RyanGordon
Player Valuation: £2.5m
Lmao, you know Dundee inside out.
Cant wait for this. Anyone coming up for it?
Cant wait for this. Anyone coming up for it?
- Status
Bigmaclad
No mate
Ryan! Where have you been man?!
turner
I can be a friend to you
Dr. Turner's trip to Dundee last year:
I had to go to Dundee last year for a paediatric exam (as in "to be a member of the royal college of paediatricians", not because I'm a child with a medical problem.) I've only been to Dundee once, in much the same way as Frodo only went to Mordor once, but it was such a depressing eighteen hours of my life I think it is only proper that I should forewarn those brave souls travelling to the badlands of the north.
Dundee is far away. Three hundred miles away. It seems much further than that, in geographical and evolutionary terms. It is so far away that I left on a sunny day in September, but the weather told me that when I had arrived, I had arrived in December. Judging from peoples' clothing it seemed like it was December, 1983. Everyone looked like an extra from "Auf Wiedersehen Pet." I had spent the last hour on a train from Edinburgh next to a man who had clearly pissed himself, but much earlier in the day, allowing the piss stained proclaimer-style denim combo to achieve the kind of smell only encountered around the very elderly. Because of this, I actually left the train with relief: little did I know this moment was to be the highlight of my stay.
I arrived after dark, dumped my stuff in my hotel room and went out to find something to eat. The architecture was reminiscent of something out of Cold War Krakow crossed with Bladerunner. Some higher being had clearly taken a tetris-style concrete **** all over the landscape and some primitive race had fashioned rudimentary dwellings in it. I walked towards the "city" centre. There was barely a soul around, and it was only seven-thirty. It was like a zombie film, but I've never seen an obese zombie, and certainly not one wearing early-nineties sports wear, and this was the prime look of those creatures I saw wandering the streets.
But what was that I could see along the street? Lights! People! Singing! Could this be some kind of street festival? A local cultural exchange with a Brazillian samba group? Performance theatre? I hurried at a pace, hoping to feel a part of this cultural diversity. I could begin to make out signs and banners. What did that say....I squinted......"god hates the murderers of unborn babies" Yes, it all made sense now, a massive anti-abortion rally is the premier cultural event in Dundee. It was certainly the only time I saw anyone enjoying themselves in my whole time there.
So as I said, I had gone out for food. At seven-thirty. A not-uncommon time to eat in most places in the world, but not in Dundee. No. They must eat at four-thirty, because every restaurant, cafe, burger joint and other food purveyor was shut. At seven-thirty. I did eventually, after forty minutes of aimless rambling, find some "restaurant" that was open. They kindly cooked for me what I can only assume what was the bile duct of a recently dead horse, stuffed with the minced neck gristle from a murdered sewage worker. I ate this at rapid speed, mainly to avoid eye contact with the waitress, who had clearly marked me out as her chance for a refreshing dip in the gene pool, and was coyly licking one of her hooves in some kind of mating ritual.
I left sharpish and got a little lost. Abort-fest 2011 had clearly finshed for the evening and the streets were once again dead. I wandered in the direction of my hotel and passed numeorous shops with overly simple descriptive names, often selling just one type of product. No word of a lie, there is a shop in Dundee simply called "dog food shop." As I was rounding the corner to my hotel I could see a small huddle of people. As I walked closer I could see they were stooped around a collapsed old man. "Right," I thought to myself, "I suppose I better do my medical duty and see if I can't help this poor soul." Everyone looked at me as I stepped into the middle of the huddle.
"Hello, mate, are you okay?" I said. No answer, no response, I wasn't really sure he was breathing. "Someone had better ring an ambulance," I said and one of the gawking onlookers managed to mash the keypad of his Nokia 1110 in such a sequence that he assured me an ambulance was on its way.
I rolled the old man over; he was grey and his breathing was shallow. ""Answer me if you can, does it hurt anywhere?"
No answer. I checked his pulse, which was okay, and rolled him over into the recovery position. "Can you understand me, can you hear me?" I shouted at the old man. He didn't focus on me, and appeared to be losing his consciousness. In the background you could hear the ambulance and as it came closer the old man heard the siren, suddenly sat bolt upright, spat a massive, phlegmy greeny in my face and jumped to his feet and sprinted off round the corner. Everyone else seemed to disappear into the night quickly, leaving me to explain what had happened to a pissed-off paramedic crew, who essentially gave me a lecture about wasting the emergency services' time.
I sloped off to my hotel room and fell asleep at about 20:45, because there was literally nothing else to do. Whe I woke up, I stared at the majestic view of Dundee outside my hotel window:
]
I have never been back to Dundee, I probably never will. I passed my exam, but no human can revel in success with the knowledge that out there, somewhere, Dundee exists.
I had to go to Dundee last year for a paediatric exam (as in "to be a member of the royal college of paediatricians", not because I'm a child with a medical problem.) I've only been to Dundee once, in much the same way as Frodo only went to Mordor once, but it was such a depressing eighteen hours of my life I think it is only proper that I should forewarn those brave souls travelling to the badlands of the north.
Dundee is far away. Three hundred miles away. It seems much further than that, in geographical and evolutionary terms. It is so far away that I left on a sunny day in September, but the weather told me that when I had arrived, I had arrived in December. Judging from peoples' clothing it seemed like it was December, 1983. Everyone looked like an extra from "Auf Wiedersehen Pet." I had spent the last hour on a train from Edinburgh next to a man who had clearly pissed himself, but much earlier in the day, allowing the piss stained proclaimer-style denim combo to achieve the kind of smell only encountered around the very elderly. Because of this, I actually left the train with relief: little did I know this moment was to be the highlight of my stay.
I arrived after dark, dumped my stuff in my hotel room and went out to find something to eat. The architecture was reminiscent of something out of Cold War Krakow crossed with Bladerunner. Some higher being had clearly taken a tetris-style concrete **** all over the landscape and some primitive race had fashioned rudimentary dwellings in it. I walked towards the "city" centre. There was barely a soul around, and it was only seven-thirty. It was like a zombie film, but I've never seen an obese zombie, and certainly not one wearing early-nineties sports wear, and this was the prime look of those creatures I saw wandering the streets.
But what was that I could see along the street? Lights! People! Singing! Could this be some kind of street festival? A local cultural exchange with a Brazillian samba group? Performance theatre? I hurried at a pace, hoping to feel a part of this cultural diversity. I could begin to make out signs and banners. What did that say....I squinted......"god hates the murderers of unborn babies" Yes, it all made sense now, a massive anti-abortion rally is the premier cultural event in Dundee. It was certainly the only time I saw anyone enjoying themselves in my whole time there.
So as I said, I had gone out for food. At seven-thirty. A not-uncommon time to eat in most places in the world, but not in Dundee. No. They must eat at four-thirty, because every restaurant, cafe, burger joint and other food purveyor was shut. At seven-thirty. I did eventually, after forty minutes of aimless rambling, find some "restaurant" that was open. They kindly cooked for me what I can only assume what was the bile duct of a recently dead horse, stuffed with the minced neck gristle from a murdered sewage worker. I ate this at rapid speed, mainly to avoid eye contact with the waitress, who had clearly marked me out as her chance for a refreshing dip in the gene pool, and was coyly licking one of her hooves in some kind of mating ritual.
I left sharpish and got a little lost. Abort-fest 2011 had clearly finshed for the evening and the streets were once again dead. I wandered in the direction of my hotel and passed numeorous shops with overly simple descriptive names, often selling just one type of product. No word of a lie, there is a shop in Dundee simply called "dog food shop." As I was rounding the corner to my hotel I could see a small huddle of people. As I walked closer I could see they were stooped around a collapsed old man. "Right," I thought to myself, "I suppose I better do my medical duty and see if I can't help this poor soul." Everyone looked at me as I stepped into the middle of the huddle.
"Hello, mate, are you okay?" I said. No answer, no response, I wasn't really sure he was breathing. "Someone had better ring an ambulance," I said and one of the gawking onlookers managed to mash the keypad of his Nokia 1110 in such a sequence that he assured me an ambulance was on its way.
I rolled the old man over; he was grey and his breathing was shallow. ""Answer me if you can, does it hurt anywhere?"
No answer. I checked his pulse, which was okay, and rolled him over into the recovery position. "Can you understand me, can you hear me?" I shouted at the old man. He didn't focus on me, and appeared to be losing his consciousness. In the background you could hear the ambulance and as it came closer the old man heard the siren, suddenly sat bolt upright, spat a massive, phlegmy greeny in my face and jumped to his feet and sprinted off round the corner. Everyone else seemed to disappear into the night quickly, leaving me to explain what had happened to a pissed-off paramedic crew, who essentially gave me a lecture about wasting the emergency services' time.
I sloped off to my hotel room and fell asleep at about 20:45, because there was literally nothing else to do. Whe I woke up, I stared at the majestic view of Dundee outside my hotel window:
]
I have never been back to Dundee, I probably never will. I passed my exam, but no human can revel in success with the knowledge that out there, somewhere, Dundee exists.
bluejock
Boss coat aficionado
Beaverhind
Player Valuation: Free Transfer
Pitch inspection at 12.30!!
Really enjoyed that pal, well in.
TheFinnFan
Finners
I wonder should I purchase the Everton tv preseason package
- Status
Similar Threads
-
Match Thread Everton V Liverpool. Sun April 19. 2pm- Started by blue to the bone
- Replies: 4K
-
-
Match Thread Aston Villa 0-1 Everton. Sunday 18th January 2026 @ 16:30- Started by Daveysgingerlovechild
- Replies: 3K