Is it my self esteem?

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The Penalty Box Dancer said:
It's not very often I post here, right now I feel like speaking about my self esteem as I really have nobody else to talk about with it. I think its my self esteem that's the problem anyway, maybe you can help me decide.
I've been with my girlfriend for about 14 months and she is 12 years older than me with a young child. Before I got with her I was on my own for about two and a half years and during this time I used to question myself and whether I was good enough for someone. I am in my early thirties and when I was younger I had no problem with women, I could pick and choose who I wanted, these days its like a different kettle of fish, it seems harder and women always seem to play uninterested, welcome to modern day life. Now I am going to be brutally honest, I have a thing for older women, always have and to be going out with a woman over forty and having sex with this woman is fantastic, the older the better I say but we don't have much in common. We get on well and I have built a good relationship with her child, even though it annoys me that the child's Dad is still on the scene and her and him have to have contact with each other for their child, let's just say I have found it difficult and have wondered whether they will get back together again because they were once married and made a child together.

She has reassured me that won't happen and I need to let that thought go. Ok, I can deal with that, however I am often comparing myself to him and questioning whether I am better looking etc. But she says she loves me so I will take her word on that.

Right now, you are probably wondering what is the problem? Ok, I'll tell you, if the sex wasn't so good then I wouldn't be here in this situation that I often feel stressed out in. I sometimes have to deal with child tantrums and often ask myself what the hell am I doing? We have been together for over a year and I still haven't told my family about her. Why?

Preferably, I would want to be with someone who didn't have baggage and could give me more of their time but at the same time I feel like I have settled here and I tell my friends about her and how happy I am.

There's another thing that gets to me as well, she goes on holiday with her friends around June time each year and I don't have a problem with that, she goes away with me and her child on a family holiday but what my problem is, is I would rather her and me go on holiday together and develop as a couple rather than her going away with friends, we need to do more things as a couple but she says she likes going away with her friends. Am I wrong? Going away as a family is good but if she has the opportunity to have a holiday without her child then surely it should be with me?

I just feel like I am in a world of stress and life would probably so much easier if I was with someone more my age and who never had baggage, I just don't want to be on my own again for years and I do love the woman I am with even though I find it hard sometimes.
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Hi there,

For me it's all about tactics. Know your strengths and weaknesses, a bit like football.

Preliminary remark; for the love of god don't mix sex and relationships. It only has negative effects.

For starters you should try to pick a woman that suits you. I'm not the most confident guy. The solution: Do things that place you in direct contact with women in reasonably small groups. It helps if there's a gender imbalance. In college this is sort of easy because of the huge gender imbalance already, afterwards it becomes more challenging. For instance you could try inviting yourself on her girlie holiday, or smoking lessons at school bike sheds (bigger chance to find your corresponding age group).

The most important thing with relationships is how they make you feel. You should always remember this! You can use this to your advantage. In the beginning always she should leave you on a high, not bored or such or you will internalise this and think you're boring. It's a bit like horses. Ride when it's still fun, leave her if you're craving for more. Also I absolutely hate and despise every form of texting and calling. Tell her this beforehand. Even so (in the pre-relationship era) check her texts before she goes to bed. You want to be the last thing she thinks about before she goes to sleep, not her ex. It doesn't have to be long, just a quick glance to make sure his name isn't at the top of the list. It can also be a quick glance through his most recent txts, so you're not kept guessing. Go wild, but I recommend refraining from looking at his dickpics.

Next topic: how she represents herself. It goes without saying that her personal hygiene should be spot on. She should always wear well fitting clothes. Throw out all her clothes that are too big/small. When in doubt ask her children, I always do. If she doesn't have a clue what to wear buy a book that explains basic stuff like how to do the washing, essentials for getting smoke smells out of your wardrobe etc... . It sounds like a lot of work but it isn't; once she knows the classic essentials she can get by with washing once a year. Her clothes don't have to be expensive, only clean. If she wants to spend big, she can prioritize her shoes, so long as she uses charcoal inserts. Bear in mind that lots of women will dress you down, to protect their possession. A decent haircut, that matches your schlong, is also important. Ask your hairdresser about pubic topiary.

Speaking to women. This isn't difficult. Just reflect your personality. But please don't change your whole life-story after year 1, keep some air of mystery. After all, if she knows everything why would she want to shag you again? This also firm advice for later in the relationship, complete openness is idiotic.

I'm quiet, a good listener and the mysterious type (translation: I don't really like talking). So the few words I say have to be spot on. For me a good first year is one where I've done hardly any talking. You should keep her guessing. Plus women like it when people listen to them. You have to really listen to them though, but not in a friendzone kind of way - I trust you know the difference. Remember every detail, it will come in handy later on in the relationship. For instance: tomorrow you can ask how's her ex... to demonstrate you've listened to her and are comfortable that nothing is going on. Or that one time she told you about the fact she really liked a certain brand of e-cigarettes. Buy them for her next week, she will be ecstatic and thank you accordingly. It also makes your life easier during the relationship btw. Window-shopping; lot's of women will point to things they like. You can buy such things for their birthday, imaginary Hallmark day that you aren't allowed to forget, ...

Concerning gift giving. Potlach. You shoud probably go all out on this subject, during Christmas, her birthday ... most women are like cars. They are very giving, generous creatures but they have to be fueled up from time to time. Buying gifts is a way to do this. It doesn't have to be expensive just thoughtful. Sentimental stuff is appreciated, like scrapbooks containing all sorts of relics from year 1 of your relationship, cigarette butts, photos from the family holiday you, her and the child went on, that sort of thing.

It works very much in your favour, if you're able to make her laugh (and make her feel good). Don't overdo it. That will make you come off like a clown. Beware of self-deprecating humor, this can be fine and demonstrate your self-confidence but don't overdo it . Case in point: don't compare her ex and yours penis. Telling her that if he saw yours that he'd burst out laughing isn't good. Don't do that, she might laugh but she also won't be very interested. Things like this can be your ehm little secret.

We've already touched upon the subject of identifying the kind of woman that you want and deserve. For instance you like old but attractive women, without any kids or previous baggage from any of her prior decades, with the tits of a 20 year old, the suction power of dyson, a vagina like a pristine cave of wonders and a clean gob. So you fit in with her, you should look at growing a horn from the middle of your head and switching out your blood for rainbow colours... do something you feel reasonably comfortable with and that allows you to sort of shine in your own way.

Now, I'll assume you're not actually living with the woman that you're interested in. Have a long hard think to yourself to see if you can stand her.

What I'm going to say now, might seem unnecessary but I'm going to do it just in case. You've got to get accustomed to her breath. Of course you start of lightly, sleeping facing away from her, sitting next to her ... When your gag reflex starts to respond well to this, you can start doing things like facing her at arms length, not looking away when she laughs ... And so on. So in the beginning your exposure to her noxious gases are indirect and later on you can escalate to the good stuff like having your faces in the same vicinity.

How to make sure you don't get caught in an abusive relationship. Simple. A relationship should be a construction that makes both of you better. Abide by this rule. If it doesn't add up; end the relationship. In my experience a relationship is de facto finished when one party doesn't believe that the other party has the best interests of the other party at heart. Also be careful not to lose your own identity in the relationship; I see that happen a lot with grannygrabbers. When the whole thing comes crashing down; they feel extra down because they start facing existential questions. Don't be needy, needy partners are annoying.

I wish I could give you some more ideas with this woman, but I don't know a lot about Cougars. Except that they're always being slotted by their exes.

Catharsis. Women like catharsis. Don't always behave exemplary. Sometimes be a bit of a jerk; don't answer her phone calls or such. Don't go overboard like sleeping with her daughter. I'm talking about small annoyances.

This felt extremely uncomfortable to write, but I felt a bit sorry for you. I think if you sort of follow the things I've written you'll have a relationship in no time. Also keep in mind she's only 12 years older than you, you've still got loads of older cougars waiting for serious relationships. Have fun!
 

The Penalty Box Dancer said:
There's another thing that gets to me as well, she goes on holiday with her friends around June time each year and I don't have a problem with that, she goes away with me and her child on a family holiday but what my problem is, is I would rather her and me go on holiday together and develop as a couple rather than her going away with friends, we need to do more things as a couple but she says she likes going away with her friends. Am I wrong? Going away as a family is good but if she has the opportunity to have a holiday without her child then surely it should be with me?
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Sorry to break it to you mate, but when she's away with her mates she is loving big, hard sausage. Sorry.
 
I've done a lot of research online into relationships with another mens kids and they often don't end well. Think its statistically over 60%.

It's a hard relationship to be in but the last thing I want is her to meet someone else who is better than me.
 

The Penalty Box Dancer said:
I've done a lot of research online into relationships with another mens kids and they often don't end well. Think its statistically over 60%.

It's a hard relationship to be in but the last thing I want is her to meet someone else who is better than me.
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THEN DON'T BE IN THE RELATIONSHIP FFS

No offense but you spend all your time describing what is so wrong yet won't concede that you should walk away. You mentioned she does your laundry as the only thing she does for you? Your mum does your laundry mate, walk away and stop dwelling on how miserable you are in the relationship
 

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