Today's alternative transfer news is brought to you from a position of discomfort as I've banged on some weight lately and 2 buttons have flown off my work shirt today, so I'm having to wear a hoodie in this heat to disguise the fact my gut is hanging out.
So, here we go;
Police in Merseyside have confirmed that last week saw an unprecedented number of reports from young black men with dreadlocks claiming that they were being followed and photographed by gammon faced fellas desperate for Twitter fame. It's hoped that with the signing of Moise Kean now completed these reports should start to tail off, but men fitting this description have been advised to remain vigilant.
Friday evening saw the arrival of Jean-Philippe Gbamin, a player I know absolutely nothing about apart from nobody being quite sure how to pronounce his name. This has caused much amusement in the players dedicated thread and sales of the Bob Marley classic 'Jammin' have sky rocketed this week. A choir consisting of Evertonians have attempted to re-launch the song this week and we should see this drop into the charts at about number 87, closely followed by a song released by the same choir called 'We're not racist' in honour of Kean's arrival.
News of potential CB targets has started to gather pace and what a selection of targets we have been treated to. We have a trio of Englishmen potentially available to us, first we have the permanently constipated looking Gary Cahill available on a free, followed by Chris Smalling and his flexi-face friend Phil Jones. All would add experience to our defence, the experience being one in which we concede a record number of goals and drop out of the Premier League for the first time.
A more experienced forward to support Kean would be nice, as would a RB to add competition for Coleman. It appears Zaha could still be on and with Brands bargaining power and powers of persuasion we can expect to see Palace to run out next season with a front 2 of Niasse and Tosun, supported by a new midfield of Bolasie, Schneiderlin, Besic and McCarthy. We will also expect Palace to pay bonuses for each goal Zaha scores for us and a clause that insists that the 6 players we've given them are available for selection when we play them.
An exciting week awaits and more incomings I'm sure, the most exciting part of the week will undoubtedly be the end of these updates and hearing about more weight gain related clothing malfunctions. I appreciate the feedback, which during the course of this window have included 12 offers of intercourse, 72 crushing blows to my self esteem, 346 PM's to request that I stop the updates and 14 offers to meet for a scrap. The sex has been great, although I don't think the 14 that met for a scrap were fully expecting it.
Have a good week. Up The Ebepton.
