Percy, if you remortgage with the same bank/building society it can be done with no credit checks or provision of bank statements. Obviously you need to be able to afford it but this might give you scope to move to a less pressured job.
Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues
- Thread starter Groucho
- Start date
coollino
Player Valuation: £80m
I've been a bit worried I'd word this wrongly, so I hope it doesn't come across in a bad way
Are you using work to hide away/distract yourself from other troubles? It's just that you say working 6 days is a positive but from all you have said on this, it would feel an extra day is a negative
MrD
Player Valuation: £10m
Working too much can be a coping mechanism. You may not feel in control anywhere except work.
You have a definite self worth issue, i struggle with the same thing. Compliments mean nothing because i'm convinced i'm an awful person, so it feels more familiar to be criticised. It aligns with how i feel and the "confirmation" from someone else re-enforced the low opinion i have of myself.
Regardless of the reasons why, Booze and smoking won't help because that same person who ran the 5k's is still inside you and that's the real you. You don't have to go and hit the 5k's again but try and be kinder to yourself, slow down on the booze and start to enjoy a walk every day.
You're worth a lot more than you probably feel.
Percy one thing I learnt from divorce was I should have put more effort into my marriage.
My ex wife is well paid teacher and I'm a truck driver so between us we earned good money. But ultimately she got bored because I was working long hours away from home every week.
To cut a long story short I lost everything and I ended up in huge debt as well.
I've also tried and tried with my 20 year old daughter to have a good relationship but I've realised no matter what I do she isn't interested so I've not fallen out with her but I've backed off to virtually no communication.
I'm not happy about the situation because I was very close to her but she chose her mum and grand parents over me and I recognised that chasing her was going to make me ill or kill me if I didn't stop. Sometimes you have to put yourself first.
There's lots of people on here who will chat to you and help. Messy Mascots is also good for a catch up as well.
Hi Percy, having read the replies to your post, MrD summed it up for me "...be nicer to yourself..". Your very hard on yourself bud, and I believe you are setting yourself up to fail somewhat. You alluded to "600 work mates not judging you...." and because you mentioned it Im guessing it bothers you what they think. Your a little anxious because it sounds to me your bothered what other people think. Why is that? Your obviously a hard working man but give yourself a break Percy. Do you think you are putting too much weight, attributing too much importance or emphasis on what your colleagues think. It would be churlish not to think you shouldn't want to be well thought of by work mates, but its unhealthy to place such importance on it. With respect Percy, people have got too much going on in their own lives to really care about what your doing, or other colleagues. They have - like you - day to day life to deal with. You cant "grasp" the compliments because I suspect your thinking "yeh, if only you knew what was going on in my head" Q the beating yourself up.
Percy your current work life balance is not sustainable. Its just not. Drinking and smoking helping you "cope" , working six days a week and with my nurse hat on, as I alluded to, you're setting yourself up to fail. The money is nice but its got to be earned and you cant go on working like that. Google "work life balance, research from Japan". The Japanese have done some real gold standard research on working and its purported benefits. Its worth taking a look bud. Don't know the age of your daughter but they can be "temperamental " on occasions. If I was you, id sit down with the family, and tell them your concerned about your physical and mental health and were thinking about cutting down on your hours. Get the views of your partner, I'm sure they'll understand. Speak to your employer. Tell them your worries and stresses. I would like to think they will be supportive. As a father and partner Percy, you trying to provide security to your family is honourable but your entitled to be happy. There are no prizes for working yourself to death (see Japanese research I've alluded to). Prioritise your mental health Percy. Minimise wherever possible the things in life that cause you stress.
I suspect - know - that getting an appointment with the NHS is really difficult. Might I suggest investigating how much it would cost to see a therapist privately. I would like to think they would help you re focus, prioritise the things in your life you yourself feel you have been neglecting. On closing its not about "there's no helping me" . There are people out there who can help you HELP YOURSELF", to take back an element of control and instigate the things I suspect you know you need to do. Making the first step can be hard but its often the hardest step. Prioritise your mental health and let the people you love know you are struggling. Good luck fella, all the best.
Fella, it seems to me from an outsiders view point that you are competing against...yourself! You are clearly highly thought of but, for whatever reason, you seem to be looking for something which only you can define. Why can you just not step back a bit, see what you have achieved and be thankful that from a professional perspective you have achieved so much and clearly have very little else to prove to anyone.
As regards your offspring, just as long as you make them aware that your love for them is everlasting don't go pushing the envelope. Just make sure they know you are there for them come hell or high water. Kids can be hard work but you have to let them get on with life and be ready to pick up the pieces. That's what we do as parents even if it does cause us sleepless nights.
And fueling yourself with alcohol does not help in the long term. If anything, it will only add to the problem and give your kids a reason to not want to relate. It's hard, but I know.
Im so sorry for your loss. So sad x
Hey Percy, sorry to read you are feeling like that. Having been through a crappy period that my job was a significant contributor to, I think looking elsewhere is a smart move.
But I strongly recommend getting on the phone to your GP in the morning and explain how you're feeling. They may not have an immediate resolution but mine was instrumental in getting me to a better place. Of course, you have to be on board with any course of action (be it anti-depressants, being signed off work with stress or additional psychiatric evaluation for neurodiversity, as in my case).
Sorry to hear that. I don't think it's wrong to discuss your feelings and upset in here at all. He was your best mate, it's a shocker. Had similar happen with someone I worked closely with last year and it just bowled me for six.
One of those events that leaves one wondering about, well, everything.
Fwiw it sounds like he needs someone to tell him the truth.
That all sounds nuts, especially the visa stuff. Is this sort of thing out of character for your mate? Has he had a rough ride himself that is perhaps making him act a bit rashly?
Yes and no it's out of character. Yes because he isn't typically someone who puts himself at risk to help someone else (bit self-centred), but no because he can be incredibly naive about things. Like frustratingly daft and ignorant sometimes.
Not spoken at all since that blow up a few weeks ago, his 'wedding' has seemingly been and gone. Saw 1 or 2 social media posts from him, but they weren't about anything of interest. He has unfollowed me I've noticed.
I don't imagine we'll reconnect any time soon, if at all. I am missing him a bit admittedly, but I absolutely don't plan on reaching out. As far as I'm concerned I am the wrong party here, not him.
Rita_Poon
Player Valuation: £100m
Let the dust settle. Recrimination is not required. It always comes out in the wash.
Calm even tempered thoughts and actions. It's ok to be cool.
Fell out with my best mate myself.
Above all, you’ve got to have your morals and pride.
If you feel like you’ve been wronged you’ll eventually feel worse for backing down just because you miss someone. It’ll impact your self esteem and your relationship with your mate won’t be like it was before.
Just have to let it be. If he ever comes back and says he wants to chat or apologise then be open to it.
Until then, live your life.
My best mate decided to go off the grid with me halfway through my mrs pregnancy and the reasons he gave were beyond weak.
He couldn’t even be man enough to send me a message to say congrats on the baby when he was born.
When I eventually got i contact with him to ask why he was being like this all I got was how much of a rubbish friend I’ve been and no apology for how he’s acted.
As far as I’m concerned I want nothing to do with him anymore. Had my doubts about him for a long time, like you seem to have had with your mate, and all my suspicions have come true.
Sometimes the lads we’ve been mates with for a long time change for the worse.
It’s all part of the dance. A falling out with a very good mate is something most of us will have gone through.
You’re in the right. What he was asking of you was ridiculous.
BiggyRat
Player Valuation: £35m
Percy. I spent 17 years at my job, first one out of school. Married, mortgage, a 2 year old & one due in Months at the time it went belly up! We’re ahead in loan repayments & my wife had to return to work within a Month or so after number 2 arrived.
After 1 job in 17 years, I had 4 in 3 years. I was chasing the dollars! My fifth job got me on the Public Service gravy train, and I spent 11 years there. Saved the house, educated the kids, but after 11 years I finally realised what it cost me personally. I hated the job I was doing, I realised that it was all consuming and that I’d basically been an absent parent. I couldn’t see it at the time but geez, regret hits you square in the nuts when you look back!
I must stress that I’m the only one who sees it that way, the family is fine, but I can’t help but lament my choices. My wife and I are moving to the country & downsizing. We’re going to live within our means and work how WE want now. We made it through.
I share this as an example, not of a “success” or guide, but just that we all find ourselves wondering how T F we got to where we are now!
I’ve spent days juggling money in the account from savings to credit, all so we didn’t end up overdrawn. I’ve told a little person that I was too tired to play after work. I’ve declined invitations because there was no money to accept. Yeah, I’ve thought that there wasn’t much good about life too…
…but there is. You’re just not seeing it from where you are now. Keep the faith Brother. Do what needs to be done until a little bit of sunshine pokes through. It will come.
coollino
Player Valuation: £80m
Another incident with my friend at work, and I'm nearly at a loss of what to do now.
I was in the office with her, I went on lunch, came back to a group chat I have with her and the higher up manager. And she had written so much nonsensical stuff, and called my manager and spoke to him. My manager asked to check if she was ok, as he was worried about her (although it sounds like he knew she was drinking) then he spoke to HR to see if they could do a welfare check on her, they were in there for an hour. Then HR left for 20 mins for some reason
During that 20 minutes, she rang me on WhatsApp. Now I had absolutely no clue what was coming, so I stupidly answered at my desk. She then told me that she has been domestically abused for a year, and death threats made again , then I sort of legged it out the office cos I obviously didn't want anyone to hear anything I said back. She said HR noticed marks on her arms etc,she said no one knew about from me, I mentioned charities can help and that she needs to move back home .
She hung up when HR came back and obviously I was very shaken but assumed there is safeguarding for this, to an extent, and HR will help. The meeting ended, she might have still need a bit drunk as she text me and never really answered what I asked. Saying HR aren't helping etc, which I thought was really bad, obviously.
But the more I have been thinking about it, which is a fair bit. I've started to wonder if she didn't tell HR and she rang me in a panic to tell me, she had a long sleeve top on today so I don't think they may have noticed. She might know she may lose her job here and just wanted to tell me the reason
These are a few issues I have here:
1. I need to know if HR know, but how can I find that out without asking? I did kind of ask my friend it didn't make too much sense and it's just difficult
2. If they do know, are they meant to offer some kind of safeguarding.
3, which is the one I am most concerned about. What am I meant to do, if I am the only person that knows? Would it be wise to just tell work?
I was in the office with her, I went on lunch, came back to a group chat I have with her and the higher up manager. And she had written so much nonsensical stuff, and called my manager and spoke to him. My manager asked to check if she was ok, as he was worried about her (although it sounds like he knew she was drinking) then he spoke to HR to see if they could do a welfare check on her, they were in there for an hour. Then HR left for 20 mins for some reason
During that 20 minutes, she rang me on WhatsApp. Now I had absolutely no clue what was coming, so I stupidly answered at my desk. She then told me that she has been domestically abused for a year, and death threats made again , then I sort of legged it out the office cos I obviously didn't want anyone to hear anything I said back. She said HR noticed marks on her arms etc,she said no one knew about from me, I mentioned charities can help and that she needs to move back home .
She hung up when HR came back and obviously I was very shaken but assumed there is safeguarding for this, to an extent, and HR will help. The meeting ended, she might have still need a bit drunk as she text me and never really answered what I asked. Saying HR aren't helping etc, which I thought was really bad, obviously.
But the more I have been thinking about it, which is a fair bit. I've started to wonder if she didn't tell HR and she rang me in a panic to tell me, she had a long sleeve top on today so I don't think they may have noticed. She might know she may lose her job here and just wanted to tell me the reason
These are a few issues I have here:
1. I need to know if HR know, but how can I find that out without asking? I did kind of ask my friend it didn't make too much sense and it's just difficult
2. If they do know, are they meant to offer some kind of safeguarding.
3, which is the one I am most concerned about. What am I meant to do, if I am the only person that knows? Would it be wise to just tell work?
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