This is what's going to happen, mark my words.
1, Everton - In a remarkable end to the transfer window, Moyes manages to persuade Dickov to sign from Leicester on a lucrative 1 year contract rumoured to be worth £18m (ironically the amount he'd intended to spunk on Moutinho before he joined Lincoln City on loan). Dickov finishes the season with 38 goals in all competitions, just edging out Jose Baxter to finish as top scorer. A new 80,000 seater stadium is proposed to be built in Welton (codename Destination Rodders), before opposition group 'This Welton ain't the [Poor language removed]' ([Poor language removed]) riot on the streets of Kirkby until new Prime Minister Borris Johnson steps in and the plans are scrapped.
2, Hull City - Deans Windass inspires an incredible season. Phil Brown and his team celebrate by swimming across the Humber to Grimsby for some fish and chips.
3, Man City - Mark Hughes is sacked after just one game by Thaksin who brings in Shaun Goater as his replacement. Goater comes out of retirement to lead the strike force alongside Benjani and scores a hattrick in the Manchester derby, much to 'neville's annoyance, who storms the pitch and throws his season ticket at Rooney. Who proceeds to eat it.
4, Portsmouth - 'Arry is indeed 'Appy. As Crouch and Defoe fire them into the Champions League.
5, Arsenal - Wenger resigns after Bendtner and Adebayor's punch up over who gets to take kick off forces referee Mark Clattenburg to award their final game to their opponents, meaning they miss out on 4th spot.
6, Spurs - Juande Ramos buys the whole Spanish Euro 2008 winning team as they have a solid season.
7, Chelsea - After missing out on Europe, Roman Ambramovich sacks Scolari and indeed all of the players before selling the club to a Del Boy-esque market seller for £2 and a bag of pork scratchings.
8, Middlesbrough - Remarkably, they actually have an interesting season for once and the Riverside almost sells out, well, for one game anyway.
9, Fulham - Andy Johnson top scores with 20 goals including a hattrick against Everton. Moyes is not happy.
10, Sunderland - Solid season for Roy Keane.
11, Manchester United - In an astonishing fall from grace, Ferguson's men struggle all season after Ronaldo refuses to play until £100m is paid into his Swiss banck account. SAF tries a number of techniques to win him over (flying boots were involved), but to no avail.
12, West Ham - Dull.
13, Aston Villa - A lengthy European campaign takes its toll as Villa struggle.
14, Bolton - After Megson is sacked the super Sams (Allardyce and Lee) are re-hired to guide them to safety.
15, Wigan - Rodders gets bored of writing predictions.
16, West Brom - They survive on the last day of the season again in a fantastic final day. Despite their heroics Sky instead decide to show a meangless game between Chelsea and Man U. Adrian Chiles and Frank Skinner lead the celebrations at the Hawthornes.
17, Stoke - A draw on the final day keeps them up with West Brom
18, Blackburn - it turns out Paul Ince is a [Poor language removed] manager. Who'd have thought it?
19, Newcastle - Jesus wept.
20, Liverpool -60 points behind Everton going into the final 5 games, Beinitez insists his side can still win the title, a view shared by Carragher who states "We're still boss la". They go down sparking a massive protest from fans calling for the owners to sell the club. They do however refuse to blame Benitez who signs a new 46 year contract with the club.
There, that killed half an hour or so
