Having tried to halt the spread of middle age today with ever tighter and cunningly hidden layers of Lycra that are supposed to "contour" but instead cut off the blood supply to the extremities I came up with this. You all seem a bit sad not to have a travel guide to Burnley with a bit of footie thrown in. I can't do pictures so it's all words. Obviously I can't compete with the maestro but it might fill a gap - like a 4pm Pot Noodle before your tea.
Everton travel to Burnley on Saturday in search of three points. Three points that have not come our way too often just recently. But I’m confident, it’s a blip that will be put right this weekend. So Burnley? Or, as we prefer to call it, Wool Central. Dress code: three star jumper, free admission if accompanied by pet sheep. What’s the definition of a Burnley kebab? Five black puddings on a poker. A man from Burnley took his cat to the vet, the vet asked “is it a tom?” He replies “No I brought it with me.” I will also never forget my one and only visit to Burnley when my pub lunch of lasagne was serve with mushy peas on top. OK that’s enough, let’s not be too harsh on Burnley because Burnley is where Everton got one of the finest players I have had the pleasure to watch in a royal blue shirt. Martin Dobson. Sublime, awesome and he was the first player to be transferred for £300,000 when Everton bought him from Burnley in August 1974. Those were the days – we really did have money then.
Who are the key players Burnley will be relying on this weekend? I’ve no idea and to be absolutely honest, I don’t care. But in the interests of even handedness I researched a few.
Tom Heaton – goalkeeper, captain, local boy. Became the first Burnley player since the afore-mentioned Martin Dobson to win an England cap
Jon Flanagan- defender, on a season long loan from them across the park.
George Boyd, midfielder and possibly their best player, whose long flowing and well cared for locks if he make him look as if he should be clad in Spandex and performing in Whitesnake.
Sam Vokes- striker and another candidate for their best player tag. Did well at The Euros with Wales. And then there were some nice pictures of kittens on the internet so that was the end of the Burnley research.
However you cannot mention Burnley and not discuss Sean Dyche, their gravel voiced, ginger manager who could be the long lost love child of Ray Winstone and Stone Cold Steve Austin. A straight talking, blunt, does what it says on the tin kind of guy who is desperate to keep Burnley in the Premier League. I like him.
What about Everton? Coming into this game off the back of a hard won point at City. Yes it was a hard won point. Don’t argue. There will be many teams who go to City and leave with nothing. I know Barcelona made them look stupid mid-week but consider it this way. If City are the primary school playground bullies then Barcelona is the rock hard kid at the comp who you never make eye contact with because he’ll break your legs just for looking. I’m guessing Koeman will stick with what is becoming his tried and trusted first team. Lukaku up front, Stek in goal, some others in between (I still think he's working out who he wants and where he wants them.) Which brings me to the enigma that is Ross Barkley. I so want this young man to do well and have a totally boss, mind-blowing performance. Unfortunately I’m beginning to think it will never happen. His confidence is shot and the undoubted talent does not seem to be matched with a footballing brain. Please let me be wrong. Come on Ross, you know you can do it! Just for the record I have no issues with the size and/or shape of Ronald Koeman’s head but whenever I see him Kryten from Red Dwarf pops into my mind. Can’t think why.
Burnley will be fighting off relegation for most of the season, they will struggle but can be tough to beat at Turf Moor. We should eat them for breakfast which probably means we will play them off the park, their goalkeeper will have the game of his life and we lose to a flukey/world-class/clearly offside (choose whatever suits your mood) goal. Not really, that was so last season. The defence are playing better, we have more resolve, the new signings have made a difference and Lukaku seems happy. An Everton win it is. 3-0 Lukaku, Mirallas and Gueye.
Everton travel to Burnley on Saturday in search of three points. Three points that have not come our way too often just recently. But I’m confident, it’s a blip that will be put right this weekend. So Burnley? Or, as we prefer to call it, Wool Central. Dress code: three star jumper, free admission if accompanied by pet sheep. What’s the definition of a Burnley kebab? Five black puddings on a poker. A man from Burnley took his cat to the vet, the vet asked “is it a tom?” He replies “No I brought it with me.” I will also never forget my one and only visit to Burnley when my pub lunch of lasagne was serve with mushy peas on top. OK that’s enough, let’s not be too harsh on Burnley because Burnley is where Everton got one of the finest players I have had the pleasure to watch in a royal blue shirt. Martin Dobson. Sublime, awesome and he was the first player to be transferred for £300,000 when Everton bought him from Burnley in August 1974. Those were the days – we really did have money then.
Who are the key players Burnley will be relying on this weekend? I’ve no idea and to be absolutely honest, I don’t care. But in the interests of even handedness I researched a few.
Tom Heaton – goalkeeper, captain, local boy. Became the first Burnley player since the afore-mentioned Martin Dobson to win an England cap
Jon Flanagan- defender, on a season long loan from them across the park.
George Boyd, midfielder and possibly their best player, whose long flowing and well cared for locks if he make him look as if he should be clad in Spandex and performing in Whitesnake.
Sam Vokes- striker and another candidate for their best player tag. Did well at The Euros with Wales. And then there were some nice pictures of kittens on the internet so that was the end of the Burnley research.
However you cannot mention Burnley and not discuss Sean Dyche, their gravel voiced, ginger manager who could be the long lost love child of Ray Winstone and Stone Cold Steve Austin. A straight talking, blunt, does what it says on the tin kind of guy who is desperate to keep Burnley in the Premier League. I like him.
What about Everton? Coming into this game off the back of a hard won point at City. Yes it was a hard won point. Don’t argue. There will be many teams who go to City and leave with nothing. I know Barcelona made them look stupid mid-week but consider it this way. If City are the primary school playground bullies then Barcelona is the rock hard kid at the comp who you never make eye contact with because he’ll break your legs just for looking. I’m guessing Koeman will stick with what is becoming his tried and trusted first team. Lukaku up front, Stek in goal, some others in between (I still think he's working out who he wants and where he wants them.) Which brings me to the enigma that is Ross Barkley. I so want this young man to do well and have a totally boss, mind-blowing performance. Unfortunately I’m beginning to think it will never happen. His confidence is shot and the undoubted talent does not seem to be matched with a footballing brain. Please let me be wrong. Come on Ross, you know you can do it! Just for the record I have no issues with the size and/or shape of Ronald Koeman’s head but whenever I see him Kryten from Red Dwarf pops into my mind. Can’t think why.
Burnley will be fighting off relegation for most of the season, they will struggle but can be tough to beat at Turf Moor. We should eat them for breakfast which probably means we will play them off the park, their goalkeeper will have the game of his life and we lose to a flukey/world-class/clearly offside (choose whatever suits your mood) goal. Not really, that was so last season. The defence are playing better, we have more resolve, the new signings have made a difference and Lukaku seems happy. An Everton win it is. 3-0 Lukaku, Mirallas and Gueye.
