Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[shackattack]

Reading some of the posts re splitting up with exes and feeling down and they are some of the most moving and humbling posts on here. I split up with mine 18 months back now. Got a small flat by the seaside, cut all ties especially re social media and am in a much better place now. Staying in a crap relationship because you cant face living alone is not the answer for sure. Respect yourself and others will too, sometimes you have to be selfish and put yourself first
I find walking by the sea, eating well, listening to some music, watching Everton occasionally even all lift the spirits. Life does get better you just have to believe it will. Kids are durable and eventually they see through the lies and deceit.

 

[MrD]

I've just had a message from my ex asking if i can have the baby on friday night as she is going out! It has knocked me back a bit if she's meeting a fella. I don't want anyone else to have her. FFS!

 

[Tipp blue]

I've just had a message from my ex asking if i can have the baby on friday night as she is going out! It has knocked me back a bit. I don't want anyone else to have her. FFS!

What's knocked you back the fact she's going out or that she's asked you to take the baby?

 

[Disgruntledgoat]

I've just had a message from my ex asking if i can have the baby on friday night as she is going out! It has knocked me back a bit. I don't want anyone else to have her. FFS!

You cant be that bad a father as she says then, can you?

 

[MrD]

What's knocked you back the fact she's going out or that she's asked you to take the baby?

Going out. If it's a date or she's met someone i'll b gutted. I know it'll happen at one point. It's pretty fast if it's a date.

You cant be that bad a father as she says then, can you?

If it's helping her meet a guy then i'm handy to have around i guess.

 

[Disgruntledgoat]

Good points and bad points today...

Finally got my finger out to get some of the state sponsored career counselling we have over here. I've hated my job forever and I cant face bouncing company to company thinking it will improve anymore... need to do something different.

My problem is that I've tried and failed at my dream jobs and I'm convinced theres no place in the working world for somebody like me who doesn't think in straight lines and is, bluntly, a bit of a weirdo. I have no idea what to do that I haven't already tried. Scary feeling.

 

[Tipp blue]

Going out. If it's a date or she's met someone i'll b gutted. I know it'll happen at one point. It's pretty fast if it's a date.
If it's helping her meet a guy then i'm handy to have around i guess.

It is quick if it's a date, obviously she hasn't told you what she's going to do, take the baby she obviously has more respect for you than she's let on if she's asking you to do that.

 

[Deleted member 38674]

Going out. If it's a date or she's met someone i'll b gutted. I know it'll happen at one point. It's pretty fast if it's a date.
If it's helping her meet a guy then i'm handy to have around i guess.

Got a good mate who's going through exactly this right now. Never easy to see your ex and mother of your child move on but you do have to accept that it's going to happen at some point and it's something you have absolutely no control over. She's not doing it to deliberately upset you. Whatever has gone on between you two is over and she has a right to a future without you, as do you without her. If you have any hopes of rekindling that in future, you need to nip them in the bud as soon as possible, because you'll find it impossible to move on while those feelings persist.

Right now, you two exist only as parents to your little one. You aren't friends yet (perhaps in future you can be) but as it's still pretty raw, you just need to maintain your distance and eliminate all contact that isn't about your child. It's very easy for that love that you had / have for her to become bitterness and resentment and, unless you get a handle on that, it will absolutely affect your ability to be a good Father to your child. There is a very thin line between love and hate. Kids are smart, they'll pick up on any lingering emotions Dad might have about Mum and vice versa.

Often the best way of 'getting over' a loved one is to simply force yourself to get to know others. It doesn't have to be anything serious, it doesn't even have to be a relationship. Just make an effort to mingle and put yourself out there, as uncomfortable as it may be - it's for your own good. Try to reconnect with old friends and go to the pub or around town or even join a walking / running club - something active.

 

[Kaiser Soysauce]

I've just had a message from my ex asking if i can have the baby on friday night as she is going out! It has knocked me back a bit if she's meeting a fella. I don't want anyone else to have her. FFS!

Don't overthink this mate. I used to come up with a million different scenarios too. A good friend of mine nicknamed it 'the tendrils of doubt'.

I know it's easy for me to say, but please try not to let something out of your control dictate what you are in control of. I've been where you are and just about came out the other end. But it gets better, much better. Keep your head up mate and focus on your little girl. Before you know it, you'll be back in a good place.

 

[MrD]

It is quick if it's a date, obviously she hasn't told you what she's going to do, take the baby she obviously has more respect for you than she's let on if she's asking you to do that.

No she didn't tell me what she's doing. Even if it's just going out with a friend she will get chatted up. Now she's single nothing stopping her.

Got a good mate who's going through exactly this right now. Never easy to see your ex and mother of your child move on but you do have to accept that it's going to happen at some point and it's something you have absolutely no control over. She's not doing it to deliberately upset you. Whatever has gone on between you two is over and she has a right to a future without you, as do you without her. If you have any hopes of rekindling that in future, you need to nip them in the bud as soon as possible, because you'll find it impossible to move on while those feelings persist.

Right now, you two exist only as parents to your little one. You aren't friends yet (perhaps in future you can be) but as it's still pretty raw, you just need to maintain your distance and eliminate all contact that isn't about your child. It's very easy for that love that you had / have for her to become bitterness and resentment and, unless you get a handle on that, it will absolutely affect your ability to be a good Father to your child. There is a very thin line between love and hate. Kids are smart, they'll pick up on any lingering emotions Dad might have about Mum and vice versa.

Often the best way of 'getting over' a loved one is to simply force yourself to get to know others. It doesn't have to be anything serious, it doesn't even have to be a relationship. Just make an effort to mingle and put yourself out there, as uncomfortable as it may be - it's for your own good. Try to reconnect with old friends and go to the pub or around town or even join a walking / running club - something active.

Thanks mate. Very wise words. I did have ideas of us getting back together originally but now i don't. I'm starting to dislike her and she has made it clear how she thinks of me. I know she will meet someone soon. It will happen and i'll have to deal with that. If i meet someone she will laugh and won't care one bit.

I do try to avoid contact with her about anything other than our little girl but on the lonely nights or when i get a bit horny i can't resist messaging her. It's always met with either anger or she just ignores them. I know i shouldn't do it. I really will have to stop if i can.

I think way too much. I find it easy to sit and think over everything and create the future in my head. It's always a bad future too and it does nothing but stresses me out and upsets me. I really was madly in love with her. I may not have always showed it to her but i did/do love her. Wish i could turn that and those feelings of regret and shame off forever.

Don't overthink this mate. I used to come up with a million different scenarios too. A good friend of mine nicknamed it 'the tendrils of doubt'.

I know it's easy for me to say, but please try not to let something out of your control dictate what you are in control of. I've been where you are and just about came out the other end. But it gets better, much better. Keep your head up mate and focus on your little girl. Before you know it, you'll be back in a good place.

Thanks mate. i know it'll get easier but i never think i'll get over her. especially because we have to remain in contact forever! I just wish i could have her back or if not just turn off my brain from over thinking.

She's so red hot too. If any of you lot saw her you'd all say the same.She was mine and i hate the thought of someone else touching her let alone making her happy. Anyway, i guess that type of talk is what i need to try and stop. I'm kinda putting her on a pedestal.

 

[Deleted member 38674]

I do try to avoid contact with her about anything other than our little girl but on the lonely nights or when i get a bit horny i can't resist messaging her. It's always met with either anger or she just ignores them. I know i shouldn't do it. I really will have to stop if i can.

Yeah, you need to stop that for your own sanity mate, 100%. On those lonely nights, get to the pub with a mate or even just set up a Tinder / Plenty Of Fish / Other dating site profile.

If nothing else you’ll be messaging one or two girls in no time and it will get your confidence up. Whether it comes to nothing or not, the whole point of meeting new people isn’t necessarily for you to move on and jump into a relationship - it is to help you to envisage and realise that there IS an infinite number of really exciting possible futures for you without this girl.

This girl that you’re so focused on, this girl who (as you say) you have on this pedestal will not always have this hold on you. I know you can’t see that now but I promise you it will change overnight and you won’t even realise it.

8 years I was with my ex in total. Childhood sweethearts, we lost our virginities to each other. We split up for a couple of years at 20 and got back together again. We travelled the world together and I spoiled her. Was preparing to propose to her when, after 4 years, suddenly she ended it. I was heartbroken.

6 months or so after that, I met a girl at work and, after 5 years together, I married her in July. In all honesty, as I sit here now I can’t even picture my ex’s face some days. I haven’t spoken to her since, I can’t remember any of the funny memories or little “in” jokes that everyone has in relationships. I can’t remember what she sounds like. It’s weird how someone who was once my world, who I genuinely thought i’d spend the rest of my days with, is now so utterly insignificant. And I can say truthfully, i’ve felt that way for at least a couple of years.

Now, in your case, your ex is also your baby’s Mum so she’ll be on the scene a lot more and it will be impossible to forget her completely but I promise you it can and will happen.

 

[MrD]

Yeah, you need to stop that for your own sanity mate, 100%. On those lonely nights, get to the pub with a mate or even just set up a Tinder / Plenty Of Fish / Other dating site profile.

If nothing else you’ll be messaging one or two girls in no time and it will get your confidence up. Whether it comes to nothing or not, the whole point of meeting new people isn’t necessarily for you to move on and jump into a relationship - it is to help you to envisage and realise that there IS an infinite number of really exciting possible futures for you without this girl.

This girl that you’re so focused on, this girl who (as you say) you have on this pedestal will not always have this hold on you. I know you can’t see that now but I promise you it will change overnight and you won’t even realise it.

8 years I was with my ex in total. Childhood sweethearts, we lost our virginities to each other. We split up for a couple of years at 20 and got back together again. We travelled the world together and I spoiled her. Was preparing to propose to her when, after 4 years, suddenly she ended it. I was heartbroken.

6 months or so after that, I met a girl at work and, after 5 years together, I married her in July. In all honesty, as I sit here now I can’t even picture my ex’s face some days. I haven’t spoken to her since, I can’t remember any of the funny memories or little “in” jokes that everyone has in relationships. I can’t remember what she sounds like. It’s weird how someone who was once my world, who I genuinely thought i’d spend the rest of my days with, is now so utterly insignificant. And I can say truthfully, i’ve felt that way for at least a couple of years.

Now, in your case, your ex is also your baby’s Mum so she’ll be on the scene a lot more and it will be impossible to forget her completely but I promise you it can and will happen.

Thanks for that mate. You do speak sense. I know i'll be ok. It's just the heart break in the mean time i can't stand. Wish i was like her. It's over and she's made up.

She has many flaws. Has said some awful things to me over the years. I may have messed things up but i should remember that she was also in the relationship and didn't do much to fix things either. I will get better. I suppose the sooner she meets someone else and has a new relationship the sooner i can move on too.

also, a few ex girlfriends from the past i had, i can't even remember their name or what the hell they even looked like hehe!

 

[Tipp blue]

Dark evenings drawing in, linked to poor mental health in some.. getting out in daylight is very good for you. https://www.thejournal.ie/readme/ways-to-help-mental-health-4826419-Oct2019/

 

[MrD]

On those lonely nights, get to the pub with a mate or even just set up a Tinder / Plenty Of Fish / Other dating site profile.

So I had a look at tinder. Didn't know much about it apart from people hooking up. No idea how it works and everything seems hidden behind pay walls. Few women have "liked" me but can't see them.

That's the end of that!

 

[YoboCopter]

So I had a look at tinder. Didn't know much about it apart from people hooking up. No idea how it works and everything seems hidden behind pay walls. Few women have "liked" me but can't see them.

That's the end of that!

Ya dont have to pay tbh, just click who you like if they like you, then its a match..

The paying makes it “easier” in effect but not needed

Only makes it easier because you know who likes ya before u decide on them..

Its easy tinder if ya not ugly like