KevMirallas
Player Valuation: £35m
Whisper it, and keep those chickens of yours entirely uncounted, but Everton might just be on the way back up.
After a month and a bit spent moving from rock bottom, to rock bottomer to rock bottomest, the despair has lifted just that little bit. And it's come in typical Everton fashion - socks rolled up, elbows all greasy and fighting like ants over breadcrumbs in front of a snarling Goodison. We'd almost forgotten what that looked like.
It was mostly pleasing to us dig in and have a crack once we'd gone behind for a change after spending most of the season bent and spread as soon as our first defensive balls up inevitably resulted in a goal. Naturally it would just be easier not to concede in the first place, but then it just wouldn't be Everton. You've got to want to tear your limbs from their sockets and beat yourself to death with them before you're allowed any happiness with this club, and that's just how we like it.
The City game was worth more to the team than the measly point it provided, and there's no doubt it was the best Everton showing for quite some time. Whether you believe the players stormed Martinez's door down, tied him to a chair and threw all his tactics books out a window or not, it's clear there is some sort of decent work being done behind the scenes. Or maybe he's lost the dressing room like. Or maybe he's been replaced by a Colombian body double and the team is now spending most of its time trafficking all sorts. I don't really care, to be honest, as long as Everton are boss.
And yet, for all the promising signs, still no wins. Which is why, instead of enjoying a nice relaxing Tuesday night with the boss Everton you made on FIFA, we get to fret over an FA Cup replay against the apparently reborn West Ham. And I can't emphasise enough how quickly I will forget about the good feelings in my head after the City game if and when the Blues balls this one up. I'm getting riled up just thinking about it FFS.
The truth is, there is stuff all to fear in this West Ham team, and we've proved that already this season. Sam Allardyce, his cheeks and man boobs growing closer together by the day, has turned those fickle bubble blowers' opinions around quicker than, well, most of you lot with our own manager. Six months ago he was the embodiment of the anti-football, and now he's the obese Mourinho. Bloody football, it makes no sense.
Dunno how similar the team on Tuesday will be to that of last week, especially considering most of the eleven played in a 1-1 draw with Swansea on Saturday. The permanently-tainted Andy Carrol played in that one and scored too, so I assume the pony-tailed kopite grock will be up front for this one. Their other change was to bring in James Tomkins, best known now for embarrassing himself in the league tie by being a little snidey weapon and trying to get Mirallas sent off. One of many players in this West Ham team that like to think they are dead hard, but will pack themselves at the mere sight of a confrontation. How was that Cresswell fella hiding behind the ref while Besic gave him the "you don't understand who you are threatening here, lad" eye? No doubt the horses head in his bed will have him straightened out for this one.
Winston Reid is off to Arsenal in the summer apparently despite being heavily limited by the fact he's from New Zealand, while I'm still smarting that we let that James Collins score against us. The midfield is packed with utter beauts such as Noble and Nolan, while Stewart Downing has somewhat shaken off the kopite stench to become not quite as useless as he once was. He troubled us at Goodison, no question. Enner Valencia is up front, but fortunately the league version and not the World Cup version and Joel 2.0, Adrian, is in goals. Scared? Me either.
How's about the Blue corner? Guessing an Everton team has been close to impossible this season with Martinez's lucky dip resulting in strikers as wingers, left-backs as midfielders and Sylvain Distin on the pitch, and off another short break this team could be anything.
John Stones has to be a certainty, and what a beautiful certainty he is. The defence looked infinitely better upon his arrival, and should results stay poor and Martinez get the arse, I wouldn't be against instating him in a player-manager role. Or just make him chairman. Better yet, send him to the middle east to sort all of that nonsense out. He'll calmly take down those ISIS flags and have them playing forward towards democracy in no time.
He will be partnered by Jagielka, who has been pants for the most part. Second half against City was better though, he just needs to remember how to control his own legs. Wouldn't be surprised if Oviedo or Garbutt get a crack ahead of Baines - now officially the most creative defender in Premier League history, so pipe down you flavour of the month full-back lovers. Keiran Gibbs FFS - but Coleman will be at RB. He got forward better against City too, but seems to have forgotten how to dribble. Naturally, that's because United have turned his head and he will be off to spit on the Everton crest in no time. Not because he's battled injury all season. No way.
Mo Besic is a handsome devil who I love very dearly, and he'll surely keep his spot in midfield as James McCarthy probably won't be ready. Gareth Barry will probably partner him again, which will be a good thing for 70 per cent of the match until Downing breezes past him for West Ham's second and we all verbally ship him off to the MLS. Naismith will play and will run like buggery and compete for everything in the air. He's no David Silva, but we need him to do the ugly stuff. Mirallas was held off against City so he will start which is good, and I'm tipping Eto'o to get a game ahead of Barkley. Not for any particular reason, just because it seems like something Martinez would do.
Lukaku will probably start up front, which is excellent because his comparisons to Stracqualursi are now complimentary and he slots for fun against West Ham. He may be a bit tired though after putting in two serious shifts in a week, and the news of Junior Malanda's death will have understandably shaken him up. I hope he's up to playing, but could understand if he is not.
Joel will be in goals, still don't know if he's any good or not. And that's Everton, give or take most of the side.
Over the past month, every game has been the crucial one or the turning point or whatever, so I guess this one is too. Next weekend's West Brom game might have slightly larger implications, but it's 20 years now since we last sank copious fizz out of this storied old trophy and that's way too long. Everton has good recent memories of replays, of Jelavic at Sunderland or Gosling against the RS, so why not make another one?
Stuff the turning points, just win. And then keep winning until they are scratching our name on the cup.
After a month and a bit spent moving from rock bottom, to rock bottomer to rock bottomest, the despair has lifted just that little bit. And it's come in typical Everton fashion - socks rolled up, elbows all greasy and fighting like ants over breadcrumbs in front of a snarling Goodison. We'd almost forgotten what that looked like.
It was mostly pleasing to us dig in and have a crack once we'd gone behind for a change after spending most of the season bent and spread as soon as our first defensive balls up inevitably resulted in a goal. Naturally it would just be easier not to concede in the first place, but then it just wouldn't be Everton. You've got to want to tear your limbs from their sockets and beat yourself to death with them before you're allowed any happiness with this club, and that's just how we like it.
The City game was worth more to the team than the measly point it provided, and there's no doubt it was the best Everton showing for quite some time. Whether you believe the players stormed Martinez's door down, tied him to a chair and threw all his tactics books out a window or not, it's clear there is some sort of decent work being done behind the scenes. Or maybe he's lost the dressing room like. Or maybe he's been replaced by a Colombian body double and the team is now spending most of its time trafficking all sorts. I don't really care, to be honest, as long as Everton are boss.
And yet, for all the promising signs, still no wins. Which is why, instead of enjoying a nice relaxing Tuesday night with the boss Everton you made on FIFA, we get to fret over an FA Cup replay against the apparently reborn West Ham. And I can't emphasise enough how quickly I will forget about the good feelings in my head after the City game if and when the Blues balls this one up. I'm getting riled up just thinking about it FFS.
The truth is, there is stuff all to fear in this West Ham team, and we've proved that already this season. Sam Allardyce, his cheeks and man boobs growing closer together by the day, has turned those fickle bubble blowers' opinions around quicker than, well, most of you lot with our own manager. Six months ago he was the embodiment of the anti-football, and now he's the obese Mourinho. Bloody football, it makes no sense.
Dunno how similar the team on Tuesday will be to that of last week, especially considering most of the eleven played in a 1-1 draw with Swansea on Saturday. The permanently-tainted Andy Carrol played in that one and scored too, so I assume the pony-tailed kopite grock will be up front for this one. Their other change was to bring in James Tomkins, best known now for embarrassing himself in the league tie by being a little snidey weapon and trying to get Mirallas sent off. One of many players in this West Ham team that like to think they are dead hard, but will pack themselves at the mere sight of a confrontation. How was that Cresswell fella hiding behind the ref while Besic gave him the "you don't understand who you are threatening here, lad" eye? No doubt the horses head in his bed will have him straightened out for this one.
Winston Reid is off to Arsenal in the summer apparently despite being heavily limited by the fact he's from New Zealand, while I'm still smarting that we let that James Collins score against us. The midfield is packed with utter beauts such as Noble and Nolan, while Stewart Downing has somewhat shaken off the kopite stench to become not quite as useless as he once was. He troubled us at Goodison, no question. Enner Valencia is up front, but fortunately the league version and not the World Cup version and Joel 2.0, Adrian, is in goals. Scared? Me either.
How's about the Blue corner? Guessing an Everton team has been close to impossible this season with Martinez's lucky dip resulting in strikers as wingers, left-backs as midfielders and Sylvain Distin on the pitch, and off another short break this team could be anything.
John Stones has to be a certainty, and what a beautiful certainty he is. The defence looked infinitely better upon his arrival, and should results stay poor and Martinez get the arse, I wouldn't be against instating him in a player-manager role. Or just make him chairman. Better yet, send him to the middle east to sort all of that nonsense out. He'll calmly take down those ISIS flags and have them playing forward towards democracy in no time.
He will be partnered by Jagielka, who has been pants for the most part. Second half against City was better though, he just needs to remember how to control his own legs. Wouldn't be surprised if Oviedo or Garbutt get a crack ahead of Baines - now officially the most creative defender in Premier League history, so pipe down you flavour of the month full-back lovers. Keiran Gibbs FFS - but Coleman will be at RB. He got forward better against City too, but seems to have forgotten how to dribble. Naturally, that's because United have turned his head and he will be off to spit on the Everton crest in no time. Not because he's battled injury all season. No way.
Mo Besic is a handsome devil who I love very dearly, and he'll surely keep his spot in midfield as James McCarthy probably won't be ready. Gareth Barry will probably partner him again, which will be a good thing for 70 per cent of the match until Downing breezes past him for West Ham's second and we all verbally ship him off to the MLS. Naismith will play and will run like buggery and compete for everything in the air. He's no David Silva, but we need him to do the ugly stuff. Mirallas was held off against City so he will start which is good, and I'm tipping Eto'o to get a game ahead of Barkley. Not for any particular reason, just because it seems like something Martinez would do.
Lukaku will probably start up front, which is excellent because his comparisons to Stracqualursi are now complimentary and he slots for fun against West Ham. He may be a bit tired though after putting in two serious shifts in a week, and the news of Junior Malanda's death will have understandably shaken him up. I hope he's up to playing, but could understand if he is not.
Joel will be in goals, still don't know if he's any good or not. And that's Everton, give or take most of the side.
Over the past month, every game has been the crucial one or the turning point or whatever, so I guess this one is too. Next weekend's West Brom game might have slightly larger implications, but it's 20 years now since we last sank copious fizz out of this storied old trophy and that's way too long. Everton has good recent memories of replays, of Jelavic at Sunderland or Gosling against the RS, so why not make another one?
Stuff the turning points, just win. And then keep winning until they are scratching our name on the cup.
