Poo Tickets

[neonleon]

Poo tickets, turd towels, fecal flannels, sh!twipe, arse napkins, log linen, crap cloth; whatever name you have for it, we all use it.

The million dollar question though...What do you wipe with?

I heard two old Jamaican dears discussing it in the aisle (not a euphemism) of my local Tescos recently.

"Get these."
"No me wan' two ply"

well it was funny in a jamaican accent.

Anway are you a british rail hard toilet paper man? A 12 rolls of no frills bargain basement, super value roll man?

or a luxury quilted, wipe my arse on silk type of bloke.

For my money I always go for the cheap stuff. I wipe my arse with it after all, who needs to be wiping with the approximation of a 12 tog duvet?

Still here's what Fransican Monk and Renaissance writer François Rabelais had to say about it;

"Afterwards I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a calf's skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an attorney's bag, with a montero, with a coif, with a falconer's lure. But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains."

So come on people, what do you wipe with? (bonus points for original name for toilet tissue)

 

[neonleon]

Also does anyone fancy bringing the word bum-gut back into common usage.

How did we let that gem fall out of use.

 

[BlueTak]

Poo Tickets is superb

 

[Muggins]

[Poor language removed] stub.

 

[Summerskin]

I have to use pretty decent quality stuff, If I dare venture to the toilet in work my arse is in for a hiding with their industrial strength [Poor language removed]!

 

[Muggins]

I have to use pretty decent quality stuff, If I dare venture to the toilet in work my arse is in for a hiding with their industrial strength [Poor language removed]!

They recycle it with glass.

 

[ricardobee]

bowel towel

 

[neonleon]

bowel towel

I figured you'd come up with one of the best ones.

*tips hat ricardobee's way.

 

[Jamo Martinez]

Remember the tracing paper in school. Felt like you'd been tampered with after using that.

One time there was no paper in the loo after the dirty deed. No-one in the house and I'm averse to the doing the penguin walk. The only thing I could find was a box of cotton buds. Jeez, like being gang raped by a circus troop of midgets

 

[neonleon]

Remember the tracing paper in school. Felt like you'd been tampered with after using that.

One time there was no paper in the loo after the dirty deed. No-one in the house and I'm averse to the doing the penguin walk. The only thing I could find was a box of cotton buds. Jeez, like being gang raped by a circus troop of midgets

I've used newspaper before now.

Which aint too nice, but at least you get to wipe your arse on an assortment of hated figures in the media.

Politicians if you read a broadsheet.

X-Factor, Reality Tv stars if you read a tabloid.

The Daily Mail is particularly absorbent and represents one of the few righteous uses of it. Don't pay for it though, just wipe "in-shop"

 

[Alio]

I've used newspaper before now.

Which aint too nice, but at least you get to wipe your arse on an assortment of hated figures in the media.

Politicians if you read a broadsheet.

X-Factor, Reality Tv stars if you read a tabloid.

The Daily Mail is particularly absorbent and represents one of the few righteous uses of it. Don't pay for it though, just wipe "in-shop"

So that's why the Daily Mail is full of sh*te........

 

[Stoic Ape]

at the risk of sounding like a tramp, i must admit i hate spending any of my hard earned cash on something im going to wipe my arse on. just pinch a few rolls from any pub/restaurant/friends house

 

[neonleon]

Rusty ring rag?

 

[heatmeiser]

It's known as Floralys in our house. For reasons seen below.

8178 rolls of LIDL's finest for bout £1.50.

Are you a Liddle or a Leeedull kind of person?

 

[neonleon]

It's known as Floralys in our house. For reasons seen below.

8178 rolls of LIDL's finest for bout £1.50.

Are you a Liddle or a Leeedull kind of person?

There's an optimistic name. Presumably pronounced floralis, as in flora, flowers.

Stinkbalm, pong paper, whiff wipes?