Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[Earwigjoe]

@bluejim95 where are you buddy?? Any chance you could let your mates on here know youre ok?? We'd all love to hear from you.

 

[bluejim95]

@bluejim95 where are you buddy?? Any chance you could let your mates on here know youre ok?? We'd all love to hear from you.

Sorry all, I felt so low on Saturday. I went out and did all my coping mechanisms. Went to a friends house and stayed till 4am.

Walked back home in the rain, listening to music on full blast to silence my thoughts. Saw my parents, they got to see my boy. He was in full flow as ever.

I looked up fathers for justice. I have told her I will never accept him being part of my boys life and that will never change. I said if I have to take it to court and they tell me I have to, then so be it. Also reminded her how much that would cost us both, but I said it will be a price worth paying to stop evil getting to my boy.

The reality is, I want to repair it. I want that for my son and for me. Saturday with my boy was super tough. He cried for his mum so much throughout the day. It was heartbreaking to watch, I calmed him down but then like a switch, he would just go looking. One time he sat by the front door and started banging his head against the radiator. She doesn't get to see any of that, she doesn't get its not about what I do but what my boy wants. He just wants his mum, at 2 its only normal.

I dont know what this week brings, I'm away with work and I am petrified to see people in the office. Going to be super emotional for sure. She hasn't spent more than a few hours apart from him, whereas I have tasted life without them... it just sucks. Just hope I can stay strong whilst away.

 

[bluejim95]

OF COURSE you can and you already know that you can do anything you want to.You just have to want to move on. YOU got your job, YOU rose to the top of it, YOU got your house, YOU made a son. YOU gave yourself everything you've ever wanted. SHE did everything wrong and hurt you, damaging your pride. Take it back, the hurt is sore its recent and raw and you don't deserve any of it. Take back control of your life, know your rights, get legal advice and take control back. Look at your beautiful SON, he did nothing wrong either just like his DAd. Dont let him suffer without his DAD, you don't want him growing up without his DAD, you dont want him wondering if his DAD loved him, wondering if his DAD really loved him - if he did he wouldn't have left him and you dont want him in a few years if he meets hardship taking his own life because his DAD did. Please mate get the stupid thought out of your head if not for your mates on here your fellow blues who've all had our shares of badtimes then goodtimes then do it for your SON. ?

I did rise to the top, it was easy for me as I had a purpose, I had a reason to do it. For my family, so my boy could be proud of who his dad was, to make our dreams into reality.

I was asked at the beginning of last year, what would success in this role mean to me. I answered, when we have our second child, I want my partner to be able to have the choice of when to return to work. I have battled for that.

I can't say I've blocked it all out but I'm trying. This morning I sat looking at the broken belt buckle from the last attempt thinking what could have been. I know lots of people care and I know everyone is right, just when you're in it, its difficult for those messages to land.

 

[bluejim95]

bluejim I've only just seen this message and I really hope you get to read my reply. Suicide may seem like the easy option to you but it really really isn't. All you do is end up hurting the ones you love most, and the people you want to hurt will probably just feel relief that a problem has gone away. Your son will grow up not knowing whether you really loved him and, worse, wondering whether he was to blame for you taking your own life.

So if you do get to read this my message to you is to be strong. Your son needs you in his life and you need to keep telling yourself this over and over again. There is plenty of good advice to you in this thread, and lots of reference points for you to read and to contact to enable you to wrest back control of the situation. The sooner you do this the sooner you will feel better in yourself and push the dark thoughts out of your head.

I totally get it and I've given such advice before. Just everything seems out of my control, I can't make her see me or the damage she is doing. This new guy is just a player and can't deliver anything he's promised her to get his way, I know that because I know him. The same things he said he would deliver for his wife and family 10 years ago never happened. I was totally devoted and would never even look elsewhere. I could stand tall with her and my son by my side, now I just feel so small and irrelevant.

 

[bluejim95]

I've been by myself for 3 years mate but I'm still here.
I have a photograph of my daughter in my truck and anytime I've found it tough over this time or lonely I've looked at that photograph of my now 16 year old and maybe cried but most of the time smiled and remembered she maybe growing up but she will always be my princess.
Bury yourself in work and keep yourself busy . Thats what I did.
Get that bond and trust with your son so he knows when he sees you or chats to you on the phone you will always have a smile and a cuddle for him.
It took me a long time to gain my daughters trust because I didn't do the right things at the start of my divorce. I was eratic, angry and grumpy. I pushed her away.
You can do this mate. Switch on now though because whilst you drag your feet your Ex will be making plans. Don't let her hurt you anymore.

I wish she would make plans. Thats a big part of the issue, she is happy to live in the comfort and support I bring, but wants to go out and spend the good times with someone else. I kick her out and I lose my boy, so I feel backed into a corner. At times it feels like none of this happened, then bang, off she goes again.

I got the picture up and the birthday card he made me this year. I just wish I could give him what he wants and thats his mum and dad together. They justified this on having happy parents, but I can say none of this has made me happy nor his wife and kids. The look on her face after being with him saturday wasn't one of happiness either. If he drops her, she will face a very tough existence and that ultimately effects my boy. Just wish she would see through him before its too late.

 

[Earwigjoe]

I did rise to the top, it was easy for me as I had a purpose, I had a reason to do it. For my family, so my boy could be proud of who his dad was, to make our dreams into reality.

I was asked at the beginning of last year, what would success in this role mean to me. I answered, when we have our second child, I want my partner to be able to have the choice of when to return to work. I have battled for that.

I can't say I've blocked it all out but I'm trying. This morning I sat looking at the broken belt buckle from the last attempt thinking what could have been. I know lots of people care and I know everyone is right, just when you're in it, its difficult for those messages to land.

Good morning buddy, great to hear from you this morning, Thanks for getting back to us. Catch up soon im heading into work ??

 

[Gwladysover]

Sorry all, I felt so low on Saturday. I went out and did all my coping mechanisms. Went to a friends house and stayed till 4am.

Walked back home in the rain, listening to music on full blast to silence my thoughts. Saw my parents, they got to see my boy. He was in full flow as ever.

I looked up fathers for justice. I have told her I will never accept him being part of my boys life and that will never change. I said if I have to take it to court and they tell me I have to, then so be it. Also reminded her how much that would cost us both, but I said it will be a price worth paying to stop evil getting to my boy.

The reality is, I want to repair it. I want that for my son and for me. Saturday with my boy was super tough. He cried for his mum so much throughout the day. It was heartbreaking to watch, I calmed him down but then like a switch, he would just go looking. One time he sat by the front door and started banging his head against the radiator. She doesn't get to see any of that, she doesn't get its not about what I do but what my boy wants. He just wants his mum, at 2 its only normal.

I dont know what this week brings, I'm away with work and I am petrified to see people in the office. Going to be super emotional for sure. She hasn't spent more than a few hours apart from him, whereas I have tasted life without them... it just sucks. Just hope I can stay strong whilst away.

I am so glad to hear from you again. It seems you had a really tough weekend but the main thing is you came through it. This week sounds as though it may be difficult for you too but I am sure you can stay strong, you have the thoughts of your little lad to carry you through. Whatever happens you are is Dad and no one can ever take your place. Hold on to that thought. All the best.?

 

[David09]

I wish she would make plans. Thats a big part of the issue, she is happy to live in the comfort and support I bring, but wants to go out and spend the good times with someone else. I kick her out and I lose my boy, so I feel backed into a corner. At times it feels like none of this happened, then bang, off she goes again.

I got the picture up and the birthday card he made me this year. I just wish I could give him what he wants and thats his mum and dad together. They justified this on having happy parents, but I can say none of this has made me happy nor his wife and kids. The look on her face after being with him saturday wasn't one of happiness either. If he drops her, she will face a very tough existence and that ultimately effects my boy. Just wish she would see through him before its too late.

I will tell you this now mate as I dont want you to make the same mistakes as me. I found out about my Ex wife and her affair in 2014. I stayed with her for another 4 years fighting for my marriage and daughter but it was all lies.
She made promise after promise it was over and it was me she loved and wanted but it was total balls and lies.
If you want to keep fighting to save your marriage I wish you good luck but looking back now I should of walked in 2014 and fought her in the courts for custody of my daughter. I also should of stayed in my house and not lost that either.
Just be careful. It sounds like she is already making plans and if you don't react she you wont be able to stop her.
I'm not trying to kick you whilst your down. I just want you to tread carefully for you and your sons sake.
The photograph trick really helped me when things were tough with my daughter. Touch wood now we have both mellowed and don't argue.

 

[bluejim95]

I will tell you this now mate as I dont want you to make the same mistakes as me. I found out about my Ex wife and her affair in 2014. I stayed with her for another 4 years fighting for my marriage and daughter but it was all lies.
She made promise after promise it was over and it was me she loved and wanted but it was total balls and lies.
If you want to keep fighting to save your marriage I wish you good luck but looking back now I should of walked in 2014 and fought her in the courts for custody of my daughter. I also should of stayed in my house and not lost that either.
Just be careful. It sounds like she is already making plans and if you don't react she you wont be able to stop her.
I'm not trying to kick you whilst your down. I just want you to tread carefully for you and your sons sake.
The photograph trick really helped me when things were tough with my daughter. Touch wood now we have both mellowed and don't argue.

I won't lie, its a massive concern. If she did come back, what would be the reasoning, easy life, money, etc. I had left the chance of repair on the table up till last week. I told her I was taking it away to gain some self respect back. My reasoning being that if she wanted back then the decision whether to would fall on me. It would then come down to where I am in life or how much damage she has done.

I already feel I am having my feelings for her and my son used against me. She says she can't be without her boy, I dont want the new guy involved... so I gave her the option of boy stays with me and she can have 24/7 access. She doesn't want that. The only option where she gets to live full time here will be with me as her partner, not just some lodger. She doesn't want to be with me, the reality for her is either half a week or 24/7 access. I stay absolute that I will never accept him in my child's life... I will do everything in my power to make it as difficult as possible to make that happen. Financially, emotionally, whatever it takes.

If she were to stay, my first condition would be to change her job as I will not accept her continuing to work in the same building as him. Either way, she has made a mess that will impact her in a way that will upset her.

Really appreciate you sharing your experience and I wish it wasn't this we both share. Thank you as I'm sure its not easy recalling such things, I'm only 10 weeks in and its a drama I wished I never faced.

 

[bluejim95]

I am so glad to hear from you again. It seems you had a really tough weekend but the main thing is you came through it. This week sounds as though it may be difficult for you too but I am sure you can stay strong, you have the thoughts of your little lad to carry you through. Whatever happens you are is Dad and no one can ever take your place. Hold on to that thought. All the best.?

Thank you, the walk back in the rain was almost euphoric. No cars, no people, some heavy drum and bass rattling my brain... was soaked when I got back but having that time to forget, even for just an hour was priceless.

I didn't have my boy until I was in my 40's and I thought the time had passed. I dreamed of having a child and still to this day I can't believe I created something so perfect. I chased perfection all my life, Art, music, work... seeing his smile and listening to him sing teletubbies beats all that in a moment.

The emotions are all over the place, the main times I have tried have been when I have been stopped from doing my coping mechanisms. She would block me going out and it would send me over the edge. My friend told me to learn to pack my thoughts away, don't worry till it happens... that works sometimes. Some things just don't fit in the box, my brain just dwells on things I can't shake.

I spent time with my Dad today, he came over to be with me even though I was working. He is such an amazing guy, always helping others and doing his best. He is there for me but he is completely out of his depth with my situation, that alone is scary for me as I look to him in times of difficulty. I know I need to be that for my son, I just also worry I will become a burden to him, its like the angel and the devil on my shoulders are evenly matched.

 

[David09]

I won't lie, its a massive concern. If she did come back, what would be the reasoning, easy life, money, etc. I had left the chance of repair on the table up till last week. I told her I was taking it away to gain some self respect back. My reasoning being that if she wanted back then the decision whether to would fall on me. It would then come down to where I am in life or how much damage she has done.

I already feel I am having my feelings for her and my son used against me. She says she can't be without her boy, I dont want the new guy involved... so I gave her the option of boy stays with me and she can have 24/7 access. She doesn't want that. The only option where she gets to live full time here will be with me as her partner, not just some lodger. She doesn't want to be with me, the reality for her is either half a week or 24/7 access. I stay absolute that I will never accept him in my child's life... I will do everything in my power to make it as difficult as possible to make that happen. Financially, emotionally, whatever it takes.

If she were to stay, my first condition would be to change her job as I will not accept her continuing to work in the same building as him. Either way, she has made a mess that will impact her in a way that will upset her.

Really appreciate you sharing your experience and I wish it wasn't this we both share. Thank you as I'm sure its not easy recalling such things, I'm only 10 weeks in and its a drama I wished I never faced.

I'm fairly settled now mate. I'm still in a houseshare which is tough as my daughter refuses to visit me at home which I understand. But I'm saving hard for my own house and I enjoy my own company.
I work away all week in my truck and my bosses have been good to me in keeping me busy.
I will always blame my marriage failure partly on myself for working away from home so much. I thought working away would bring us extra money and happiness but it did the opposite.
Stay safe mate and remember your not on your own if your struggling. Your son and your family need you.

 

[Earwigjoe]

I'm fairly settled now mate. I'm still in a houseshare which is tough as my daughter refuses to visit me at home which I understand. But I'm saving hard for my own house and I enjoy my own company.
I work away all week in my truck and my bosses have been good to me in keeping me busy.
I will always blame my marriage failure partly on myself for working away from home so much. I thought working away would bring us extra money and happiness but it did the opposite.
Stay safe mate and remember your not on your own if your struggling. Your son and your family need you.

Thats rough mate, it must have been so hard to get through - I can only imagine after hearing the hurt @bluejim95 currently going through with it being so raw and current with him.. Im so glad you got through it and were able to share with him. Youre a star mate. Brilliant advice and another brilliant post mate?

 

[Earwigjoe]

I won't lie, its a massive concern. If she did come back, what would be the reasoning, easy life, money, etc. I had left the chance of repair on the table up till last week. I told her I was taking it away to gain some self respect back. My reasoning being that if she wanted back then the decision whether to would fall on me. It would then come down to where I am in life or how much damage she has done.

I already feel I am having my feelings for her and my son used against me. She says she can't be without her boy, I dont want the new guy involved... so I gave her the option of boy stays with me and she can have 24/7 access. She doesn't want that. The only option where she gets to live full time here will be with me as her partner, not just some lodger. She doesn't want to be with me, the reality for her is either half a week or 24/7 access. I stay absolute that I will never accept him in my child's life... I will do everything in my power to make it as difficult as possible to make that happen. Financially, emotionally, whatever it takes.

If she were to stay, my first condition would be to change her job as I will not accept her continuing to work in the same building as him. Either way, she has made a mess that will impact her in a way that will upset her.

Really appreciate you sharing your experience and I wish it wasn't this we both share. Thank you as I'm sure its not easy recalling such things, I'm only 10 weeks in and its a drama I wished I never faced.

I won't lie, its a massive concern. If she did come back, what would be the reasoning, easy life, money, etc. I had left the chance of repair on the table up till last week. I told her I was taking it away to gain some self respect back. My reasoning being that if she wanted back then the decision whether to would fall on me. It would then come down to where I am in life or how much damage she has done.

I already feel I am having my feelings for her and my son used against me. She says she can't be without her boy, I dont want the new guy involved... so I gave her the option of boy stays with me and she can have 24/7 access. She doesn't want that. The only option where she gets to live full time here will be with me as her partner, not just some lodger. She doesn't want to be with me, the reality for her is either half a week or 24/7 access. I stay absolute that I will never accept him in my child's life... I will do everything in my power to make it as difficult as possible to make that happen. Financially, emotionally, whatever it takes.

If she were to stay, my first condition would be to change her job as I will not accept her continuing to work in the same building as him. Either way, she has made a mess that will impact her in a way that will upset her.

Really appreciate you sharing your experience and I wish it wasn't this we both share. Thank you as I'm sure its not easy recalling such things, I'm only 10 weeks in and its a drama I wished I never faced.

I wish you and @David09 didnt share the same experience either mate, some great lived advice from him there though. Its good you're planning now on what you want - as it should be, as you've did nothing wrong. Was the wee man born in the UK? Hope so. Youre going to miss him this week but maybe these few days away from her you can really decide what you want to do and think clearly - without the tug o war with her being around. You seem to be a go getter - one of lifes acheivers that when you want something youll set out to get it. You dont need someone to pull you down whom you cant trust, get the legal advice sorted, stay in the house and take your pride and control back. Im glad you've got the bond with your Dad - - Dads really are a sons best friend. Us Dads get a rough ride at times, but this world couldnt work wihout us. Stay positive mate and you've got brothers and friends on here all the time for you and for each other. ??

 

[bluejim95]

I wish you and @David09 didnt share the same experience either mate, some great lived advice from him there though. Its good you're planning now on what you want - as it should be, as you've did nothing wrong. Was the wee man born in the UK? Hope so. Youre going to miss him this week but maybe these few days away from her you can really decide what you want to do and think clearly - without the tug o war with her being around. You seem to be a go getter - one of lifes acheivers that when you want something youll set out to get it. You dont need someone to pull you down whom you cant trust, get the legal advice sorted, stay in the house and take your pride and control back. Im glad you've got the bond with your Dad - - Dads really are a sons best friend. Us Dads get a rough ride at times, but this world couldnt work wihout us. Stay positive mate and you've got brothers and friends on here all the time for you and for each other. ??

Thanks Sir, the support means a lot.

I've told her it can't continue tonight, I'm not prepared for her to live this double life where I get the rough end of the stick. I made it clear, if she continues down the path with him, the path with me gets shorter much quicker.

Spoke with my friend tonight, he has also been stung. He is right in that even if she were to come back, it has to be from a place not here as then the question of motive is gone. She tells she can't be without her baby but then still wants to go down that path.

I'm clearly not an option for her but she wants what I provide. Cant even give me a date when she will be gone. The crazy thing is, she tells me it was because I was stressed. She can't see her part in that, tells me she was worried for my health, then does this to me. All it needed was a conversation, instead she decided to transfer her dreams to another guy.

It feels like the faster I move, the more their issues become real.

 

[Earwigjoe]

Thanks Sir, the support means a lot.

I've told her it can't continue tonight, I'm not prepared for her to live this double life where I get the rough end of the stick. I made it clear, if she continues down the path with him, the path with me gets shorter much quicker.

Spoke with my friend tonight, he has also been stung. He is right in that even if she were to come back, it has to be from a place not here as then the question of motive is gone. She tells she can't be without her baby but then still wants to go down that path.

I'm clearly not an option for her but she wants what I provide. Cant even give me a date when she will be gone. The crazy thing is, she tells me it was because I was stressed. She can't see her part in that, tells me she was worried for my health, then does this to me. All it needed was a conversation, instead she decided to transfer her dreams to another guy.

It feels like the faster I move, the more their issues become real.

She wants the house mate , she wants everything you've worked hard for and more. She's trying to manipulate you and control you, she sees nothing wrong with her behaviour - worrying about a loved ones health results in a sitdown and conversation, not betrayal and an affair. Make sure you dont give up the house, get your rights known and then you can tell her whats happening whether you want to move on , but Knowing what rights you have and what she cant do will give you back control of your life and the situation that shes turned upside down. Its hard because you never wanted to do any of this we know but mate you really have to do this for you. ?