Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[wgtwiddle]

Last night I finally bit the bullet and told him I will not be his best man and that's he's making a mistake by rushing into this whole marriage idea. He's of course reacted badly and I think that's likely it for our friendship.

Short term, meh. Might be a bit bumpy. I say meh as it seems he's shown you little respect.

Long term, you'll have done what's right by you.

Just my take.

 

[EFCPaul]

He may have reacted badly as he knows you are right

He just said I've really hurt him and for that he doesn't want me as best man now, and that I shouldn't bother coming. Well yes... that is exactly what I was getting at.

It's just nonsense how selfish and daft he has acted towards me the past 6 or so months. Selfish for trying to guilt me into endorsing and going along with this. If he wants to marry someone he barely knows then he can, but expecting me to stand in front of a room of people bless it? And wear a non-traditonal outfit (for her sake) as well?

No. That's not asking loyalty from a friend, that's asking them to indulge your delusions and embarrass themselves along with you. I'm not doing this.

 

[Rita_Poon]

He just sakd should I've really hurt him and for that he doesn't want me as best man now, and that I shouldn't bother coming. Well yes... that is exactly what I was getting at.

It's just nonsense how selfish and daft he has acted towards me the past 6 or so months. Selfish for trying to guilt me into endorsing and going along with this. If he wants to marry someone he barely knows then he can, but expecting me to stand in front of a room of people bless it? And wear a non-traditonal outfit (for her sake) as well?

No. That's not asking loyalty from a friend, that's asking them to indulge your delusions and embarrass themselves along with you. I'm not doing this.

The decision is out in the open now, you've faced the worst of it. Try and relax, all the stress of the decision is done, hauling yourself over the coals is only prolonging the mither. Remember, because the decision has been so painful, there can never be an 'I told you so' (this aint an accusation, only a path to stay on the right side of approaching the problem in good faith). Maybe it works out, maybe it doesn't, you've been honest and can look yourself in the eye.

 

[Spotty]

Last night I finally bit the bullet and told him I will not be his best man and that's he's making a mistake by rushing into this whole marriage idea. He's of course reacted badly and I think that's likely it for our friendship.

We have hardly spoken the last couple of months. I've had things to contend with like my health battles and changing jobs. He's been doing whatever he's been doing. Then he messaged me last night, and he asked if I've been working on my speech? That really P'd me off, he hasn't been checking in with me to ask how I've been doing, hasn't told me anything about how the plans for the day itself, nor has he even sent out any official wedding invitations. It's supposed to be happening in 3 weeks! And I'm supposed to be his best man.

I replied with I don't know what kind of speech he is expecting since I barely know his bride-to-be (I've met her once) and the whole wedding is being so rushed. He said "just talk about how long we've known each other and how you wish us loads of success". I sort of lost my rag and just let him have it. Said I won't say any such thing because I'd feel ridiculous, that I barely know this person he wants me to least dveryone blessing, that the whole idea IMO is a mistake, and that he needs to ask someone else.

Without being whinger I have enough of my own problems at the moment than to be dealing with this nonsense delusion that he wants to pull me into.

You can still dispute not knowing her much, incorporate her in your speech. Being given the role of best man suggests to me that it would render your point of view as worthy of listening to. What would happen hypothetically, if in a short period of time his marriage fails and you disclose you never thought it was a good idea. He might say "you could have pipped up" as my best man. Surely the way you say it would be impactful. A sort of "you know I think the world of you but I've got something on my mind I need to disclose". Your still being supportive, aren't you. ? Your not refusing A friend is someone you can be hones.

 

[Tony Hibbert's Wife]

My mate topped himself on Friday. Known him since we were 11, best mates from about the age of 15 then we grew apart in our late 20s. We were pretty inseparable for much of the time until life got in the way. He moved to Canada and then we barely saw each other. Last time was about 8 years ago and it was like old times but then we didn't speak subsequently. Nothing wrong, we just had our own lives in different countries.

Got an urgent call from his brother yesterday saying my mate taken his own life on Friday. Left behind his wife and three kids (none of whom I've met). Apparently he'd been going through some pretty dark times. He'd always had a a dark side and had always been a heavy drinker that brought out a reckless side of him. That was true for both of us.

43 years old.

I don't know his life for the past few years and he's clearly been suffering so much he's taken the only option he saw, which is terrible. I don't know his family in Canada. Funeral is in Canada so I'll not be going as I'll not get the time off work.

Don't want to make his extremely sad death about me but, unlike when elderly family members have died, I'm really feeling it. Although I'm not sure how to feel. Could've done more to be there for him, support him maybe? Probably wouldn't have made a difference. Nobody in my life now knew him let alone knew 'us' as best mates. Nobody to share old stories with, talk about what a great bloke he was. Just platitudes. "I'm sorry". "That's awful". Yeh, it is awful, he was a prince and it's too [Poor language removed] soon.

Anyway. Just need to share for anyone suffering, reach out to your mates if you've got the strength. They're the ones who know you at your best and at your worst and are still there. No matter how long it's been your mates are always going to support you.

Chz.

 

[PKwalnuts]

My mate topped himself on Friday. Known him since we were 11, best mates from about the age of 15 then we grew apart in our late 20s. We were pretty inseparable for much of the time until life got in the way. He moved to Canada and then we barely saw each other. Last time was about 8 years ago and it was like old times but then we didn't speak subsequently. Nothing wrong, we just had our own lives in different countries.

Got an urgent call from his brother yesterday saying my mate taken his own life on Friday. Left behind his wife and three kids (none of whom I've met). Apparently he'd been going through some pretty dark times. He'd always had a a dark side and had always been a heavy drinker that brought out a reckless side of him. That was true for both of us.

43 years old.

I don't know his life for the past few years and he's clearly been suffering so much he's taken the only option he saw, which is terrible. I don't know his family in Canada. Funeral is in Canada so I'll not be going as I'll not get the time off work.

Don't want to make his extremely sad death about me but, unlike when elderly family members have died, I'm really feeling it. Although I'm not sure how to feel. Could've done more to be there for him, support him maybe? Probably wouldn't have made a difference. Nobody in my life now knew him let alone knew 'us' as best mates. Nobody to share old stories with, talk about what a great bloke he was. Just platitudes. "I'm sorry". "That's awful". Yeh, it is awful, he was a prince and it's too [Poor language removed] soon.

Anyway. Just need to share for anyone suffering, reach out to your mates if you've got the strength. They're the ones who know you at your best and at your worst and are still there. No matter how long it's been your mates are always going to support you.

Chz.

Awful that and another example of how no one gets closure when that happens. Poor family left behind to pick up the pieces with no chance of ever making sense of it. Feel for you, hits home what you said, even sharing something on here is worthwhile and you will have your memories regardless. Take care of you

 

[GrandOldTeam]

Managed to remove all ads from this thread except the one that sticks to the bottom of the screen on mobile for guests (struggling to remove that one). Replaced with a Samaritans ad.

 

[EFCPaul]

My mate topped himself on Friday. Known him since we were 11, best mates from about the age of 15 then we grew apart in our late 20s. We were pretty inseparable for much of the time until life got in the way. He moved to Canada and then we barely saw each other. Last time was about 8 years ago and it was like old times but then we didn't speak subsequently. Nothing wrong, we just had our own lives in different countries.

Got an urgent call from his brother yesterday saying my mate taken his own life on Friday. Left behind his wife and three kids (none of whom I've met). Apparently he'd been going through some pretty dark times. He'd always had a a dark side and had always been a heavy drinker that brought out a reckless side of him. That was true for both of us.

43 years old.

I don't know his life for the past few years and he's clearly been suffering so much he's taken the only option he saw, which is terrible. I don't know his family in Canada. Funeral is in Canada so I'll not be going as I'll not get the time off work.

Don't want to make his extremely sad death about me but, unlike when elderly family members have died, I'm really feeling it. Although I'm not sure how to feel. Could've done more to be there for him, support him maybe? Probably wouldn't have made a difference. Nobody in my life now knew him let alone knew 'us' as best mates. Nobody to share old stories with, talk about what a great bloke he was. Just platitudes. "I'm sorry". "That's awful". Yeh, it is awful, he was a prince and it's too [Poor language removed] soon.

Anyway. Just need to share for anyone suffering, reach out to your mates if you've got the strength. They're the ones who know you at your best and at your worst and are still there. No matter how long it's been your mates are always going to support you.

Chz.

Aww I'm very sorry to hear this mate. By the sounds of it there's nothing you could have done, clearly he was going through dark times but if he doesn't reach out, and you live so far apart that you don't physically see or hear about him, how were you at all to know? Please don't beat yourself up.

All I think you can realistically do is send a message to his grieving family in Canada, explaining who you are and how close two of you once were? Perhaps hearing about these old times will give comfort to his loved ones, especially the ones who probably don't know much about his life before his move? It may help you mentally too to share these nice memories. Just knowing you're someone they can reach out too if they'd like too I'm sure will mean a lot. When they're ready, learning more about that their dad, husband, friend, and how he had such a good pal back in England, no doubt be that would be a great comfort to them.

Please post again if you're own grief becomes too much.

 

[Bryan+]

I’m away at the moment. One of the most beautiful places I’ve ever visited in my life - California and feel as low as I’ve felt in a while. Doing this stuff alone was supposed to be a distraction- but all it’s done has amplify my loss.

I don’t think I’ll ever, ever get over what’s happened and I just have to concentrate on getting through each day.

 

[coollino]

I’m away at the moment. One of the most beautiful places I’ve ever visited in my life - California and feel as low as I’ve felt in a while. Doing this stuff alone was supposed to be a distraction- but all it’s done has amplify my loss.

I don’t think I’ll ever, ever get over what’s happened and I just have to concentrate on getting through each day.

You don't really have to 'get over' everything, maybe just try to get it at a more manageable place. May be less pressure that way too

 

[PercyPlant]

Been in my job for 4 years. Received fantastic reviews. I said in my interview that no wasn’t interested in compliments, I was interested in criticism, that was how I thought I could get better.

4 years ago I used to run, I ran 5k daily in sub 23mins. Today I couldn’t run 5k in an hour, I smoke 20 a day and drink to the point of blackout 3 times a week.

The truest word I ever spoke was that I wasn’t interested in compliments, I can’t grasp them, I only find the negatives. I can barely get a word out of my daughter anymore and my son is too young to know any different.

On the positive side I work 6 days a week to try and make sure the family is secure. But ultimately my determination for perfection at my workplace is now costing me, and will definitely cost me long term, if not sooner.

 

[PercyPlant]

The way of the world isn’t helping much either.

 

[COYBL25]

Been in my job for 4 years. Received fantastic reviews. I said in my interview that no wasn’t interested in compliments, I was interested in criticism, that was how I thought I could get better.

4 years ago I used to run, I ran 5k daily in sub 23mins. Today I couldn’t run 5k in an hour, I smoke 20 a day and drink to the point of blackout 3 times a week.

The truest word I ever spoke was that I wasn’t interested in compliments, I can’t grasp them, I only find the negatives. I can barely get a word out of my daughter anymore and my son is too young to know any different.

On the positive side I work 6 days a week to try and make sure the family is secure. But ultimately my determination for perfection at my workplace is now costing me, and will definitely cost me long term, if not sooner.

Acknowledging and admitting your problems are the first step to doing something about them.

You`ve already done that, have you thought about seeking professional help to help with guiding you and helping to put the next steps in place to get you started on the road to recovery ?

 

[PercyPlant]

Acknowledging and admitting your problems are the first step to doing something about it.

You`ve already done that, have you thought about seeking professional help to help with putting the next steps in place and get you started on the road to recovery ?

There’s no helping me. I’ve worked in a job where 600 people a week can easily judge me and they haven’t (or they have but only to praise) and now I’ve realised the praise will never be enough.

A lower salary job, less pressure is my route to freedom, it wouldn’t afford me the monies I’m currently squandering on things that will kill me and come with different pressures.

We bought our current house based on my salary and are due to remortgage soon, so will have to get that sorted first. There’s not much good about life.

 

[COYBL25]

There’s no helping me. I’ve worked in a job where 600 people a week can easily judge me and they haven’t (or they have but only to praise) and now I’ve realised the praise will never be enough.

A lower salary job, less pressure is my route to freedom, it wouldn’t afford me the monies I’m currently squandering on things that will kill me and come with different pressures.

We bought our current house based on my salary and are due to remortgage soon, so will have to get that sorted first. There’s not much good about life.

Health not wealth mate.

You`re no good to your family if you`re having a breakdown or worse.

From the inception of this thread all those years ago, there`s many many people who`ve been in the same or similar boat ( I was one of them ) and almost to a man or woman we`ve come out the other side.

All you can see now is no way out from the situation you`re in. Talking to someone will help give you support and coping strategies and most importantly, initially give you a chance to unburden yourself.

One of my old jobs made me very unwell and when I left due to what it was doing / had done to me, I took a financial hit of about 60% from the moment I left.

The brand new car had to go, the foreign holidays and weekends away went, the meals out went, but I came to realise, it`s just " stuff " and being " well" and feeling normal was much much more important than all of that.

There`s a lad who comes on here, @Spotty who is the guru with stuff like this ( he`s a professional ), he`s the man to guide you with all of this and point you in the right direction with regards to talking therapy.

Keep posting mate, as there`s loads of us on here who are regulars, who`ll all listen and try to offer help and advice.

" It`s always the darkest before the dawn "