McBain
Player Valuation: £80m
Ment to entertain and not offend.
FADE IN : YOUTH ACADAMY H.Q
MOYES is PISSED. He LUNGS DOWN on a Cuban.
MOYES
Gaddamitt wise-ass enstien!! The jesus-mother of all soccer ball kicking games is this weekend!
NO2
Sir, your accent!
MOYES
Och! Thanks No2.
NO2
Sir.
MOYES
Yes No2?
NO2
You dont have a number 2.
MOYES
So who are you?
NO2
Im Tony Hibbert.
MOYES
And what do you do laddie?
LATER THAT DAY : BK's OFFICE
MOYES is visibly upset. BK sits behind a massive desk STAUNCHING MOYES OUT.
BK
Ok lay it on me, Ginger.
MOYES (gesticulating wildly)
I need more money. Gimme some more money you [Poor language removed]! IM FOOKIN SKINT!!
BK reaches for his wallet
BK
Busfare again? Christ get a ten tripper. As long as you work five days and dont go anywhere else youll be sweet.
MOYES
NO! Well yes but no! I wanna build a team...
(Stepping into spotlight)
Back when I was a wee laddie and we were so poor we lived under a single thistle, and we couldna afford eyeballs to watch football, I made a solemn promise build a super team of scientifically enhanced SUPER GRRRROKS, that could not only perform week in week out in the league, cup, internationals, former scottish players testimonials, but could also represent Scotland at the Olympics, five nations and finally kick down Hadrians wall and REIGN SUPREME DEATH...
BK
CUT CUT CUT!! GET OFF MY SET!!!
MOYES
WE REMPLIMENTED PUBLIC SCHOOLING before you sons of FRENCH Trannies knew the RIGHT SIDE of a haggis!
LATER THAT DAY : BK's OFFICE
BK is feeding the fish on his desk EERILY purring CATWOMAN like.
MOYES (forgetting his lines)
MONEY! GIVE me. Now.
BK
You know what I like about fish, Davie boy?
MOYES
They taste like fish fingers?
BK
No. They dont ASK ME FOR MONEY!!! Ever! They cant friggin talk man! Thier lips are all wrong!
MOYES
I must have my freaks you RICH OLD [Poor language removed]!
BK
AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
GRABS the fish tank over his head, HURLING it at MOYES HULK STYLE.
It SMASHES all over hapless MOYES and he's dead covered with FLAPPING Fish.
BK Stands over the corpse of MOYES straightening his suit.
BK
Not on my watch.
LATER THAT DAY - BK's OFFICE
BK and MOYES EYEBALL each other.
MOYES
Sweet jesus of the Shinty Pro League! Och Dont make me do this again!
BK
You dont have to. [Poor language removed]. I havent got any money. Ive got sixteen mortgages, seven loans and Im three solid gold caps from a bitchin set of grillz.
MOYES
So what? I am supposed to just sell my freckled UNSPOILT bottie on the streets?
MOYES and BK FRAME IN together in profile, BK tipping his specs ala every 80's hatching of a hair brained schemed between two best buds.
BK
You thinking what Im thinking?
MOYES
Where I can get testicle wax?
BK
No. Ive a cunning plan. A plan so cunning it would have Richard Curtis and Ben Elton on death row in Indonesia before anyone realises anything about Copyright Infringements.
MOYES
Great! Where do I play? Defense? mmmm long ball defense.
EVEN LATER STILL - THE LOOP
MOYES is dressed in a SEXY OUTFIT and WIG, thumbing for CUSTOMERS. BK is across the street, GIGGLING like a schoolgirl.
MOYES
I love the extra height Dianna Ferrari affords, but Im NOT SURE ABOUT THIS!
CAR ZOOMS PAST
CAR
****!!
BK (tittering)
Its ALRIGHT, sweetheart!! Sprinkle some SASS on it SUGAR!
BK's Mobile rings - Mel and Kim signature hit.
BK
Hey Sugar...
...Alan Sugar hows your money going? Mines great....yeah...no...zillions...yeah.... Space Station? Nah I picked up Trumps for cheap...
MOYES SPARKS up a FAG, but it cant LIGHT.
MOYES
Theyll never know the things we go through to sign these bastards.
A SOLID GOLD ZIPPO FLIPS OPEN and lights MOYES LUNG BUSTER.
MYSTERY VOICE
Hot enough for you?
MOYES pouts IMPRESSED but BATTING eyelids.
MOYES
Where I come from laddie...WE DONT JUST SMOKE...
MOYES RIPS OFF his wig revealing a SHOCK of Ginger knarled gorgeous MAYHEM.
MOYES (cont.)
...EVEN OUR PUBEYS ARE ON SO ON FIRE THEIR RED!! Kiss me Hansome stranger!
Cut to BK with MOYES PASHING/GROPING MYSTERY STRANGER in Background
BK
The MOON? Nah mate, bit too local for me... I like to really go Space, you know, thats why I bought the Kuiper Belt last year from Harvey Keitel.
MOYES and MYSTERY STRANGER jump into CONVIENIENTLY placed CAR and take off.
BK (Cont.)
Mistake? Tell me about it. Well the guys bleeding moons. He only just sold MARS in January you know....hang on a second...thats no moon...
NARRATOR
Will BK realise he's actually talking into his Wallet? Will Moyes make enough money to buy those Super Scots? And who is the mystery stranger who probably hasnt just been in the paper and is fresh in the Authors mind?? Tune in next time he has a creative overload and is way past his bedtime
FADE OUT
FADE IN : YOUTH ACADAMY H.Q
MOYES is PISSED. He LUNGS DOWN on a Cuban.
MOYES
Gaddamitt wise-ass enstien!! The jesus-mother of all soccer ball kicking games is this weekend!
NO2
Sir, your accent!
MOYES
Och! Thanks No2.
NO2
Sir.
MOYES
Yes No2?
NO2
You dont have a number 2.
MOYES
So who are you?
NO2
Im Tony Hibbert.
MOYES
And what do you do laddie?
LATER THAT DAY : BK's OFFICE
MOYES is visibly upset. BK sits behind a massive desk STAUNCHING MOYES OUT.
BK
Ok lay it on me, Ginger.
MOYES (gesticulating wildly)
I need more money. Gimme some more money you [Poor language removed]! IM FOOKIN SKINT!!
BK reaches for his wallet
BK
Busfare again? Christ get a ten tripper. As long as you work five days and dont go anywhere else youll be sweet.
MOYES
NO! Well yes but no! I wanna build a team...
(Stepping into spotlight)
Back when I was a wee laddie and we were so poor we lived under a single thistle, and we couldna afford eyeballs to watch football, I made a solemn promise build a super team of scientifically enhanced SUPER GRRRROKS, that could not only perform week in week out in the league, cup, internationals, former scottish players testimonials, but could also represent Scotland at the Olympics, five nations and finally kick down Hadrians wall and REIGN SUPREME DEATH...
BK
CUT CUT CUT!! GET OFF MY SET!!!
MOYES
WE REMPLIMENTED PUBLIC SCHOOLING before you sons of FRENCH Trannies knew the RIGHT SIDE of a haggis!
LATER THAT DAY : BK's OFFICE
BK is feeding the fish on his desk EERILY purring CATWOMAN like.
MOYES (forgetting his lines)
MONEY! GIVE me. Now.
BK
You know what I like about fish, Davie boy?
MOYES
They taste like fish fingers?
BK
No. They dont ASK ME FOR MONEY!!! Ever! They cant friggin talk man! Thier lips are all wrong!
MOYES
I must have my freaks you RICH OLD [Poor language removed]!
BK
AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
GRABS the fish tank over his head, HURLING it at MOYES HULK STYLE.
It SMASHES all over hapless MOYES and he's dead covered with FLAPPING Fish.
BK Stands over the corpse of MOYES straightening his suit.
BK
Not on my watch.
LATER THAT DAY - BK's OFFICE
BK and MOYES EYEBALL each other.
MOYES
Sweet jesus of the Shinty Pro League! Och Dont make me do this again!
BK
You dont have to. [Poor language removed]. I havent got any money. Ive got sixteen mortgages, seven loans and Im three solid gold caps from a bitchin set of grillz.
MOYES
So what? I am supposed to just sell my freckled UNSPOILT bottie on the streets?
MOYES and BK FRAME IN together in profile, BK tipping his specs ala every 80's hatching of a hair brained schemed between two best buds.
BK
You thinking what Im thinking?
MOYES
Where I can get testicle wax?
BK
No. Ive a cunning plan. A plan so cunning it would have Richard Curtis and Ben Elton on death row in Indonesia before anyone realises anything about Copyright Infringements.
MOYES
Great! Where do I play? Defense? mmmm long ball defense.
EVEN LATER STILL - THE LOOP
MOYES is dressed in a SEXY OUTFIT and WIG, thumbing for CUSTOMERS. BK is across the street, GIGGLING like a schoolgirl.
MOYES
I love the extra height Dianna Ferrari affords, but Im NOT SURE ABOUT THIS!
CAR ZOOMS PAST
CAR
****!!
BK (tittering)
Its ALRIGHT, sweetheart!! Sprinkle some SASS on it SUGAR!
BK's Mobile rings - Mel and Kim signature hit.
BK
Hey Sugar...
...Alan Sugar hows your money going? Mines great....yeah...no...zillions...yeah.... Space Station? Nah I picked up Trumps for cheap...
MOYES SPARKS up a FAG, but it cant LIGHT.
MOYES
Theyll never know the things we go through to sign these bastards.
A SOLID GOLD ZIPPO FLIPS OPEN and lights MOYES LUNG BUSTER.
MYSTERY VOICE
Hot enough for you?
MOYES pouts IMPRESSED but BATTING eyelids.
MOYES
Where I come from laddie...WE DONT JUST SMOKE...
MOYES RIPS OFF his wig revealing a SHOCK of Ginger knarled gorgeous MAYHEM.
MOYES (cont.)
...EVEN OUR PUBEYS ARE ON SO ON FIRE THEIR RED!! Kiss me Hansome stranger!
Cut to BK with MOYES PASHING/GROPING MYSTERY STRANGER in Background
BK
The MOON? Nah mate, bit too local for me... I like to really go Space, you know, thats why I bought the Kuiper Belt last year from Harvey Keitel.
MOYES and MYSTERY STRANGER jump into CONVIENIENTLY placed CAR and take off.
BK (Cont.)
Mistake? Tell me about it. Well the guys bleeding moons. He only just sold MARS in January you know....hang on a second...thats no moon...
NARRATOR
Will BK realise he's actually talking into his Wallet? Will Moyes make enough money to buy those Super Scots? And who is the mystery stranger who probably hasnt just been in the paper and is fresh in the Authors mind?? Tune in next time he has a creative overload and is way past his bedtime
FADE OUT
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