Joke thread
- Thread starter monty
- Start date
- Status
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began His round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a Terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished Your round of golf didn't you!
"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed The doctor snickered and said, "Just [Poor language removed] with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a Terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished Your round of golf didn't you!
"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed The doctor snickered and said, "Just [Poor language removed] with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
monty
Sack Sky and donate to GOT...donations are needed
:huh:
monty
Sack Sky and donate to GOT...donations are needed
Does this sound familiar?!!
> WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
> (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
> To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
> grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make
> you
> chuckle.
>
> Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the
> thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
>
> After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
>
> And the first thing he said was
> "DON'T!"
> "Don't what?" Adam replied.
> "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
> "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
> Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"
> "No Way!"
> "Yes way!"
> "Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.
>
> "Why?"
> "Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He
> hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
>
> A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was
> ticked!
>
> "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.
> "Uh huh," Adam replied.
> "Then why did you? " said the Father.
>
> "I don't know," said Eve.
> "She started it! " Adam said.
> "Did not! "
> "Did too! "
> "DID NOT! "
> Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
> should have children of their own.
>
> Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
>
> If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and
> they
> haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
>
> If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a
> piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
>
> 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and
> talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut
> up.
> 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
> 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
> 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
> word
> what you shouldn't have said.
> 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself
> that
> there are children more awful than your own.
> 6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
> ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
>
> Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
> AND FINALLY:
> IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
> DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
> "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
>
> WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
> (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
> To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
> grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make
> you
> chuckle.
>
> Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the
> thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
>
> After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
>
> And the first thing he said was
> "DON'T!"
> "Don't what?" Adam replied.
> "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
> "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
> Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"
> "No Way!"
> "Yes way!"
> "Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.
>
> "Why?"
> "Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He
> hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
>
> A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was
> ticked!
>
> "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.
> "Uh huh," Adam replied.
> "Then why did you? " said the Father.
>
> "I don't know," said Eve.
> "She started it! " Adam said.
> "Did not! "
> "Did too! "
> "DID NOT! "
> Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
> should have children of their own.
>
> Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
>
> If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and
> they
> haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
>
> If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a
> piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
>
> 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and
> talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut
> up.
> 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
> 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
> 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
> word
> what you shouldn't have said.
> 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself
> that
> there are children more awful than your own.
> 6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
> ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
>
> Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
> AND FINALLY:
> IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
> DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
> "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
>
SuitsBlue
Player Valuation: £50m
little watching scout had been surveying the area for his chief, he came back to camp to report
little scout - "oh chief sitting bull, i have been scouting the local area and i bring good and bad news"
chief - "let me have the bad news first"
scout - "oh chief, an estate of kopites has moved in next door to us"
chief - "oh dear, that is terrible news, we must have sinned against the gods, tell me little scout, what is the good news?"
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scout "they taste like buffalo"
little scout - "oh chief sitting bull, i have been scouting the local area and i bring good and bad news"
chief - "let me have the bad news first"
scout - "oh chief, an estate of kopites has moved in next door to us"
chief - "oh dear, that is terrible news, we must have sinned against the gods, tell me little scout, what is the good news?"
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scout "they taste like buffalo"
monty
Sack Sky and donate to GOT...donations are needed
THE LOVE STORY OF KEITH (Shabs) AND EDNA
>
>
> REMEMBER: Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want
>
> them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have........
>
>Keith and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
>
> were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Keith suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
>
> Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Keith out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
> considered her to be mentally stable.
>
> When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good
>
> news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you
>
> were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the
>
> life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound
>
> mindedness.
>
>The bad news is Keith hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
>
> right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
>
>
> Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
>
> "How soon can I go home?"
>
>
>
> REMEMBER: Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want
>
> them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have........
>
>Keith and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
>
> were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Keith suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
>
> Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Keith out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
> considered her to be mentally stable.
>
> When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good
>
> news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you
>
> were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the
>
> life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound
>
> mindedness.
>
>The bad news is Keith hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
>
> right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
>
>
> Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
>
> "How soon can I go home?"
>
monty
Sack Sky and donate to GOT...donations are needed
A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Chico was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
So, you finish?". She paused for a second,frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Chico reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Chico smiles and asks, "You finish?".
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Chico reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Chico falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,
"No, I Norwegian".
So, you finish?". She paused for a second,frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Chico reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Chico smiles and asks, "You finish?".
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Chico reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Chico falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,
"No, I Norwegian".
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