RFUS
Anustart
Unfortunately this is in world football because as we know, we'll be sitting out the opening round of the season. FFS KENWRONG.
Anyway, we're fans of football and not just fans of Everton, right? Right? So we can still enjoy the fuzball.
Saturday
KFC vs BREAK HIS LEG FFS Wanderers - Possibly the most boring fixture I've ever seen. The utterly gash Blackburn, now owned by the hilariously embarrassing Venky's, open their season at home to Mick McCarthy's golden-clad rugby blerts. Both teams have made a few signings this window. Blackburn most notably have signed David Goodwillie, who was recently cleared of a rape charge. I'd make a David Badwillie joke here but I already used that one the other week. Boo. Wolves have signed LCAB favourite Jamie O'Hara, as well as Brumingham stalwart Roger Johnson. I predict a 1-1 draw or something suitably dreary.
GOT JOL IN FC vs Damon FC - A more exciting match here. Fulham have a more attacking manager in Martin "GET JOL IN" Jol and have made a few small signings to strengthen their good squad. With Andy "£11 million is a great deal, lids, defo" Johnson fit and raring to go, as well as Moussa Dembele and Clit Dempsey, they've got an overwhelmingly slightly-better-than-average strikeforce for Jol to command. They've also signed John Arne Riise, who after 'that' own goal is probably more of an Everton favourite than a Liverpool one. He'll probably start. Aston Villa on the other hand have lost two of their best players, and a boss keeper. They've more than replaced Friedel though in Super Shay Given. However they have not replaced Young and Downing sufficiently enough, despite signing Charles N'Zogbia. Who could have been an Everton player... oh well. I predict an open game and a 2-2 draw.
RS vs The Manchester United Reserves - The big spenders of the summer, and biggest blerts of all time, start their title winning season at home to Steve Bruce's Sunderland. The latter of which have signed about 50 gash United players this summer. Steve sure loves doing his old gaffer favours. I'm hoping for another balloon incident, but I suspect Liverpool will win and add fuel to the perpetual "this is going to be our season, lar" fire. 2-1 Liverpool.
QPR vs 14th place lol! Wanderers- We'll be opening our season next week at home to QPR -- who I don't know enough about to give a funny name ffs -- so it will be interesting to see how they fare against this strong Bolton side, who have signed some world class talent this summer in Chris Eagles and Nigel Reo-Coker. C.Y. Lee is injured sadly, after a blertish challenge in a friendly -- something we can definitely empathise with. Stu Holden is highly rated but currently out injured. I fancy QPR to surprise a few people this year and I'm going to go for a 3-1 win for the home side. So expect Bolton to bum them.
Pies Athletic vs Delia Smith FC - Well they've finally sold N'Zogbia haven't they? What else is there to say? They're going doooooooown. Norwich on the other hand are good side all round and could again surprise some people. Vaughany is of course now at Norwich, but I think he's injured. Well actually I have no idea, I'm just assuming he is. 1-2 to Norwich.
Barcode Blerts United vs Le Arse - I'm tipping the Geordie bells to go down this year, as they've lost Nolan, Carroll, Enrique, potentially Barton and definitely the plot. They did sign Everton target Demba Ba, and Hatem or Loveim Ben Arfa is fit once again, after scoring a boss goal to embarrass us last season. They've also signed Gabriel Obertan from United, but I suspect he won't do much, as he looks a bit gash. Arsenal have lost/are about to lose the rat-faced Fabregas and the shrew-faced Nasri but don't worry gooney lid, you've spent £12 million on a league 1 player with an equally hideous face. Still, even though their ship is rocking (sinking?) they should be able to flatten the barcodes. I hope. 1-2 Arsenal.
Sunday
Longball City featuring Jermaine Pennant vs The Original Oligarch FC - Stoke have done little business this summer, bringing in Jonathan Woodgate from Spuds and Matthew Upson from West Ham. Personally I'd rather massage my scrotum with a cheese grater than sign Upson, but whatever. As for Chelsea, it will be their first league game under "Jose Jr", in a summer where they haven't signed too many players of note. They have however, signed Belgian wonderkid Romelu Lukaku; dubbed the "new Drogba". Aged only 14 and standing at 7'4", he's a fierce proposition. Anywho, I can see Stoke surprising peeps here and earning a hard-fought point. 0-0 for me.
Baggy Face's Baggies vs #20 - WBA have been fairly active in the window. Their biggest buy is of course Reading's Shane Long, who after one season in the second tier of English football being not completely gash has somehow warranted a £7 million price tag and the title of "World Class" from his former chairman. I assume the same chairman refers to Messi as "Outer-Dimensional Class" and Shola Ameobi as "Continental Class". Their opponents on the opening day are non other than last season's champions, and EFCNIK's second team, Manchester United. On course for title numero veinte, they've been busy this summer, signing David De Gea, Phil Jones and Ashley Ultrasnide Young, all for large fees. I watched them in the community shield and Young, Rooney and Nani all played scintillating, sexually-stimulating, super football. They are surely the favourites for the title and I expect them to get off to a flying start. 1-3 to UTD.
Monday
Mercenary City vs Wales - City's main buys this summer have been Gael Clichy and Sergio Aguero -- both who I think are overrated, to be honest -- and it looks like the aforementioned shrew-face, Samir Nasri, is set to join their ranks. Woooo. Swansea meanwhile are the first Welsh team to play in the prem -- not the top flight, just the premiership, as Artetafan will be happy to remind you. I'm quite looking forward to their input this year. The novelty of a Welsh team should be a bit of fun, and they're a good side to boot. I think they'll give it a go but I suspect City's attacking ability and sheer number of options will win out. 1-3 to citteh.
Anyway, we're fans of football and not just fans of Everton, right? Right? So we can still enjoy the fuzball.
Saturday
KFC vs BREAK HIS LEG FFS Wanderers - Possibly the most boring fixture I've ever seen. The utterly gash Blackburn, now owned by the hilariously embarrassing Venky's, open their season at home to Mick McCarthy's golden-clad rugby blerts. Both teams have made a few signings this window. Blackburn most notably have signed David Goodwillie, who was recently cleared of a rape charge. I'd make a David Badwillie joke here but I already used that one the other week. Boo. Wolves have signed LCAB favourite Jamie O'Hara, as well as Brumingham stalwart Roger Johnson. I predict a 1-1 draw or something suitably dreary.
GOT JOL IN FC vs Damon FC - A more exciting match here. Fulham have a more attacking manager in Martin "GET JOL IN" Jol and have made a few small signings to strengthen their good squad. With Andy "£11 million is a great deal, lids, defo" Johnson fit and raring to go, as well as Moussa Dembele and Clit Dempsey, they've got an overwhelmingly slightly-better-than-average strikeforce for Jol to command. They've also signed John Arne Riise, who after 'that' own goal is probably more of an Everton favourite than a Liverpool one. He'll probably start. Aston Villa on the other hand have lost two of their best players, and a boss keeper. They've more than replaced Friedel though in Super Shay Given. However they have not replaced Young and Downing sufficiently enough, despite signing Charles N'Zogbia. Who could have been an Everton player... oh well. I predict an open game and a 2-2 draw.
RS vs The Manchester United Reserves - The big spenders of the summer, and biggest blerts of all time, start their title winning season at home to Steve Bruce's Sunderland. The latter of which have signed about 50 gash United players this summer. Steve sure loves doing his old gaffer favours. I'm hoping for another balloon incident, but I suspect Liverpool will win and add fuel to the perpetual "this is going to be our season, lar" fire. 2-1 Liverpool.
QPR vs 14th place lol! Wanderers- We'll be opening our season next week at home to QPR -- who I don't know enough about to give a funny name ffs -- so it will be interesting to see how they fare against this strong Bolton side, who have signed some world class talent this summer in Chris Eagles and Nigel Reo-Coker. C.Y. Lee is injured sadly, after a blertish challenge in a friendly -- something we can definitely empathise with. Stu Holden is highly rated but currently out injured. I fancy QPR to surprise a few people this year and I'm going to go for a 3-1 win for the home side. So expect Bolton to bum them.
Pies Athletic vs Delia Smith FC - Well they've finally sold N'Zogbia haven't they? What else is there to say? They're going doooooooown. Norwich on the other hand are good side all round and could again surprise some people. Vaughany is of course now at Norwich, but I think he's injured. Well actually I have no idea, I'm just assuming he is. 1-2 to Norwich.
Barcode Blerts United vs Le Arse - I'm tipping the Geordie bells to go down this year, as they've lost Nolan, Carroll, Enrique, potentially Barton and definitely the plot. They did sign Everton target Demba Ba, and Hatem or Loveim Ben Arfa is fit once again, after scoring a boss goal to embarrass us last season. They've also signed Gabriel Obertan from United, but I suspect he won't do much, as he looks a bit gash. Arsenal have lost/are about to lose the rat-faced Fabregas and the shrew-faced Nasri but don't worry gooney lid, you've spent £12 million on a league 1 player with an equally hideous face. Still, even though their ship is rocking (sinking?) they should be able to flatten the barcodes. I hope. 1-2 Arsenal.
Sunday
Longball City featuring Jermaine Pennant vs The Original Oligarch FC - Stoke have done little business this summer, bringing in Jonathan Woodgate from Spuds and Matthew Upson from West Ham. Personally I'd rather massage my scrotum with a cheese grater than sign Upson, but whatever. As for Chelsea, it will be their first league game under "Jose Jr", in a summer where they haven't signed too many players of note. They have however, signed Belgian wonderkid Romelu Lukaku; dubbed the "new Drogba". Aged only 14 and standing at 7'4", he's a fierce proposition. Anywho, I can see Stoke surprising peeps here and earning a hard-fought point. 0-0 for me.
Baggy Face's Baggies vs #20 - WBA have been fairly active in the window. Their biggest buy is of course Reading's Shane Long, who after one season in the second tier of English football being not completely gash has somehow warranted a £7 million price tag and the title of "World Class" from his former chairman. I assume the same chairman refers to Messi as "Outer-Dimensional Class" and Shola Ameobi as "Continental Class". Their opponents on the opening day are non other than last season's champions, and EFCNIK's second team, Manchester United. On course for title numero veinte, they've been busy this summer, signing David De Gea, Phil Jones and Ashley Ultrasnide Young, all for large fees. I watched them in the community shield and Young, Rooney and Nani all played scintillating, sexually-stimulating, super football. They are surely the favourites for the title and I expect them to get off to a flying start. 1-3 to UTD.
Monday
Mercenary City vs Wales - City's main buys this summer have been Gael Clichy and Sergio Aguero -- both who I think are overrated, to be honest -- and it looks like the aforementioned shrew-face, Samir Nasri, is set to join their ranks. Woooo. Swansea meanwhile are the first Welsh team to play in the prem -- not the top flight, just the premiership, as Artetafan will be happy to remind you. I'm quite looking forward to their input this year. The novelty of a Welsh team should be a bit of fun, and they're a good side to boot. I think they'll give it a go but I suspect City's attacking ability and sheer number of options will win out. 1-3 to citteh.
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