Midvale School for the Gifted

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chrissyjack said:
My niece , Kerrianne , has come out with some belters . Sometimes my sister even denies having given birth to her . A classic occurred when we were all having a pre-Xmas lunch at a pub . All scoffing away , happily , when “ What animal do we get turkey meat from ? “ :Blink:
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I worked with a history teacher from brum who believed cows hibernated, because you don't see them in fields in the winter.
 

Tramps_mate said:
I once wrote my own name on the envelope of the card Id just written for my mum for her birthday. The missus never lets me forget that one every time a write a card for someone now.. :blush:
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A long while back, before mobiles and when you could phone directory enquiries free, but just before the government allowed it to become a rip-off, I was in Wales camping with a mate. One day I figured I'd phone a friend who lived near by and meet up. I didn't have their number so in the call box I rang directory enquiries.

Name? - told them.
Address? - told them
The number is ......

Wait - thats my number - when are you going to ask me who I'm trying to phone?

My mate outside the box was in hysterics for the rest of the evening. :dodgy:
 
About 20 years ago I was sorting out my wedding with my now ex-wife. We went into Boots one day and I saw some disposable ‘single use’ cameras, and I said we should buy some to put on the tables for the guests to use during the evening reception. My fiancée said “what’s the point in buying a camera that only takes one photograph”.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, returning from the honeymoon in the Canary Islands, we were sat on the plane waiting to take off, it was really hot, and she asked me if I could open the window for some fresh air.

We were divorced within 18 months.
 

When I was working in a hotel, around 2008, the General Manager hired a trainee Supervisor. I'm not sure what went on in the interview, but 10 minutes spent with this girl was enough to tell you she wasn't Supervisor material.

Anyway, a couple days after she starts, he's got her shadowing him. At some point he needs to look at something, on some step ladders above a doorway. So he asks this girl to stand the other side of the door, to make sure no on comes through while he was on the step ladders.

She decides the best way to achieve this is to stand facing the door she was guarding, with her nose literally inches away from it. So much so, that she would of been unable to see anyone approaching the door behind her.

Word gets around, and soon enough we've all had a look at what she's doing. She's obviously oblivious to this because all she can see is the door. Once the General Manager gets wind, he decides to leave her there to see what she does. 30 minutes later he has to go and get her, because she hasn't moved from that spot in that entire time. Needless to say, she was gone a few days afterwards.

All these years later, I still can't work out how she reasoned that was the best way to guard the door.
 
Met a girl from Doncaster on holiday in Ibiza a long time ago. Came out of the club, walked down by the bay, trying to give a bit of sweet talk as you do, when she muttered the classic " Is that the same moon we have in England " !!!
 
An old girlfriend used to be the guide on a coach that took tourists along the north Wales coast from Liverpool to Holyhead for the ferry.
One time she was giving the tour guide chat as they passed Conwy castle and one of our dear American cousins asked if it was built so close to the railway to get the stone there easier...
 
Two arl Bristol fellas in a pub, one goes 'ere, Billy... that bus you get, what time does 'ee come then?'

'I dunno Al, but whenever I go to the stop, 'ee turns up'

Al, thinks for a minute, necks his cider and says, 'Well I best go now then' and gets off lol

@roydo
 

And I've posted this before but once more for posterity:

First off I need to put this in context. Mrs d' indica is a very smart woman. She is perceptive, articulate and witty, she's got a 2.1 and so many qualifications and certifications she struggles to get them onto a CV. She is a senior training manager for a global company. She's also a lifelong Charlton fan, was born 5 mins from the Valley, takes her old man to the game whenever she's back in London, she's got CAFC fans following her on Twitter for her smart comments and knowledge. She's always in the pub for the footy and has cut a few lads down to size. She can name pretty much any Everton starting 11, knows the England squad by position and club and is loving every game of the world cup. She's the one collecting the Paninis FFS. What I'm saying here lads is that Mrs d' indica is no donut and she knows her footy.... Nevertheless.....

Many years back now, Sunday morning I think, dozing with bit of a hangover, she wakes me in a panic...

"There's been an accident with your team.... its just been on the radio!!"

Everton would have been on their way to London to play West Ham,

Me - "Eh?"

She - "Its just been on the radio, on the travel an accident with your lorry!!"

Me - "Eh?"

She - "The Lorry, the Everton Lorry, there's been a crash!!"

She's insistent, I'm beginning to panic a bit now, this was when Moyes was turning the corner and we had Rooney and a decent squad starting to form, I can see the headlines - Best EFC team for years wiped out in M6 tragedy... BUT, I do spot a flaw in her argument...

Me - "A lorry?"

She - "YES, THE LORRY, its crashed!!"

Me - (still half asleep)- "But they wouldn't be in a lorry, they'd be on a coach"

She - (getting a bit testy now) - "IT'S JUST SAID ON THE RADIO, THE EVERTON LORRY, THE EVERTON LORRY!! ITS CRASHED ON THE MOTORWAY, ITS CAUSED A BIG PILE UP"

Me - (As the booze fog clears) - "Babe, that's an overturned lorry"

She - "Oh yeah.."

Me - "Cabbage"
 
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