my mobile as my telephone line is down.

Me: Ah that'll be why the online updates don't work then.

Customer: No its not! Your just using that as an excuse to get rid of me!

Me: But how can the online updates work if your phone line is down? How would you connect to the internet?

Customer: I dont know your the expert!

Me: Well you can't do it without an internet connection.

Customer: Yes you can!

Me: How?

Customer You tell me.

Me But you can't how would it get the information?

Customer: Well thats no good to me then. Perhaps you should get your programmers to come up with a better solution.

Me: But without an active connection there is no other way

[he hangs up]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
That was an actual log from my records. Now this is how it should have gone.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Me: ....

Customer: Hello? I have a technical query.

Me: I am Melvin the impaler. Kneel before me!

Customer: Is this technical support?

Me: Yes and now you must suffer!!!

[he hangs up]
 

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...." The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
 
Irish technology

An oldie but worth remembering.........................................

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting
naked in
a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his
forearm and the beep stopped.

The other men looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager" the American said. "I have a microchip under the
skin
of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his
palm to
his ear.

When he finished his conversation, he explained:

"That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Irishman felt very low tech, but was determined not to be out
done. He
stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a
long piece of toilet paper trailing from his backside.

The others raised their eyebrows at him. The Irishman glanced around and
said:

"Bejesus! Wouldja look at dat!! I'm gettin' a fax!"
 
A shy, but drunk young man walked up to a beautiful woman in a bar and said, "Do you mind if I ask a personal question?"

"Yes I sure do," she replied "but go ahead, since I'm sure you are going to ask anyway."

"Okay," he said, "How many men have you slept with?"

"That's my business!" she snapped.

"Oh, cool!" he said. "How much?"
 

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