Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[Rita_Poon]

Another incident with my friend at work, and I'm nearly at a loss of what to do now.

I was in the office with her, I went on lunch, came back to a group chat I have with her and the higher up manager. And she had written so much nonsensical stuff, and called my manager and spoke to him. My manager asked to check if she was ok, as he was worried about her (although it sounds like he knew she was drinking) then he spoke to HR to see if they could do a welfare check on her, they were in there for an hour. Then HR left for 20 mins for some reason

During that 20 minutes, she rang me on WhatsApp. Now I had absolutely no clue what was coming, so I stupidly answered at my desk. She then told me that she has been domestically abused for a year, and death threats made again , then I sort of legged it out the office cos I obviously didn't want anyone to hear anything I said back. She said HR noticed marks on her arms etc, she said no one knew about from me, I mentioned charities can help and that she needs to move back home .

She hung up when HR came back and obviously I was very shaken but assumed there is safeguarding for this, to an extent, and HR will help. The meeting ended, she might have still need a bit drunk as she text me and never really answered what I asked. Saying HR aren't helping etc, which I thought was really bad, obviously.

But the more I have been thinking about it, which is a fair bit. I've started to wonder if she didn't tell HR and she rang me in a panic to tell me, she had a long sleeve top on today so I don't think they may have noticed. She might know she may lose her job here and just wanted to tell me the reason

These are a few issues I have here:

1. I need to know if HR know, but how can I find that out without asking? I did kind of ask my friend it didn't make too much sense and it's just difficult

2. If they do know, are they meant to offer some kind of safeguarding.

3, which is the one I am most concerned about. What am I meant to do, if I am the only person that knows? Would it be wise to just tell work?

She's been boozing enough to be bad in work and it's been going on for over a year, in fact it's been longer hasn't it?

This situation isn't fair on you, it's affecting your work and personal life, I believe you have enough on your hands with your immediate family decisions and chores to handle.

HR may have noticed marks on her arms, (is there not a confidential means of addressing this) she and they haven't confirmed this. She's saying HR aren't helping, they may be hamstrung with what they can and are required legally to do, she might not like it, but they are governed immediately by law, that doesn't mean they aren't helping, she may just not like the sound of what that help is. And unfortunately, she has made being a professional drunk her lifestyle choice, and they don't much like the sound of anything, especially if it means engaging with and treating the underlying issue/s that are being managed* via booze.

Rereading this. She isn't in the office is she, but you are? She's working from home? Hence sending HR for a welfare check? If she's hammered, how's she making it into whichever part of the building she works? After the last episode, did she tidy up her act for a bit but has now relapsed?

Do you have a manager you trust? Is there one of the higher ups that won't shank you if you cough up? You could do it coy...

"I have a theoretical set of events to talk about, there's a chap that is having domestic issues at home and is coping by not coping and losing himself in alcohol. It is making his home life worse and has seriously spilled into his work life. Some of these behaviours have been noted by colleagues and possibly management. This descent in standards is seriously affecting the work environment, and there is the personal concern because I like this friend and care for their well being. Is there a way to balance the professional and personal and help this chap without any negative effects to his continued employment? ... obviously any answer is purely for theoreticals sake..."

People that are sick through substance abuse have to want to get better, you can't give up the booze for her. If it is the cause or the aftermath of her problems is irrelevant, you mentioned she needs to go 'back home', has she been down this road before?

Walking on egg shells protecting this lady isn't doing you any good. Especially as she seems completely oblivious to the human cost of her continued poor behaviour. Drinkers have to want to stop.

 

[coollino]

She's been boozing enough to be bad in work and it's been going on for over a year, in fact it's been longer hasn't it?

This situation isn't fair on you, it's affecting your work and personal life, I believe you have enough on your hands with your immediate family decisions and chores to handle.

HR may have noticed marks on her arms, (is there not a confidential means of addressing this) she and they haven't confirmed this. She's saying HR aren't helping, they may be hamstrung with what they can and are required legally to do, she might not like it, but they are governed immediately by law, that doesn't mean they aren't helping, she may just not like the sound of what that help is. And unfortunately, she has made being a professional drunk her lifestyle choice, and they don't much like the sound of anything, especially if it means engaging with and treating the underlying issue/s that are being managed* via booze.

Rereading this. She isn't in the office is she, but you are? She's working from home? Hence sending HR for a welfare check? If she's hammered, how's she making it into whichever part of the building she works? After the last episode, did she tidy up her act for a bit but has now relapsed?

Do you have a manager you trust? Is there one of the higher ups that won't shank you if you cough up? You could do it coy...

"I have a theoretical set of events to talk about, there's a chap that is having domestic issues at home and is coping by not coping and losing himself in alcohol. It is making his home life worse and has seriously spilled into his work life. Some of these behaviours have been noted by colleagues and possibly management. This descent in standards is seriously affecting the work environment, and there is the personal concern because I like this friend and care for their well being. Is there a way to balance the professional and personal and help this chap without any negative effects to his continued employment? ... obviously any answer is purely for theoreticals sake..."

People that are sick through substance abuse have to want to get better, you can't give up the booze for her. If it is the cause or the aftermath of her problems is irrelevant, you mentioned she needs to go 'back home', has she been down this road before?

Walking on egg shells protecting this lady isn't doing you any good. Especially as she seems completely oblivious to the human cost of her continued poor behaviour. Drinkers have to want to stop.

cheers

my manager called me this morning, and they know everything and said it sounds 'horrendous'. i got a 10 min call from her as opposed to a 2 hour meeting so i can't even begin to imagine what they may have heard. drinking wasn't brought up but I guess her staying alive and safe is more important now. Only me, my manager and HR know and it needs to stay like this for legal reason.

Work are getting legal advice and speaking to charities today, and they are meeting with her tomorrow to see whats best. I think they are really struggling to work that one out as 'have some time off at home' is not far off the worst option, but hopefully they will get some advice today, They are obviously thinking of the business side too, and she couldn't even read a paragraph of something yesterday. The booze could clearly be because of this, she has been bad for around a year and this has been going on for that time

 

[coollino]

She left him and made it back to her mum's tonight, obviously not about me, but god I'm a lot less stressed now. To say no one knew about this until yesterday afternoon blows my mind

 

[SJB]

She left him and made it back to her mum's tonight, obviously not about me, but god I'm a lot less stressed now. To say no one knew about this until yesterday afternoon blows my mind

Good news. HR will signpost her to anyone who can help and support her and she's back with her Mum so hopefully she tells her everything that's gone on and gets the family support she'll need too. Good on you for looking out for her.

 

[coollino]

Good news. HR will signpost her to anyone who can help and support her and she's back with her Mum so hopefully she tells her everything that's gone on and gets the family support she'll need too. Good on you for looking out for her.

Keep thinking how often she didn't put her camera on for calls, and one week she didn't come into the office as she 'fell down the stairs'. He has been to our old flat for dinner, we used to go out. Feel sick it didn't cross my mind

 

[Rita_Poon]

Keep thinking how often she didn't put her camera on for calls, and one week she didn't come into the office as she 'fell down the stairs'. He has been to our old flat for dinner, we used to go out. Feel sick it didn't cross my mind

What was the bosses (not the work one) radar like? Remember, so far you've only had one side.

 

[SJB]

Keep thinking how often she didn't put her camera on for calls, and one week she didn't come into the office as she 'fell down the stairs'. He has been to our old flat for dinner, we used to go out. Feel sick it didn't cross my mind

Tbf you never know what goes on behind closed doors and there's a lot of people out there hiding things from friends and family.

 

[coollino]

What was the bosses (not the work one) radar like? Remember, so far you've only had one side.

my gf is in Portugal at the moment so only spoken in text but she wasn't thaaaat shocked when she heard. When I found out I was shocked that it had happened, but not shocked it was him of that makes sense

 

[Rita_Poon]

Keep thinking how often she didn't put her camera on for calls, and one week she didn't come into the office as she 'fell down the stairs'. He has been to our old flat for dinner, we used to go out. Feel sick it didn't cross my mind

The boss must've met them both previous? The sisterhood is an amazing network. If she's a big drinker, enough to not be able to read, or to chat crud in a meeting, could she slip and fall? could she be the kind to flip and turn nasty? Some of the worst tempers I've ever seen in full flight have been those of the alleged fairer sex. I get the damsel in distress angle, but why is this so personal to you?

 

[coollino]

The boss must've met them both previous? The sisterhood is an amazing network. If she's a big drinker, enough to not be able to read, or to chat crud in a meeting, could she slip and fall? could she be the kind to flip and turn nasty? Some of the worst tempers I've ever seen in full flight have been those of the alleged fairer sex. I get the damsel in distress angle, but why is this so personal to you?

Because I've known her for around 15 years at least, socially as well, and I don't like the thought of a person I know pretty well get beaten up by a guy who is well over 6ft?

With all due respect for this thread, I don't agree with you take here

 

[Rita_Poon]

Because I've known her for around 15 years at least, socially as well, and I don't like the thought of a person I know pretty well get beaten up by a guy who is well over 6ft?

With all due respect for this thread, I don't agree with you take here

I have no take, besides keeping my mind open as to what I'll never be sure has or hasn't happened. How long have you known him? Was it exclusively through her? You've worked together for 15 years?

 

[Syrup]

I found out this morning I missed my A level grades I need for my firm university choice by a couple of marks so I am a little bit on the upset and stressed side (one more Beto 0.99XG miss or Jack Harrison transfer link would send me over the edge). I am in the process of calling my school and Universities for help and to bargain and I must say the system is broken (although I wouldn’t be saying that if I got my grades). I feel there’s something cruel in making teenagers stressed out to the max ring up a university and bargain for their future.

I’m trying to get remarks but I still fear it won’t be enough.

I’m disappointed in myself because I tried my absolute hardest and still pulled up short. I feel like I’ve let my parents down and those who care for me. However, at the same time I keep telling myself I should still be proud of myself for trying my hardest but I still just can’t really process that.

Sorry if this isn’t the most well constructed piece of writing you’ve seen but I just wanted a place to come and dump everything off my shoulders.

Best wishes guys

 

[Nymzee]

I found out this morning I missed my A level grades I need for my firm university choice by a couple of marks so I am a little bit on the upset and stressed side (one more Beto 0.99XG miss or Jack Harrison transfer link would send me over the edge). I am in the process of calling my school and Universities for help and to bargain and I must say the system is broken (although I wouldn’t be saying that if I got my grades). I feel there’s something cruel in making teenagers stressed out to the max ring up a university and bargain for their future.

I’m trying to get remarks but I still fear it won’t be enough.

I’m disappointed in myself because I tried my absolute hardest and still pulled up short. I feel like I’ve let my parents down and those who care for me. However, at the same time I keep telling myself I should still be proud of myself for trying my hardest but I still just can’t really process that.

Sorry if this isn’t the most well constructed piece of writing you’ve seen but I just wanted a place to come and dump everything off my shoulders.

Best wishes guys

Sorry to hear that mate, it’s a rough time for any 18-year old, lots of pressure on your future.

All I’ll add to this is if you’ve only just found out this morning, give yourself a little bit of time to level out before you chase up the uni or your school etc. just to make sure your argument is as composed as possible. If you react too quickly your emotions might get the better of you.

Best of luck though that they’ll still offer you a place.

 

[mccole]

I found out this morning I missed my A level grades I need for my firm university choice by a couple of marks so I am a little bit on the upset and stressed side (one more Beto 0.99XG miss or Jack Harrison transfer link would send me over the edge). I am in the process of calling my school and Universities for help and to bargain and I must say the system is broken (although I wouldn’t be saying that if I got my grades). I feel there’s something cruel in making teenagers stressed out to the max ring up a university and bargain for their future.

I’m trying to get remarks but I still fear it won’t be enough.

I’m disappointed in myself because I tried my absolute hardest and still pulled up short. I feel like I’ve let my parents down and those who care for me. However, at the same time I keep telling myself I should still be proud of myself for trying my hardest but I still just can’t really process that.

Sorry if this isn’t the most well constructed piece of writing you’ve seen but I just wanted a place to come and dump everything off my shoulders.

Best wishes guys

Don't be so hard on yourself you have done excellent. Also as one door closes, another one opens.

Remember life is a long stretch don't let the early hurdles wipe you out.

 

[summerisle]

I found out this morning I missed my A level grades I need for my firm university choice by a couple of marks so I am a little bit on the upset and stressed side (one more Beto 0.99XG miss or Jack Harrison transfer link would send me over the edge). I am in the process of calling my school and Universities for help and to bargain and I must say the system is broken (although I wouldn’t be saying that if I got my grades). I feel there’s something cruel in making teenagers stressed out to the max ring up a university and bargain for their future.

I’m trying to get remarks but I still fear it won’t be enough.

I’m disappointed in myself because I tried my absolute hardest and still pulled up short. I feel like I’ve let my parents down and those who care for me. However, at the same time I keep telling myself I should still be proud of myself for trying my hardest but I still just can’t really process that.

Sorry if this isn’t the most well constructed piece of writing you’ve seen but I just wanted a place to come and dump everything off my shoulders.

Best wishes guys

If you tried you're hardest, then don't beat yourself up too much mate. It's such an arbitrary system : what you felt like on the day ; the type of questions that were given ; the pressure of not letting anyone down etc.

Although you obviously won't feel like this at the moment, but if push comes to shove, and you have to retake them again, you'll know what to expect, and sail through them - that was my experience at least. And it's only a postponement of a year, which in the big scheme of things is not a lot.

So, to cheer you up, ignore Homer !